Saturday, January 31, 2009
THE DIVINE COMEDY blends the stylings of a Burt Bacharach with a sense of humor and sardonic wit. Listen to the lyrics and aurally experience a tale of attraction that leads to misery set to music. And please excuse the annoying introduction by the English TV host with the odd speech impediment.
OUR MUTUAL FRIEND
performed by The Divine Comedy
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Oh, THE FUTURIST! loves that tag line ... "Half Clad, All Bad!"
And now it might be time for a refreshing pork product sandwich:
And now our feature ... time for some heavy petting!
SERVICE WITH A SMILE (1934)
dir: Roy Mack
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
A big plus was that the figure came with a beautifully designed replica of the shabby small living quarters of Van Gogh. THE FUTURIST! can recreate the artist's miserable life of delusion and sadness; complete with sweat stained bedsheets, paint spattered floor and curtains and small plastic bottles of wine to be inserted into his plastic hands. This delightful figure can play act different states of drunkenness. Small chairs, a table and teeny weeny vases and plates can be tossed about in a weeping blinding psychotic rage, while THE FUTURIST! replicates sound effects of Van Gogh's woe. "Aaaargh! I HATE MYSELF!!! No one loves me!! My world is crumbling about me! I WANT TO DIIIIIEEE!!!!"
Hopefully, haiku will not walk in on this scene of emotional transference.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
"As Charles Foster Kane applauded the performance of his paramour Susan, his mind strayed from the realization of the embarrassing debacle of her stage debut ... instead, he thought of THE FUTURIST! and the knowledge that THE FUTURIST!, in Utter Despair, N.J., was using a scene from a very stressful moment in his life as a humorous blog post. He saw, in his mind's eye, THE FUTURIST! smugly composing this ridicule on the Internet for a cheap laugh; and with every breath, every heartbeat, Kane contemplated how he would crush THE FUTURIST! with all the might of his corrupt tyrannical empire. Even though he was a mere celluloid image, Kane would make THE FUTURIST!'s life a living nightmare."
- from Herman J. Mankiewicz'
Entirely Made Up Lost RKO
Script of CITIZEN KANE
by Walter Klosspeck
Copyright 1973 - Wisteria Press
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
There could be many causes for this disruption
in his sleeping pattern; stress, sadness, a change
in his biorhythms or even the Swiss cheese and farm
fresh ham sandwich with German mustard he ate.
Whatever the case, this may be the cure, if it persists ...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Seussonoras Labs have provided THE FUTURIST! with many inventions and time saving devices. There has been The Toaster Glove Compartment, The Bed Spread Self-Spreader, The Bird Bath Whirlpool, The Doppelganger Radar Detector and many more. Recently, THE FUTURIST! received the product (shown above) from Dr. Seussonoras. THE FUTURIST! was baffled as to what it was and why he had received it. He immediately asked haiku if he had ordered it. haiku related he only orders from the Criterion Collection online and from not mad scientists in Michigan. So, immediately a letter was sent to Seussonoras Labs :
"Dearest Doctor ...
hakiu recently unwrapped an odd instrument of sorts sent to THE FUTURIST!'s address. It resembles a ray gun, hand-held heating coil or medieval bug zapper. What is this? (photo enclosed) Please respond. .
then this response came by text message from Dr. Seussonoras:
"TO THE FUTURIST! !!
Object sent was in error! That device was actually included in the original run of the Sex Closet back in '92. It turned out that my minions forgot to put instructions in the package and consumers ended up sawing their genitalia off accidentally.
I also forgot to place instructions in your package.
DEAR GOD! DON'T USE IT!
AS always, you are a bright beacon of truth in a dark tunnel of horrible lies, Futurist! I will have to speak to my PR team about this debacle."
Dr. S. Seussonoras
then back to The Doctor:
"Doctor, thank you for the warning. The device went no where near any genitalia. We were baffled by its use ... but, once switched on, we heard a whirring noise and experimented. It proved to cut roasted pork loin magnificently and even mixed a pitcher of martinis. However, our lovely neighbor Miss Angela Deppler, 2nd grade teacher and 1st class vixen, asked to borrow it for a wedding shower party this Friday. We assumed she'd use it as a mixer, but ... oh ... do you think she may think its a "stimulating" mechanism for frisky naughty girl activities, which occur at these events? Doctor ... if so ... THERE WILL BE BLOOD!!!"
"My lawyers have been contacted in case this minx that lives next door to you sues for damages. Hopefully, it was just used for Bloody Marys and mixing Cosmos ... possibly a tasty chip dip. Personally, WE prefer Paul Newman Salsa here at The Labs for our chips. Hope all is well."
