The Amazing Frollo's Top 5 Sidney Lumet Movies

The Amazing Frollo is seen above in his homage to

Sidney Lumet's MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS.

He is green screened in his version of

DEATH ON THE NILE by Agatha Christie.

He never finished the movie.

He got hungry and did not return to the set.

________________________________________________

When THE FUTURIST! heard of the death of film director Sidney Lumet, his first thought was of his friend The Amazing Frollo. Earlier posts have recounted The Amazing Frollo's stature as a magician ... he stinks. (CLICK HERE!) and (CLICK HERE, TOO!) Never has any of his stage acts as a prestidigitator been successful. Audiences have queued up just to see how far he can humiliate himself. AS far as THE FUTURIST! understands, The Amazing Frollo has given up his magic act and been in some sort of sad slump. Rumors have percolated about him having no money and becoming a recluse reading his hundreds of yellowed used paperbacks of movie novelizations, trying to file his VHS collection and eating bacon.

THE FUTURIST! has gotten far afield from his subject regarding why he thought of The Amazing Frollo after hearing of the death of Lumet. The Amazing Frollo is a great film buff and always would talk about Lumet to THE FUTURIST! He even had mini-film festivals of Lumet works that he enjoyed in his own cluttered bedroom watching on his computer screen. THE FUTURIST! asked The Amazing Frollo to compile a list of his favorite Lumet films for this blog. He consented and submitted this:

THE AMAZING FROLLO'S TOP 5 SIDNEY LUMET MOVIES:

Sidney Lumet truly is one of my favorite directors. They way he was able to make so many different kinds of films so well is a real inspiration to me. So naturally this list was pretty hard; I almost cheated and chose six, but rules are rules.

1. 12 Angry Men

2. Murder on the Orient Express

3. Network

4. The Verdict

5. Fail-Safe

I was gonna expand on these choices, but I kinda ran out of steam after 12 Angry Men. Writing about movies is hard. I hope I won’t have to do too much of that in film school.
___________________________________________________

This is the shortest least explained of ANY Top 5 List in THE FUTURIST!'s series. Somehow, though, this warms THE FUTURIST!'s heart; it is true reflection of the sloth-like expectations of THE AMAZING FROLLO. He is never a phony.

Oh, and The Amazing Frollo? You WILL have to write in Film School. THE FUTURIST! predicts that you will perform your finest magic act at Film School. You will finally successfully disappear. And you won't need a steamer trunk or the assistance of a showgirl.

Jack De'Ath's Top 5 Vulgar Insults

The innocent appearing & charming Jack De'Ath.

He is seen here at his pub with a slight Artful Dodger-like

air about him and, in THE FUTURIST!'s opinion,

bears a resemblance to a very young Peter Cook.

He has just called the bartender Queen Dick-toria.

_____________________________________

THE FUTURIST! considers himself a very proper gentleman. He rarely uses obscenities of any sort while conversing with his erudite friends. Oh, you may hear him exclaim, "Good Pagan Gods!" if he is exasperated or irritated by someone or something, but this is a mere blaspheme to many ... in fact, many don't realize what he is referring to because most believe in their own exclusive white robed bearded deity. Of course, the mention of a belief in many Gods of a paganistic nature will be offensive to some ... if so, they can all burn to Hell in a giant man-made constructed Wicker Man idol while screaming out to their own personal selfish God. To be perfectly honest, THE FUTURIST! doesn't even believe in Pagan Gods. He just says that to rile other individuals.

Enough rambling. This post is dedicated to Jack De'Ath. Jack is a denizen of London, England, but originally from Suffolk, England. He has the most wonderful and coolest last name that THE FUTURIST! has ever encountered in another individual. Can you imagine having the last name DE'ATH? Wow. And it is not made up ... it is real. THE FUTURIST! is not sure, but he wants to imagine that Jack is from some medieval ancestry of English/French origin that was feared by the peasants. HE wants to believe that the De'Ath family tortured their enemies on the rack, stabbed threats to their power interests with ruby studded daggers and used those trick rings with movable tops that secreted poisonous powders which were poured into goblets of wine. Obviously, if this was so, it would seem they lost their plans for evil conquest ... their descendant, Jack De'Ath, is now a pun babbling pub denizen that gets drunk on beer and rides the tube with his friend Thomas Meek and hosts a podcast called LAUGH OUT LOUD LONDON (LOL) which covers the London Comedy scene. His only threatening weapon is his dexterity in verbally hurling a penis insult.

THE FUTURIST! finds Jack De'Ath very entertaining and asked him to compile a Top 5 List of his favorite Vulgar Insults. He asked because Jack loves to hurl these very epithets at everyone including his friends. In actuality, you could really call them terms of insulting endearment. You shall read them below without the usual Top 5 List intro by the guest star. When asked to do so, Jack told THE FUTURIST!: "I'm not doing it, Cock Jockey."

JACK DE'ATH'S TOP 5 VULGAR INSULTS

1. DICKTITS

2. CRAB FEATURES

3. FUCKWIT

4. DOUCHE

5. PLEB

THE FUTURIST! used the URBAN DICTIONARY in order to decipher these insults. You can click on them all (except CRAB FEATURES) for further elucidation. THE FUTURIST! would like to add two other insults that Jack has used that he found alarmingly comic:

Extra Supplemental Vulgar Insults:

TWAT BAG

and

COCKTAIL SAUSAGE (referring to his friend's male member)

Thank you, Jack, for your compilation.

Matthew Henderson's Top 5 Sunday Morning Movies

Besides loving his ritual of the Sunday Morning Movie,

Matthew Henderson loves the occasional ritual

of something he calls The Burger Club.

This involves him eating hamburgers.

Security cameras picked up evidence

of him awaiting a burger which contained

grilled onions, jalapenos, BBQ sauce and lettuce.

