Friday, July 2, 2010

The Scottish Sport of Nut Cracking

One's loins are always
at peril in the art of Nut Cracking

THE FUTURIST! recently learned of the Old Scottish Gentleman's Sport of Nut Cracking. It was brought to his attention by one of his European correspondents and man crushes David Quin (shown above in the eyeglasses and earthen colored cardigan). THE FUTURIST! always loves to learn of archaic sports or rituals, especially those from the old country. The lovely barren rustic scene above features an abode that inspired Agatha Christie to pen THE MYSTERIOUS AFFAIR AT STYLES in 1920.

NUT Cracking, as described by Mr. Quin, is similar to the aggressive antler dueling of stags in the wild. Mr. Quin, a young man of vast knowledge and frequent insomnia, explained it as being an unspoken "dare" that one male makes to another. As seen above, Mr Quin and his associate demonstrate what occurs when two males encounter each other on a path and this telepathic message is sent from one primal penis driven brain to another.

THE rules are such ... well, there actually are no rules.

TWO Males walking at opposite ends of any type of walkway can suddenly lunge at each other and attempt to disable the other by applying pressure to their nether regions ... in other words, their testicles. Weapons can not be used ... no baseball bats, tree branches, rolled up daily newspapers, umbrellas or Evian Water Bottles. The lunge must be made by the fist, elbow, shoulder, foot or knee. It is a one strike sport. The first contact must be the conquering blow and disable one of the combatants. Most times, Nut Cracking is seen to occur in the territory of one Male's outlying region of habitat. It has been sighted outside corporate offices during lunch hours and on weekends outside of saloons. Oft times activity outside of gay bars or night clubs can be mistaken for Nut Cracking ... especially if the head butt is used. Please be aware of the surroundings before viewing and then cheering on a "supposed" Nut Cracking match.

THE FUTURIST! was not informed whether Mr. Quin won the above pictured match or whether it was staged for his benefit. THE FUTURIST! did notice that Mr. Quin uses a deft right handed undercut to the other young man's privates accompanied by a facial expression of feral ferocity. One would assume that a growl or roar of intimidation was mated to his thrust. The young chap in blue is using the knee approach, but expert perusal shows that the leg joint doesn't seem to make impact with Mr. Quin's precious family jewels. It seems Quin halted impact with a very smart clenched knee block.

One would assume, then, that Mr. Quin was the vanquisher.
What a man! ... or Man/Child, in Mr. Quin's case.

NUT Cracking has yet to cross the Pond, as they call the Atlantic Ocean in Great Britain.

1 comment:

Dara said...

Sounds a lot like Roshambo! Thanks for the heads up, though. I was worried about the Glasgow Kiss, but this seems worse!