Wearing no pants,
Dr. S. Seussonoras
Luckily no one was hurt.
Another mystery solved!!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
THE FUTURIST! always thought McGoohan appeared so clever, so cultured and had this great articulate speaking voice. Each word, every syllable honed like a razor sharp weapon. He had an explosive anger, when displayed, and a sly smile when he knew he had the best of you. THE FUTURIST! remembers him most of all from his appearances on the detective show Columbo. He guest starred 3 times, and won an Emmy twice, as a a murderer who matched wits with Peter Falk's rumpled sleuth. He appeared as a decorated Colonel who was the dean of a boys' military school, a secret C.I.A. operative and a mortuary owner; each one a killer who thinks he has the upper hand until Lt. Columbo appears to play cat and mouse. The Columbo series was superlative in script and acting, but was always classier with Mr. McGoohan guest starring. One could even see Peter Falk enjoying each minute of the mystery even more when sharing a scene with Mr. McGoohan.
Mr. Goohan made a very eccentric impression on THE YOUNG FUTURIST! a long time ago. THE FUTURIST! remembers watching this grand long spy thriller set on a submarine on a secret mission to the Arctic or some cold cold frigid locale. The movie was Ice Station Zebra and it bares distinction for being, supposedly, Howard Hughes' favorite film. He was rumored to have watched it endlessly in his Las Vegas hotel room in his old age. THE FUTURIST! does not know why Hughes found it so fascinating, but he does know that one scene did make an impression on the young mind of THE FUTURIST! There is a tense scene in the stateroom of the sub's commander, who is played by Rock Hudson.
THE FUTURIST! presents the trailer to Ice Station Zebra ...
A brief moment of the Big Tea Cup scene appears at approx. 53 seconds into the trailer.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Today THE FUTURIST! was going to write about how he spent his Golden Globe Sunday Night. However, THE FUTURIST! is quite fatigued and needed to rest for a bit ... just lay back and calm his nerves. On his way back to his abode he was intimidated and chased by a gang of hooligans that have been terrorizing the neighborhood. Going by the name The Well Coordinated Boys, this band of young troublemakers have been hanging around parking lots and street corners; mostly near The Utter Despair Men's Haberdashery. THE FUTURIST! heard of the terror they engender; how they taunt pedestrians about their poor choice in apparel and haircuts. Today, THE FUTURIST! escaped with his wits still intact, but was very shaken. As he got out of his car, The Boys noticed THE FUTURIST! was wearing one gray sock and one black. The leader of the gang yelled out, "Hey, Hosiery Helen Keller!!" It startled THE FUTURIST! and he immediately knew what it was in reference to ... he had noticed, after dressing and already on his travels that he had made a sock pairing faux pas. THE FUTURIST! turned and saw the brigands. They laughed and jeered and adjusted their French Cuffs; a sure sign of impending danger. He hoped they did not notice that he had not polished his shoes today. He gathered his wits and scurried away to his front door. He inserted his key and ran into his foyer. A gasp left him ... and he breathed with rapidity. Only yesterday The Well-Coordinated Boys had insulted his neighbor Nathan Lepus because he was wearing black shoes and a brown belt. There was an ugly altercation last September when The Boys had surrounded a man's car and berated him for wearing white shorts after Labor Day had ended. That man was hospitalized for a week with a mild cardiac attack. The Boys are bullies and a true menace to Utter Despair. THE FUTURIST! must relax and prepare a scathing letter to the local paper demanding a police crackdown on these creatures! Later, THE FUTURIST! will lay out a perfectly coordinated suit, tie and shirt for tomorrow. He must play it safe. It's a dangerous world out there.
Such noise! Egads!
Last week haiku found a very nice
Louis XVI hassock that was tossed out
the "girls" window during a melee.
It is now situated in THE FUTURIST!'s
living room adorned by a stack of
Film Comment magazines.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
your heart rate cease. The brain becomes a half gallon
Friday, January 9, 2009
One day THE YOUNG FUTURIST! accidentally happened upon Aunt Vespa in the family powder room. Sudden surprise and a gasp ensued due to the fact THE YOUNG FUTURIST! (merely 8 yrs old at the time) had realized the bathroom was occupied ... more shock when he realized it was Aunt Vespa ... and then ... near blackout when he witnessed Aunt Vespa using the facilities while standing. Yes ... Aunt Vespa was actually a man. Of course, questions ensued and THE YOUNG FUTURIST!'s parents just brushed it off and bought THE YOUNG FUTURIST! some gifts. His father even offered him a Roy Rogers Mocktail sweetened with some bourbon. His Dad said, "Kid, it always helps a little and it can't hurt you now, especially after that matinee you just had!" Answers were never forthcoming and the matter was dropped. Never again was it mentioned that Aunt Vespa kept the seat up.