(THE FUTURIST!'s stomach would find those club dues rather taxing)

__________________________________________

Mr. Matthew Henderson, THE FUTURIST!'s domestic correspondent in the Washington, D.C. area, is the current guest star of the semi-occurring Top 5 List feature. Referring to Matthew as a domestic correspondent does not mean that he does housework for a Rent-a-Maid service ... no ... it refers to his being situated here in America ... though, he has spent a lot of time in Scotland, apparently, and seems to have left his sad heart there much like Tony Bennett's beating organ is in San Francisco. THE FUTURIST! "knows" Matthew in a distant sense, but feels quite an affinity for him in regard to his movie interests, his taste in finely written television programs, his sense of humor and his sad heart. Matthew has told THE FUTURIST! of an interesting ritual he has performed for years on end involving film. THE FUTURIST! loves rituals. He feels they keep us sane. He does not mean counting to 20 after locking your front door or always needing to put your right sock on before your left ... though that may keep some poor souls sane. THE FUTURIST! means the kind of rituals that don't involve possible psychiatric treatment. For instance, weekly dinner with a loved one, meeting a friend on Tuesday afternoons for a drink or something like THE FUTURIST!'s weekly ritual of a short, cartoon, movie serial chapter and a main feature in his Thimble Theater. Matthew does something similar ... THE FUTURIST! will let him explain in his OWN words in his introduction:

MATTHEW HENDERSON'S
TOP 5 FAVORITE SUNDAY MORNING MOVIES

The Sunday Morning Movie started in 2001, with the general idea being to roll out of bed, hop in the car, put on The Velvet Underground's "Sunday Morning" and drive to the video store to rent the biggest release of the week that I had absolutely no interest in seeing. This served three purposes, the first of which was to catch up on the cultural touchstones or at least what Hollywood wanted to be the cultural touchstones. The second was to ensure that I never became too stuck into arthouse, high-minded, or critically lauded films. Thirdly, it allowed me to justify to myself and my friends watching the mediocre rom-coms I loved (and love) so much. Most of the films I've watched are pretty bad, though some less-so and occasionally they venture into "decent" territory, so proper stand-out gems are hard to consider. Instead of that, here are five notable Sunday Morning Movies.

1.) Zoolander (2001)

This was screened within a month or two of starting the practice. It had flopped at the box office and seemed as though it would be relegated to a footnote in the history of bad Hollywood comedies, but lo and behold, it was not only amusing, it was actually funny. It's surrealist, off-the-wall humour would become more widespread in the coming decade, but it was a genuine surprise at the time. It gave a misplaced sense of justification for the Sunday Morning Movie for a long while.


2.) The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

I am not one to rush out to the theatre to see a horror film generally, and certainly wasn't interested at all in The Great Remake Run of the 00s. That said, one of the most pleasant surprises of the Sunday Morning Movie was to discover how generally watchable these bog-standard horror films are. My heart might sink when I put in the Lizzie McGuire Movie or A Man Apart, but I soon realised that I was actually looking forward to the horror entries. They rarely outstayed their welcome, they were usually self-aware to some degree, and they often included little moments of genuine cleverness or good filmmaking here and there. I chose this one to represent the whole because what really should have been one of the worst (they were really scraping the barrel for things to remake by this point) turned out to be pretty enjoyable. About two-thirds of the way through the horror genre is all but abandoned in favour of a remake of Straw Dogs, cracked glasses and all. The sequel should be avoided though.

3.) Gigli (2003)

Most of the bad movies were just uninspired and dreadfully dull genre retreads, but Gigli was something special. Virtually everything in this film is not only bad, but actively so. So many decisions were so wrong-headed it still boggles my mind to this day that nobody anywhere near this production thought to step in to say, "you know, there doesn't seem to be any good reason for Jennifer Lopez to be a lesbian", or "that bull speech really doesn't make any sense at all." Just when you can't imagine it could possibly get any worse, that ending comes along with the mentally challenged boy and the swimsuit models. Truly awe-inspiring.

4.) Basic (2003)

I was never bored during Basic, which in some ways should put it in the top 30th percentile of Sunday Morning Movies, but you can't look past that ending. People are (rightly) down on M. Night Shyamalan and his preposterous twist endings, but they've got absolutely nothing on this one. As soon as it ended, I had to restrain my friend from throwing the DVD across the room, so he settled for throwing a chair.

5.) Sex Lives of the Potato Men (2004)

The little seen and even less remembered Brit-com Sex Lives of the Potato Men must hold the honour for absolute worst film the Sunday Morning Movie has ever screened. Not only is it stupid and painfully (PAINFULLY) unfunny, it is so disgusting that my friend threw up watching it. Twice.
_____________________________________

Thank you, Matthew.
THE FUTURIST! wishes you well.

THE FUTURIST!'s TOP 5 Jack Lemmon Movies X 2

Today is the anniversary of actor Jack Lemmon's birth in 1925.
THE FUTURIST! will commemorate this day with his favorite Lemmon performances in motion pictures. This is a daunting task. Mr. Lemmon is one of THE FUTURIST!'s favorite actors. He was a man who could equally take on comedic and dramatic roles ... or blend those two halves of the thespian's mask into one character. If you take a good hard look at his Felix Ungar in THE ODD COUPLE, you see a very sad man that is presented to us by Neil Simon's words to represent a very funny comical character. THE FUTURIST! thinks that Lemmon transcends the playwright/screenwriter's intentions and gives us so much more depth by his acting.

Because of the many roles that THE FUTURIST! enjoys because of Lemmon's expert stepping of his actorly toe in the pool of smile and sadness, he has devised two Top 5 Lists. THE FUTURIST! is allowed to cheat ... it is his world created here in Utter Despair, NJ.

THE FUTURIST!'S TOP 5 FAVORITE COMEDIC JACK LEMMON ROLES
(in alphabetical order)

1. THE APARTMENT
2. AVANTI!
3. THE GREAT RACE
4. THE ODD COUPLE
5. SOME LIKE IT HOT

THE FUTURIST!'s TOP 5 FAVORITE DRAMATIC JACK LEMMON ROLES

1. AIRPORT '77
2. THE CHINA SYNDROME
3. THE DAYS OF WINE AND ROSES
4. MISSING
5. SAVE THE TIGER

The Gentle of Leisure's Top 5 Not Very Definitive Film List of 2010

The Gentleman of Leisure

seen at the back of his European cinema

trying to locate a preferable seat in the darkness

and being hampered by the fact he is wearing sunglasses.

Or The Gentleman is resting against a pole from which

he is awaiting the ball to drop signaling the beginning

of the New Year of 2011.

Either way ...

he is comfortable and without a care in the world.

It's time once again for another Top 5 List from THE FUTURIST!'s mysterious friend in faraway Europe ... The Gentleman of Leisure. As most readers will recall, The Gentleman lives an idle life of whim and relaxation supported by whatever means necessary and totally unencumbered by worry or stress. A life THE FUTURIST! envies intensely. THE FUTURIST! loves and hates The Gentleman at the very same time. In fact, this battle of emotions causes even more stress for the already neurotic and "on the edge" THE FUTURIST!

Occasionally, The Gentleman sends a new communication to Utter Despair. This time it is his Top 5 List of films he viewed in 2010. As stated below, he did not see as many as he wished, but he cobbled together a roster to delight THE FUTURIST! Delight? Not in the case of I'M STILL HERE which he seems to have included. Well, besides that inclusion, THE FUTURIST! wishes The Gentleman a Happy New Year and wishes to cyber hug him for his contributions during the life of this blog.

