Friday, November 20, 2009

A Very Time Consuming Afternoon

The Amazing Frollo snoozes while
standing up ... like a Shetland Pony

Several weeks ago at an Oktoberfest festivity organized by Fleming Clamdish, a friend of THE FUTURIST!, The Amazing Frollo decided to entertain the party guests with a ditty on his concertina. As THE FUTURIST! has stated before, The Amazing Frollo is New Jersey's laziest magician ... perhaps even North America's laziest magician. This does not stop many from still gathering about to witness his latest public display of entertaining groups with the art of illusion and, finally, anti-climatic bungling. Having the constitution of a garden slug, The Amazing Frollo never accomplishes his goal of entertaining and creates a sort of abstract post-modern touch to his non-accomplishment. This is what entertains ... this is what creates an aura of impending doom that many await with delicious anticipation.

This Sunday afternoon, however, The Amazing Frollo did not offer to perform a feat of escape, card trickery or the extraction of a floppy eared rodent from a battered top hat. This day The Amazing Frollo merely wished to serenade the gathering with a tune on his concertina. He told those that formed a U-shaped audience around him that he would dazzle them all with an old Austrian folk song entitled "Ein Strudel Made for Mein Trudy" written by Heinz Dismembertoes (a German of dubious heritage and character). It did not take more than 6 squeezes on the instrument before The Amazing Frollo fell into a deep sleep. This was accomplished while he stood up straight with his head lowered and the air escaping from the concertina with a sound similar to that of a wheezing pheasant expiring in the brush from bird shot fired from a hunter's rifle. The crowd was ecstatic and applauded loudly.

"The Amazing Frollo never disappoints!" loudly jeered a party guest hoisting a Belgian brew.

"Hey, what if we throw peanuts or pretzel nuggets at him? Will he awaken?" yelled another.

There was quite a bit of blather about Frollo's inertia and several party snacks were eventually tossed. THE FUTURIST! thought he saw some sign of life as a peanut hit his cheek and fell to the pavement. The Amazing Frollo can be aroused from his slumber by food. Once he fell asleep in an Egyptian Mummy Case (made in Hackensack NJ), but was awakened by a stagehand eating a Reuben sandwich nearby. The smell wafted into the cracks of the case's opening and he stumbled out to reappear unshackled, but the audience had disappeared 20 minutes prior and he had no one to witness his first actual completed escape feat. Quite disheartening.

After failing to complete the concertina performance, THE FUTURIST! and haiku used a hand truck to roll the coma-like Amazing Frollo back to THE FUTURIST!'s home where they would deposit him near his automobile. This act of kindness turned into further disaster.

THE FUTURIST! left haiku alone with the lifeless Frollo and went into the house to prep a Sunday martini with Tribuno red vermouth. haiku, desiring to get out of the hot afternoon sun, rolled Frollo into the nearby garage. This was no ordinary garage. THE FUTURIST! has had in his possession for some time a device invented by Dr. Seussonoras known as The Time Tunnel Garage. It looks like this:

The Garage Time Tunnel (patent pending)

The Time Tunnel Garage is a time machine (patent pending) and is quite untested and a bit unreliable. THE FUTURIST! has told haiku to be very careful around and not to enter it if possible. Once THE FUTURIST! went in to get a garden rake and found himself in the sitting room of Oscar Wilde who was in the process of seducing a young gentleman in Burgundy jodhpurs. It was quite awkward. THE FUTURIST! returned post-haste after haiku flipped the Garage return light switch.

THE FUTURIST! has told haiku to be careful around the garage, however, wanting to get out of the hot sun, haiku rolled Frollo into the garage for shade and accidentally activated the garage door. This action made the time machine come to life and haiku and Frollo were transported into the past. THE FUTURIST! quickly ran out after hearing the commotion and rapidly flipped the return switch. The two friends returned, but some strange molecular time shifting anomaly had occurred and both haiku and The Amazing Frollo had returned as young children. This caused great consternation to THE FUTURIST! and haiku, but Frollo was still asleep.

THE FUTURIST! contacted Seussonoras Labs immediately. Dr. Seussonoras assured THE FUTURIST! that both Frollo and haiku could be brought back to their true ages, but he would get to solving this difficult problem after he finished eating a large Italian submarine sandwich and a several gherkin pickles; he was having lunch and you can't blame a man for wanting to enjoy his mid-day meal.

In the meantime, The Amazing Frollo claimed he had been transported to the Titanic and had been performing a water tank escape trick, but never finished his escape due to the ship hitting the fateful iceberg. This meant The Amazing Frollo was submerged in the cold Atlantic ocean waters trapped in a water tank. He was rescued later by some very perplexed Norwegians. He loves to reminiscence about his adventure.

The currently young Amazing Frollo
thinks back to his sea adventure

haiku claims he was transported to 1930s Kansas City and was taught guitar by a black jazz musician named Jug Mouth Landers. It seems he is now very adept at finger strumming. The currently pre-teen haiku beautifully performed a Burt Bacharach tune for THE FUTURIST!. It was delightful. Though often fraught with strange disasters, the sun shines, sometimes, in Utter Despair and some good ... comes from bad.


Anonymous said...
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Dara said...

Good stuff, young haiku. Of course, he learns from the best. Good, ol' Jug Mouth Landers.


haiku (young haiku) is a wonder on that guitar, isn't he? And he knew just the right son to play to cheer THE FUTURIST! up. THE FUTURIST! never heard of Jug Mouth Landers, but that is the unfortunate turn of events in history. The best are forgotten or never discovered.

kazu said...

"This caused great consternation to THE FUTURIST! and haiku, but Frollo was still asleep."

haha, that was my favorite line.