THE GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE'S TOP 5
NOT VERY DEFINITIVE LIST OF FAVORITE FILMS OF 2010
(in descending order)

I found myself loving a lot of films this year, and I didn't even see everything I wanted to, so my top 5 may not be definitive. But, regardless, I'm very fond of all the films here, and couldn't see my list changing too much.

5. MONSTERS
Inspiring for its budget alone, but also natural, beautiful filmmaking.

4. CYRUS
A funny, real and very likable film from The Duplass Brothers.

3. BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS
Complete madness. Caster Troy turns it up to eleven with Werner Herzog at the helm. As Cage says himself in one of many choice quotes: "I just love it!"

2.I'M STILL HERE
I know TF! hated this, but I tried not to read anything about it and saw it soon after it came out. I think that made a big difference in viewing it, I didn't know what I was watching. It could alternately be viewed as rich and brilliantly new, or hollow and pointless. I am in the former camp.

1.GREENBERG
I just love it.


I look forward to another year of being able to watch films!
__________________________________________

THE FUTURIST! is assured you will look forward to another year
of watching films whenever you want to ... in your damnable LEISURE!!

* sigh *

THE FUTURIST!'s Top 5 People Born on Dec. 28

Through pure happenstance, THE FUTURIST! discovered that today is the birthday of Lokar20. Lokar20 is not the name of a super villain from Superman comic books (much like Brainiac 5) or the name of a mineral that could be used in the production of nuclear energy sought after by enemy spies. It is NOT, even, the name of a new alcoholic beverage banned in certain East Coast States in America. Lokar20 is the pen name or Twitter moniker of Matthew Henderson who is lokarlly (hee hee) situated in the region of the capital of THE FUTURIST!'s own USA.

THE FUTURIST! knows a bit about Matthew. He was in Scotland for some time. He loves 80s music, likes to watch movies on Sunday mornings and has a soul shaking weakness for fried chicken. He may, also, be a workplace anarchist.

This is his 3rd favorite Christmas song:



and this is his Number One Favorite Track of the 20th Century:



Matthew is a fine writer, as well.
THE FUTURIST! finds momentary pleasure
reading his occasional film and television reviews here.

As stated, THE FUTURIST! found out that today was his birthday
when Matthew commented that "the hot blonde" from TRON LEGACY
(Beau Garret)shared his date of birth.

THE FUTURIST! likes to make Top 5 Lists and he loves inviting others to contribute lists to this blog. A regular contributor has been The Gentleman of Leisure, for instance. THE FUTURIST! also likes to celebrate the birthdays of people he enjoys in some silly creative manner. This is about to be attempted.

THE FUTURIST!'s TOP 5 PEOPLE BORN
ON THE SAME DAY AS MATTHEW HENDERSON
(December 28)

1. Double Academy Award Winning Actress MAGGIE SMITH - 76

2. Portrayer of Lieutenant Uhura on Star Trek NICHELLE NICHOLS - 78

3. Saturday Night Live Writer & Performer SETH MEYERS - 37

4. ANOTHER Double Academy Award Winning Actor DENZEL WASHINGTON - 56

5. American Idol Runner-Up DAVID ARCHULETA - 20

Happy Birthday to all!

The Gentleman of Leisure's Top 5 Scary Songs to Avoid Before Bedtime

The Gentleman of Leisure

hides in the shadows of SHOCKtober

looking menacing, yet still well-dressed

and without a care in the world.

The Gentleman of Leisure has agreed to contribute, as he did last year, a Top 5 List with a SHOCKtober theme. The Gentleman resides in Europe, specifically Scotland, though he is from the Emerald Isle known as Ireland. THE FUTURIST! does not know what plans The Gentleman has in store for his European Halloween, but it will probably involve dressing in a dapper manner, wearing sunglasses and doing little else. THE FUTURIST! does not envision The Gentleman of Leisure actually trick or treating door to door. He would probably have the treats brought to him and politely thank the donor. What scares The Gentleman? Most likely the prospect of having an actual 9 to 5 job or doing manual labor ... but, below you will find 5 songs that The Gentleman finds too disturbing to listen to before your head hits the pillow at night.

THE GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE'S TOP 5 LIST
OF SCARY SONGS TO AVOID BEFORE BEDTIME
(intro by The Gentleman)

I'm sure there are thousands of terrifying records out there that would scare me to no end, but I generally don't seek them out. Scary is not something I look for in my music. However, there are still certain songs in my collection that I would think twice about playing before going to sleep. So, this is a list of scary songs within the realm of my musical tastes. Listening to this assemblage I can see some common features; drony feedback, scratching guitars, discordant vocals, and prominent synths. Nothing chilling, in fact all things I like. But, under the right conditions, these songs can be quite eerie. If in doubt, imagine listening to them in bed, in the dark, before dreaming. Better yet - give it a go!

1. IN CAMERA - DIE LAUGHING




2. GARY NUMAN - PRAY




3. THE BIRTHDAY PARTY - DEAD JOE




4. KURT COBAIN & WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS - THE PRIEST




5. KLAUS NOMI - KEYS OF LIFE



Thank you, Gentleman of Leisure ...
you may continue to sit back and enjoy life.

Thomas Meek's Top 5 "Scary" Movies

Mr. Thomas Meek

providing a photo with what

he referred to as a ... "suave" look.

THE FUTURIST! thinks it reminds him

of what a worm sees before a house wren

devours it whole.

Last SHOCKtober, THE FUTURIST! featured a myriad of fantastically frightening lists of Top 5 scary films by guest contributors. This Scare Season, THE FUTURIST! wishes to continue the tradition in the same AND a different way.

This Top 5 List has been created by Thomas Meek of Great Britain. Thomas is a Scot by birth according to the data he supplied to THE FUTURIST!, but for some reason he migrated to the environs of Dickens, Trollope and Jack the Ripper. Thomas came to THE FUTURIST!'s attention through the auspices of David Quin (whose name has arisen in other posts on this blog, as well as on the Scotland police blotter.) Mr. Quin and Mr. Meek partnered on this past Summer's Free Ed Podcast which was an interview show of sorts featuring performers from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. THE FUTURIST! listened to all of the podcasts. They started off totally incomprehensible and got progressively more incomprehensible to the point that THE FUTURIST! hired a dialect coach from the Utter Despair Community College to sit with him during his listening sessions. The coach helped a bit, but mostly drank THE FUTURIST!'s gin and ate his olives. All honesty aside, the podcasts did get better and reached an apex of ego inflation for THE FUTURIST! due to his name being mentioned in the last broadcast. THE FUTURIST! felt the best times were when the boys talked to each other in their unrehearsed way and not when they spoke to their guests. That of course was not the point of the podcast, but who cares? Funny is funny. The best is the unexpected.

Thomas seems to be he more "put together" of the two. More well-scrubbed and is one of those type of individuals that does justice to an argyle sweater vest. THE FUTURIST! has no idea what Thomas does for a living, but he occasionally writes jokes like these:

I want to make a joke exactly 30 seconds from now,
but I'm worried it might be too soon.

Worried that my jokes are too inaccessible.
I mean, they're all about wheelchair users

Richard Gere earns a lot of money for a Buddhist.
It's an embarrassment of Rich's

I don't like to discuss my computer. It's personal.

New sitcom idea about a sentient typewriter. It writes itself.

This hotel receptionist is really into me.
She's totally checking me out.

Thomas has been kind enough to supply THE FUTURIST! with this lovely list. It contains profanity, but is very well written and is very involved. IT is not a conventional scary movie list, but you'll get the point. The work put into it is much appreciated.

Thomas, THE FUTURIST! loves you.

THOMAS MEEK'S TOP 5 LIST OF "SCARY" MOVIES
(there is a preface written by Mr. Meek)

I should preface this list with an admission – I don't really watch scary movies. Or watch scary TV shows (Twilight Zone and Eerie Indiana aside, but my reasons for watching them have nothing to do with terrors – more comedy and curiosity). I really just don't indulge in any activities that can be qualified as frightening in any true sense.

Not that I'm a wimp or a child (I have 23 unsatisfied years to my name), I just find it very hard to be entertained by something that's main purpose is to provide some cathartic glimpse into the fears that prick each person's soul, yet seem to have no relevance for me.

I don't fear zombies, I don't fear ghosts, I don't fear vampires; they don't exist. And I don't fear serial killers, psychopathic axe welders, nor being impregnated by the devil; these events are rare and isolated.

That said, there are films I do find terrifying. Though you're not likely to find these films in the horror section of any Global Video. The things that scare me on screen are the things that scare me in real life. And these five films provide a glimpse into what erects my nips.

1. HOME ALONE
This is the obvious place to start, and truly one of the most terrifying situations brought to life on screen. There is a boy. He is at home. He is at home, alone. Without parents or family or any responsible guardian of any sort (I don't count old, black and white gangster films). And this boy, who is both at home and alone, is being preyed upon by two ruthless, if incompetent, fully grown criminals. This is a horrifying position for anyone to be in, but for a child, who must be at most eight-years-old (the film may clarify this, I am unsure – I'm too scared to watch it again) it is unimaginable and grotesque. These men seem to just have material goods on their mind, but their pursuit is relentless and, for a fevered young mind such as mine, the violation of the childhood home – this womblike sanctuary of family and love – is more horrendous than any ghoul or goblin. And these men are criminals! Their morals are made clear to be lacking by the admittedly tight script, and who knows what more they could have violated. And one of them is fucking Joe Pesci! An actual mother tossing gangster who shoots people in the foot for no real reason. Home Alone is not a fun family comedy. It is a childhood nightmare of invasion, with the real potential of rape, pain and death glossed over with some pratfalls and tins of paint.

2. P.S., I LOVE YOU
I mainly choose this film from my (very) masculine perspective. In that, it unrealistically raises the expectations of what women can expect from men. To express genuine devotional love to a female companion whilst still alive is a tough ask for any man, but to do so whilst buried six feet underground with a brain full of tumour is, at best, bloody impossible. Yet, this is the actual, proper, genuine premise for this romantic horror. Nothing I do, no matter how real and personal it is, will ever match Gerard 'him?' Butler doing a stupid dance while taking off his underwear then getting all ill and moaning about it then leaving some stupid, sodding letter about life and possibilities and moving on in some shed in Ireland for Hilary 'her?' Swank to find and realise stuff as her big droopy, wet face gets even droopier and wet. The horror! I've bought lollipops for people who can't eat chocolate!!! Where's my prize? Where's my 2 hour shit film? Where's my blow job from a droopy-faced Oscar winning actress?!?! People with brain tumours and the ability to write sentimental balls are the luckiest people alive! Though not for much longer. Natch. The film also has Camera Obscura on the soundtrack. This is terrifying too in that such an amazing band would let such an obviously terrible film make use of its music.

3. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
This film has two of my most feared things of all time – sentient machines and giant babies. Thus its place on the list. I'd also rank this in my top five films of all time, as it also beautiful, graceful and poignant in a way only true masterworks of art are, but damn, that baby is giant! And with the big old eyes! And its foetal curve – you can see its hideous spine contracting into that terrifying, uncomfortable shape as the links form bumps through the skin, reminding of a thousand pictures of the holocaust and groups of starving Jews, skeletons protruding and eyes pleading. Horrible. The sentient machine part is also absurdly chilling, but in a genuine, purposeful way that other people have covered far better than I could. It is horrible though isn't it?

4. THE GRADUATE
Similarly to 2001, The Graduate would also be in my top five movies of all time. In fact, it'd be there sitting pretty at number one, urinating on all beneath it as Revolutionary Road and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Cyrstal Skull drown in piss at the very bottom. For it is immaculate, and heartbreaking. And absolutely terrifying beyond any other fear portrayed on celluloid. For it is the scare that makes this movie. And that scare is that there is no such thing as a happy ending. If you haven't seen this movie, stop doing everything and just watch it by any means. Usually just buying the DVD is okay, but you can get a time machine and travel back in time and watch it at the cinema if you must, or get Dustin Hoffman et al to recreate each individual scene for you in front of your ungrateful eyes. But he probably wouldn't do that. He has his limits. For those who have seen it though, those final 30 seconds are as spine-chilling and nerve-tingling as any knife in the throat or wail in the night. Hoffman has got the girl. But he has ruined the lives of two families. And he is not sure if he has made the right choice. Decisions are terrifying. Knowing one of your decisions has made someone else unhappy is terrifying. Knowing one of your decisions has made yourself unhappy, with no way to get out, is nail-biting, sofa-hiding stuff. We like to seek our happy ending, but when we make the decision that seems to make that happen and we're still unhappy, that is the stuff that keeps us awake at night. The Graduate is the closest a film has ever got to realising our deepest fear – being unhappy and not having a clue how to change that feeling.

5. EXPELLED: NO INTELLIGENCE ALLOWED
I've not actually seen this film, but I've read about it and that was enough to give me the willies. This is a film about evolution. Denouncing evolution that is, with claims that belief in this 'theory' was, in part, to blame for the holocaust. Standard stuff from batshit insane right-wing middle-America? Well, yes. But the terrifying thing about Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed is who made it. For the co-writer and star of this (probable) crapathon is Ben Stein, aka the teacher in Ferris Beuller's Day Off. You know, the one who goes 'Bueller? Bueller?' for ages and its hilarious. And he's also done voices in Animaniacs and Fairly Odd Parents and other great stuff. Yet he's a fucking mental! A man, so once beloved, who offers one of the best moments in a movie packed full of amazing moments, is responsible for such deranged toss. That's far more scary and distressing than any secluded log cabin.

THE FUTURIST!'s Top 5 Guys He'd Go Gay For

DURING a Twitter "give and take" of comical context, THE FUTURIST! was in a 3-way (let him finish the sentence) 140 character "conversation" with Jeremy Mathews (Buster Keaton Enthusiast) of Salt Lake City, Utah and author of The Same Dame, a blog about film. The other person in this communication was David Quin, THE FUTURIST!'s favorite idle Scotsman. The discussion, of sorts, was started by Quin stating he'd "go gay for" Orson Welles. Of course, if THE FUTURIST! had been drinking a liquid at the time of reading that sentence, he would have performed a spit take of epic vaudevillian splendor. It was soon clarified that David Quin would have "gone gay" for the corpulent bearded Whales, uh Welles, ... not just the younger more svelte and polished Orson of 1941. He said that the sexual alarm bells would start ringing as soon as Welles said he had directed CITIZEN KANE ... no matter his girth. After hearing that, THE FUTURIST! immediately did pour a drink, sip it and then DID do a spit take of Cecil B. DeMille Red Sea parting proportions. Quin pointed out other men he said he'd go gay for including Robert Downey Jr., David Hemmings and the current Doctor Who Matt Smith. Quin asserted, however, he was all heterosexual, but was confident enough with his seemingly straight sense of self *cough cough* to make these fantasy assertions.

This all led to THE FUTURIST! writing that it would be humorous if he and Jeremy Mathews made a list of men they would "go gay" for and create dual blog posts exposing these names of the men. The names were qualified as those in Film, Authors, Artists, etc. So, as part of THE FUTURIST!'s occasional TOP 5 LISTS, which appear here as observations from Utter Despair, THE FUTURIST! presents his list.

THE FUTURIST! and Jeremy discussed whether the men should be of the past or present ... it was never quite determined, so THE FUTURIST! is creating a list that will specify when he would or would have gone gay for the person.

To relax you, dear reader, as you peruse,
let THE FUTURIST! provide some mood music.
This is very psychologically revealing for THE FUTURIST!

THE FUTURIST!'s TOP 5 GUYS HE'D GO GAY FOR

(in alphabetical order)

1. JAMES BADGE DALE

He can be seen currently on the

AMC Television show RUBICON

THE FUTURIST! has been told Mr. Dale was on the

HBO series THE PACIFIC and on 24, but on

that program he sported a shaved pate.

THE FUTURIST! prefers the curly wavy grayish

riding atop his furrowed brow as pictured above.

2. HUGH DANCY

THE FUTURIST! could write more about

what a good actor Mr Dancy is or how he can produce

impeccable American accents or how he looks in Autumnal

sweaters or corduroy or a suit and tie,

but from the picture above, it appears that Mr. Dancy is facially

expressing how perturbed he feels appearing on this list.

THE FUTURIST! will cease and move on ...

3. F. SCOTT FITZGERALD

What more can THE FUTURIST! write?

Who wouldn't want to have cocktails with a sauced up

Fitzgerald and make sexual filthy illusions

about his Great Gatsby?

Oh, he was Beautiful and THE FUTURIST! is Damned.

4. JEAN PIERRE LEAUD

Truffaut's movie creation of Antoine Doinel

was perfectly cast with this somewhat look-alike

of the director himself.

THE FUTURIST! couldn't decide on which to select.

The Director or The Actor?

Wait ...

THE FUTURIST! can't speak French, but

he can say...

Menage a trois?

5. TERENCE STAMP

THE FUTURIST! would definitely Go Gay

for the 60s era Stamp.

Look at him above in that shot from MODESTY BLAISE.

Very handsome and he can be oh so innocent and then devilish.

THE FUTURIST! is not interested in the General Zod Stamp

of SUPERMAN II ... especially when

he was in that black S&M Krypton outfit

and demanded people to kneel before him.

THE FUTURIST! would kneel for him, but

only circa 1965 or so.

AND NOW THE WILD CARD GUY THE FUTURIST!

WOULD GO GAY FOR ...

JAMES McAVOY

Yes, he would be the Wild Card.

Why?

Because he can look quite strange at times ...

like a bug eyed creature with a sickly countenance.

But, THE FUTURIST! would definitely

consider him .... ONLY he if wears a tuxedo.

In this case, the clothes do make the man.

At least, for THE FUTURIST!

You may find Jeremy Mathews' List

HERE

And now, before you go ...
please watch this word from today's blog post sponsor:

The Gentleman of Leisure's Top 5 Summer Songs

The Gentleman of Leisure

enjoying his Life, listening to music,

lounging in the grass in the sun ... and making

THE FUTURIST! incredibly, terribly envious.

THE FUTURIST!'s dear friend from across the Big Pond, THE GENTLEMEN OF LEISURE, is back. He has provided another list for the blog. His last list was from last SHOCKtober, wherein he listed his favorite horror pictures. It was one of the very first TOP 5 LISTS that THE FUTURIST! has featured. The Gentleman was kind enough to provide another ... he has nothing else much to do, actually ... he is a Man of Leisure, you know. The last list went over well, as did his accompanying photograph, which showed him in his glorious sloth-like fashion slumming about at a cafe somewhere in Ireland. This time The Gentleman is reporting from Scotland and he seems a bit more "put together" in a physical sense. Last time he seemed a bit mussed up ... a tad hungover, perhaps lethargic due to liquor imbibing. The above photo shows him as debonair as ever (great vest and tie), seemingly more attune to his surroundings and quite happy. And his hair is combed.

The Gentleman has found a new devil-may-care life in the land of kilts, Scotch Whiskey and Sean Connery ... and he found time in his very heavy schedule of doing practically nothing to compile for his good friend in Utter Despair, N.J. a new list. This one is his favorite Summer songs. Please read, listen, watch and enjoy ...

THE GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE'S
TOP 5 SUMMER SONGS

1. MR. BLUE SKY - E.L.O.
Possibly an obvious choice, but you can't argue
with the Electric Light Orchestra!




2. YOU AND ME AND THE MOON - Magnetic Fields
One of my favourite songs.
Very energetic and perfect for summer.
(The only online copy I could find is a terrible lip-sync
by some young one, so please hide the video away and just listen.)

* A Word from THE FUTURIST! -
The Gentleman's reference to a "Young One"
is his parlance for a female of youthful age.
Back to the list ...




3. SLOOP JOHN B - The Beach Boys
Nothing says summer quite like The Beach Boys,
and this one has a touch of sadness to it, too.
"Then he took and ate up all of my corn."




4. SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND - The Divine Comedy
Something for the summer, even? Neil Hannon is quite
the Gentleman of Leisure in this video, too!




5. ATLANTIS - Donovan
Another one of my favourite tunes, and
a perfect closer for this summer EP! Enjoy!



Ah! The Gentlemen of Leisure included Neil Hannon and The Divine Comedy.
The Gentleman is a man after THE FUTURIST!'s own small sad heart.

Dear Gentleman of Leisure:
Thank you for your list and please continue to lounge about,
enjoy Life, dress in sartorial splendor and communicate with
THE FUTURIST! with your wonderful lists. And, of course, continue
to make THE FUTURIST! incredibly envious regarding your care-free
existence. You are the antithesis of THE FUTURIST! Damn you!

David Quin's "Top 5 List of Shows that Defined My Sense of Humour"

Mr. David Quin

enjoying the pleasant environs

and people of his native Scotland.

It's been awhile since THE FUTURIST! has posted a friendly correspondent or FRIEND OF THE FUTURIST! Top 5 List. Today, another list comes your way directly from Scotland from the always whimsical Mr. David Quin, who has appeared on this blog before ... regarding NUT CRACKING.

Mr. Quin came to THE FUTURIST!'s attention through quite a circuitous route. For some odd, but perfectly splendid, reason THE FUTURIST! has many correspondents from Ireland and Scotland. Mr. Quin came way of the wonderful Amber Wilkinson who writes for EYE FOR FILM. Ms. Wilkinson encountered THE FUTURIST! through Twitter and this led to Mr. Quin.

Discovering Mr. Quin is akin to the sensation that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle must have felt tingle through his portly body after he received those sepia tinged photographs of forest fairies ... photos supplied by a sweet little English girl in 1917. Those photos were proven to be a hoax, but the same can not be said concerning Mr. Quin.

He is the real deal ... a Scottish (over 6 foot) slightly bearded bespectacled sprite who dashes about the streets and green hills of Peebles (his town of residence) living an inexplicable life of carefree shenanigans. His work as a some kind of theater office promotions employee occupies most of his week, but each day he draws a bewitching breath bears mystery to THE FUTURIST! ... what else does he do? He writes of insomnia, his love of Doctor Who, his new cardigan, World Cup Soccer (or football, as he calls it) and his excursions taking jaunts climbing hills ... and photographing the hills. He has the kind of life THE FUTURIST! dreams about ... no cares ... frolicking ... visiting pubs ... wearing cardigans. Yes ... dreams about ... only dreams. And his town of Peebles seems to be the anti-Utter Despair, N.J. Just read this wikipedia description:

Peebles is a burgh in the committee area of Tweeddale, in the Scottish Borders, lying on the River Tweed ... The town is surrounded by hill country on all sides and is therefore an attractive centre for the hillwalker ... In 2005, a study by the New Economics Foundation ranked Peebles as the best town in Scotland (second best in the UK, after Hebden Bridge in Yorkshire) for range of independent shops and 'home town identity.

Mr. Quin is an enigma. A man who seems to live Life with joyous abandon. Yet, oft times, THE FUTURIST! detects some melancholy ... a tinge of loneliness in his later evening writings. This happens to the best of us ... but unlike THE FUTURIST!, who takes sadness to bed at the end of each day and awakes to find it took most of the blanket during the night, David Quin greets each day with wide eyed wonder. He is a very funny fellow with a kind heart and below you shall find his list of comedic influences. THE FUTURIST! especially likes his inclusion of ALAN PARTRIDGE. It is very very funny.

DAVID QUIN'S TOP 5 LIST OF SHOWS
THAT DEFINED MY SENSE OF HUMOUR
(that's the European way of spelling humor)


(In descending order)


5) Peep Show

Following in the deeply British tradition of sitcoms
about reprehensible, self-loathing characters failing at life,
Peep Show took me a while to get into (I hated it at first)
but it's a wonderful show.

(Clips from THE PEEP SHOW all have disabled embedding barriers.
David wished to show a clip, so THE FUTURIST! will post
the link so you may enjoy a sampling. CLICK PLEASE!)

4) I'm Alan Partridge

Before trying to break Hollywood, and nearly driving
Owen Wilson to suicide in the process, Steve Coogan was very funny.
His greatest creation found his ideal vehicle in this magnificent sitcom.

3) Brass Eye

I can't think of a blurb for this. It's Chris Morris, he of Four Lions fame, spoofing current affairs with utter perfection, culminating in the-most-controversial-thing-ever, his special on pedophilia.

(Clips from BRASS EYE are, also, *sigh * disabled from embedding.
Please CLICK HERE for a peek at the show.)

2) This Morning With Richard Not Judy

Richard Herring and Stewart Lee's last whack at the mainstream was this glorious Sunday morning (!) TV sketch show thing, which I discovered at about fourteen. Very set in British 90s culture, but consistently wonderful. See also their previous show ‘Fist of Fun.’

1) The Armando Iannucci Show

Having spent the last ten years or so mocking British TV and politics, Armando Iannucci, recently of In the Loop acclaim, decided in 2001 to have a relaxing time off with this less ambitious project, which satirises the very nature of being alive. Totally sublime.

iFiction's Top 5 Ageless Men of History

The Fountain of Youth

by Lucas Cranach the Elder (1472-1553)

THE FUTURIST! presents a new Top 5 List concocted by Aaron Johnson, known as @iFiction on the miraculous 140 character transmission device known as Twitter. THE FUTURIST! doesn't "know" Aaron Johnson in the corporeal sense. AS is the case in today's strange, yet wonderful, internet world, we encounter others in a digital written manner ... no actual speaking, no actual flesh and bone presence to gaze upon and no chance of catching a cold from each other. People don't even know where each other reside; for instance, Aaron Johnson states on his Twitter that his Locale is THE UNIVERSE and his Bio claims .. I AM. An enigma, but one that communicates from the ether of the ghostly world wide web. Well, the same can be said for THE FUTURIST! ... correct?

Here are some amazing "tweets" he has posted:

It so happens I have come to learn that "Love," "Creativity," and,
"God" are more or less equivalent terms.

Virtuality; intimidation fluxes off the sides of an intimate
expansion, radiant, transparent, ecstatically and radically full.

We all share No Self.

I'm such a nihilist that I don't even believe
in not believing in anything.

The problem with romance, courtship, and chivalry is that they're rooted in an idealization of one's partner, which inhibits mutuality.

Sometimes a cigar is just a penis.

Aardvark. Aardvark. Aardvark. Aardvark. Aardvark.
Aardvark. Aardvark. Aardvark. Aardvark. Aardvark. Aardvark. Aardvark

"Lost" is quite possibly the greatest story ever told on television.


Aaron has contributed a Top 5 List of his own choosing which is as enigmatic as himself. He has, also, asked to include the video below the list for your perusal. It is an amazing mini-analysis of a person we are all aware of ... and may explain a lot about him. Please enjoy. And thank you, Aaron Johnson for your list!

AARON JOHNSON'S TOP 5 AGELESS, UNDYING
(and Potentially Fictional) MEN OF HISTORY

1. BRUCE WAYNE - DC Comics character, secret identity of The Batman

2. RICHARD ALPERT - mysterious character on the TV show LOST

3. KEANU REEVES - actor

4. BUDDHA - religious figure

5. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE - English Playwright

THE FUTURIST!'s Top 5 Worst Olivier Film Accents

The Late Sir Laurence Olivier is considered one of the greatest actors of stage and screen. He has won numerous awards for his tour de force acting turns in many productions, including an Academy Award for his role as Hamlet. THE FUTURIST! found his performances in SLEUTH, MARATHON MAN, HENRY V, SPARTACUS and his beautiful understated role in REBECCA to be all memorable. However ... yes ... however, Sir Larry could instill the chill of complete cringe worthy tremors with some of his "acting". Terrible hammy mannerisms and forced accents that could make one wince and, yet, want to laugh in horror marked many of his later film performances. THE FUTURIST! will now list his favorite unfavored 5 .... which surprisingly are all from 1978 to 1980.

TOP 5 WORST SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER FILM ACCENTS

1. Cantor Rabinovitch in THE JAZZ SINGER (1980)
Possibly Jewish, Balkan, German, Swedish or Venusian

2. Prof. Abraham Van Helsing in DRACULA (1979)
Possibly German, Jewish, Czech, Irish and Elmo

3. Ezra Lieberman in THE BOYS FROM BRAZIL (1978)
Possibly German, Jewish or Alvin of the Chipmunks

4. Loren Hardeman in THE BETSY (1978)
Possibly Texan, Foghorn Leghorn or Yosemite Sam

5. Julius in A LITTLE ROMANCE (1979)
Definitely Pepe Le Pew and Jewish or German

Top 5 Talking Heads Songs by haiku

THE FUTURIST! loves inviting others to provide lists to his blog. People love lists. They are always compiling things they like or need to buy or desired goals in some kind of order. At this past year's end everyone was making lists of things they loved for the year or the decade. Very often people will list things they even hated. Everyone has a list of some kind ... grocery shoppers, people doing household chores, corporate types listing those to be fired and so forth. THE FUTURIST! even made a list of his favorite films of the decade in an earlier post.

Today THE FUTURIST! asked haiku to compile a list of his favorite Talking Heads musical achievements. haiku loves the Talking Heads and he loves lists. Perfect. Let's go:

haiku's TOP 5 TALKING HEADS SONGS
(in descending order)

5. "I Feel It In My Heart" bonus track off the remastered Talking Heads: 77
I believe this is a B-side to an early single off their first album, not sure. I can understand why it wouldn't make the cut on the album, but I've grown so attached to this song after discovering it on the remastered release that it's become one of my favorites. I feel like it encapsulates the innocence of early Talking Heads, as pure a Talking Heads song as you can get.

4. "Crosseyed and Painless" off Remain In Light
Sweaty, nervous white funk. There is so much going on in this song that it becomes overwhelming at times. The rhythm goes straight to your hips, which can be an embarrassing thing in public (especially if you don't have any).

3. "Pulled Up" off Talking Heads: 77
Simply a great, great pop song. The contrast between the cymbal-crashing and the groovy, noodly breaks is really effective, as is Byrne's nonsense barking.

2. "Once In a Lifetime" off Remain In Light
This song plays out in great mind images like a one act play with a black backdrop. It's like Beckett set to funky bass and watery synths. "Lights go up. Enter man on stage wearing gray flannel suit and black frame glasses. He hits himself on the head repeatedly, knocking it back every time. He dances awkwardly and elatedly. Lights dim. Curtains fall."

1. "This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)" off Stop Making Sense
The Stop Making Sense live version specifically. Maybe my favorite song of all time. The lyrics are unabashedly sentimental, but not overly so. The repetitive, subdued funkiness of the bass/synth line, the colorful lead guitar flourishes, and that wonderful vocal melody and delivery. I mean, it's the most beautiful thing Talking Heads put out in a large body of work that is characteristically intellectual, funky, and unsentimental -- and you can still dance to it.

Cannon & McGrath's Most Wanted List

Cannon and McGrath Dutch Angle Style.

THE FUTURIST! was recently befriended by Irish police detectives Cannon and McGrath after he assisted them, and their Chief, with information regarding counterfeit Guinness being mass produced and black marketed overseas by unscrupulous characters in a certain part of New Jersey. How THE FUTURIST! was able to assist them cannot be disclosed except to say that it involved a lot of vomiting. Anywho, since he has made their acquaintance and found them to be quite affable, THE FUTURIST! asked them to give him a list of their favorite television detective/police/crime programs. They acquiesced immediately and sent him the following list:

CANNON & McGRATH'S FAVORITE TV CRIME SHOWS
(list compiled while they were on duty)

McGrath:
The Wire: This one took me a while to get into but it definitely lives
up to the hype. I particularly love the bluesy soundtrack and backdrop
of Baltimore. It's very complex and you get a lot out of watching it
for a second time.

The Shield: Criminally, this one is often overlooked, but I think it's
one of the most thrilling and dramatic shows on TV. Great acting and
the camera work (which I was initially put off by) add so much to it.

Cannon:
The Sweeney: Excitingly basic thrills and gritty storylines make this
an essential '70s British police show. No matter how boring an
episode's plot has been, when it abruptly ends and makes way for the
poignant closing theme, you're always left wanting more.

The Job: A sitcom based in a New York police precinct, starring Denis
Leary. The same team went on to create the much more successful, and
more hard-hitting, Rescue Me. One of the funniest shows around, it
was, of course, cancelled after one series.

Police Squad: A send-up of the police genre which went on to spawn the
even funnier, and tighter, The Naked Gun series. But, there are still
plenty of glimmers of that genius here, not least the "freeze-frame"
gag at the end of every episode.

Columbo: Always on TV on a Sunday afternoon, Columbo is a very
danger-free detective show. We always know who has committed the crime
(as does Columbo), but keep watching for two hours until he tells
them. Typically, they always take it well.

And here is one of their adventures. It begins with one of THE FUTURIST!'s favorite opening shots in film history.

Dr. Seussonoras' Scientifically Selected Top 5 Horrors

Dr. Steven Seussonoras, Michigan scientific genius,
poses with his alternative dimension ray gun
while leading an alternative lifestyle.

THE FUTURIST! is proud to present one of the most important people he has never met, namely Dr. Seussonoras of Ypsilanti, Michigan. AS stated in many blog posts and other venues, THE FUTURIST! is in constant contact with the good Doctor regarding new scientific breakthroughs in the field of the unknown and bizarre. Dr. Seussonoras has provided THE FUTURIST! with many items of great interest; several being the Cerebral Cortex Dream Visualizer, his Time Tunnel Garage and the Lower Torso Stress Reducer (patent pending).
THE FUTURIST! can not express (in mere words) his good fortune in finding the Doctor and making him a source of continual intelligent correspondence ... and he's a damn good writer.

DR. SEUSSONORAS' SCIENTIFICALLY
SELECTED TOP 5 HORROR FILMS
(the intro is in his own words ...)

"Being a doctor -- and therefore a learned man -- practically nothing on this earth can scare me. I would love to see more great horror films, but it seems the genre isn't as substantial as I'd like. But there are a few films that give me "the chills" or "the willies" or the like. Here's five:

1) Alien

Ridley Scott is a proven master of mood and atmosphere, and nothing gets those pesky neck hairs standing on end like his first sci-fi masterpiece (I really must remember to dust off the Seussonoras "Spinal-Follicle-Eradicator"). In the film, youth betrays mother, machine betrays man, and mother eventually rebounds and kicks ass. Some might wonder who is the real outsider: the human intruders or the alien natives? The answer is neither: it's the viewer, and that makes it all the more terrifying.

2) Rosemary's Baby

I'll have to agree with Mr. Eliminator -- I really didn't like this movie very much upon first viewing, but Polanski's great skill as a director (in the early 70's, at least) flourishes in this film to a degree that will no doubt startle audiences even in another 30 years. Over the film's daunting length, Polanski tugs us deeper and deeper into both the claustrophobic madhouse of the apartment building and the increasingly paranoid psyche of Mia Farrow's motherly heroine. Everybody knows the ending, but it's the maddening journey through those plastered hallways and maternal nightmares that make this film a worthy endeavor for the horror enthusiast and casual Halloween film-goer alike.

3/4) The Thing/Halloween

I can't decide if John Carpenter gets too much credit as a director or just enough. Everybody's seen at least half of his oeuvre, but I'm not sure if many realize the great skill he has for establishing mood by deftly defining space. By the time the alien parasite begins its rampage upon the American research base in "The Thing," we feel like we know both the characters and the base itself inside-out. Each tight corridor and cramped living quarter has become so familiar that we know exactly what corners to fear peeking around. The same goes for "Halloween": Carpenter creates a world in which the amorphous terror of The Shape (or Michael Myers, as he is more famously known) manages to deceive and surprise us, even in a clearly established territory. Scary stuff, indeed.

5) The Descent

The first time I saw it (in the rather dank and dated basement of my good friend Liz Aker's house in Monroe, MI) I was scared stupid. The second time, I might as well have seen the zipper on the spine of each of the beast's costumes -- each alleged "scare" was met with either laughter, an embarrassed cringe, or both. Nevertheless, I had fun upon both viewings."

THE FUTURIST! applauds you, Doctor! Bravo!

The Amazing Frollo's Really Lazy Last Minute Favorite Scary/Funny Film List

The Amazing Frollo is a magician, of sorts, that THE FUTURIST! has made the acquaintance of ... and he is the most blatantly worst magician he has ever seen. His "tricks" and his showmanship of illusion are quite anti-climatic. He has attempted to vanish and escape from strait-jackets and water tanks, but has usually fallen asleep during the attempt. It may be narcolepsy, but THE FUTURIST! believes it is pure laziness. The Amazing Frollo has the constitution of a garden slug. He barely can dress himself. He can rarely be relied upon for anything. He has been lucky that his cheap sideshow accomplices have saved his life the hundreds of times he has fallen into a sleepy stupor in an airtight trunk or, as mentioned, a locked water tank wherein he has almost drowned many times. Why s he a magician? Why does he persist in this half-assed attempts at prestidigitation? THE FUTURIST! doesn't know ... but he is continuously amazed at The Amazing Frollo.

In the above photo, he is pictured in a trunk during a recent show at the Marriott Marquis Theater in Manhattan. He fell asleep in the trunk pictured above during his show. The lock was not unlatched, due to the fact that his assistant was arrested for male sexual solicitation during intermission and he had the only key. The stage hands at the theater put the trunk, with Frollo inside, in the standby parking area of the Marriott Marquis Hotel and it was mistakenly picked up with other hotel guest luggage. In this case, it was included among Broadway diva Bernadette Peters' personal bags and transferred to Branson, Missouri where she was doing a revival of ANNIE GET YOUR GUN. The Amazing Frollo is currently awaiting bail in a "Show Me State" city jail.

In the spirit of his supreme mastery of sloth, The Amazing Frollo waited until Halloween to add his list of SHOCKtober film favorites. Here they are:

THE AMAZING FROLLO'S TOP 10
FAVORITE SCARY/FUNNY FILMS

Ghostbusters
This may not be considered a horror, but it has ghosts in it so I don't care. It also scared the crap out of me when I was a kid. And it's also one of the best comedies ever made, hands down.

Young Frankenstein
Somehow or another, Gene Wilder and Mel Brooks managed to make the definitive Frankenstein movie. Brooks' direction is faithful in a way that he would somehow forget to replicate in every other movie he made afterwards.

Return of the Killer Tomatoes
This film manages to be both a brilliant satire of awful low budget 80s horror flicks, and an awful low budget 80s horror flick. And George Clooney was absolutely charming, even back then.

An American Werewolf in London
John Landis' love letter to the monster movie genre is a good old-fashioned horror disguised as one of them newfangled gorefests. It could have fit right in in the 1940s, had the Hays Code not explicitly prohibited the depiction of werewolf penis.

Shaun of the Dead
This film really surprised me when I first saw it. I was expecting a funny zombie movie, but what I got was a brilliantly crafted comedy with scares and romance and fight choreography set to Queen. The total package, really.

Evil Dead II
I remember one of my friends brought this to a sleepover party that I had and I was disappointed that it wasn't as bad as Evil Dead I. But it does have Bruce Campbell going insane for 45 minutes, and that you can't really beat.

Beetlejuice
Something about this movie utterly appealed to me as a child, and for that I will always love it. I think it might have been the complete and utter silliness of everything that happens in the film. I've always been a sucker for that sort of thing.

Arsenic and Old Lace
Okay, this is really stretching the definition of horror, but I'd be remiss if I didn't put it on here. It's one of the funniest movies I've ever seen, and a great way to spend two nice cozy hours at the end of Halloween.

You will notice there are only 8 and not 10 films in the list. In the spirit of his inertia, The Amazing Frollo could only transcribe 8, before succumbing to a loss of energy. He was then shot out of a cannon into a vat of beer at a recent Oktoberfest.