The mystery of Aunt Vespa was brought to mind recently. THE FUTURIST! was cleaning out some items in his bathroom and found a box that was shoved in the back of his toiletries cabinet. It was a gift Aunt Vespa gave him as Christmas gift a long time ago. A bottle of a very pungent cologne called MANDOM. He remembered Aunt Vespa beamed as THE TEENAGE FUTURIST! had opened the present. "Eddie uses that alluring elixir, darling! He does!! It's a magnet of machismo and you are a real man, now," she said as she winked at Eddie. She, then, adjusted the positioning of her hair. It was slightly askew due to her throwing back her head to gulp down glasses of "adult" egg nog.
Yes, MANDOM. THE FUTURIST!, through his capabilities of searching out the arcane and strange, has found old commercials for the product. He has posted them here for you to peruse. The manly pre-Death Wish Charles Bronson seemed to be the central huckster of this product.
This one is THE FUTURIST!'s favorite. It has excessive phallic symbolism.
And obviously, MANDOM would enable THE FUTURIST! to capture stream trout with his bare hands!
Here is the more sensitive MANDOM commercial. Perhaps, it was intended for Father's Day; though THE FUTURIST! never recalls acting this way with his father. But ... he does recall Aunt Vespa acting out these type of shenanigans with Eddie ... hmmm.
Mmmmmm .... MANDOM!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
As he walked at a Dutch Angle to the door of his abode, he noticed that his next door neighbor, Miss Angela Deppler, had had her trash can knocked over by the wintry gusts. THE FUTURIST! is known to be very neighborly to Miss Deppler. She is a young woman in her twenty-somethings who is polite, soft spoken, always genial and practices Pilate's, yoga and other body toning regimens clad in the most skimpy of undergarments and, oft times, naked, but at an angle of a PG-13 nature, in her bedroom window. The perfect neighbor.
Miss Deppler is a 2nd Grade teacher at August Strindberg Elementary and lives alone. She once, dressed in her tennis outfit, very perspired and showing off her attributes much like the showcase window of Tiffany's, asked haiku if he could bring in her mail and daily newspaper while she was spending her vacation at Easter Island. He acquiesced and took a tumble into the azaleas, lost his favorite fountain pen and frightened a squirrel who then bit his right pinkie. THE FUTURIST! rushed him to a physician. As he was being administered varied hypodermics of oddly colored serums, haiku kept muttering, "Miss Deppler spoke to me. She spoke to me. She ... she ... spo- " and he fainted. After haiku's 5th abdominal injection, THE FUTURIST! passed out, as well.
This day, however, there was no chance of fainting to the ground. If THE FUTURIST! had succumbed to a spell of vapors, he would never have hit the macadam. The forceful winds would have kept his unconscious body hovering above the terra firma and would carry him away. He noticed Miss Deppler's overturned trash receptacle and walked over to put it in an upright position. It was his way of being a good neighbor. Of course, the trash can was on the side of her bedroom window wherein THE FUTURIST! knew she practiced her art of free-spirited calisthenics. Perhaps, she was home? Perhaps, she was feeling the need for stretching? THE FUTURIST! lifted the can to a standing position and saw that some debris had fallen out. He gingerly, since he is germ conscious, picked up the garbage and threw it back into the can. As he performed this action, he noticed a large green rubber surgical glove hanging out of the can. It had something written on its palm....
THE FUTURIST! promptly fainted. The wind carried his unconscious body half a block. In a very cramped awkward position, he awoke in the runaway empty baby stroller that had passed him earlier. A low decibel grow came from underneath his lower back and he felt a wriggling sensation and his overcoat being gnawed. He took out his cell and dialed Tito's owner.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
A Brief Word from The Management:
Today's Less Then 10 Minute Matinee:
THE KID FROM SPAIN (1932)
directed by Leo McCarey
THE FUTURIST! just loves dirty old Pre-Code Hollywood.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Now, in regards to one third of the trio, John Lichman, the currently unemployed free lance film writer, who is drinking too much and entering Malcolm Lowry territory (J.L. is looking for the Brooklyn equivalent of the bar in Under the Volcano), THE FUTURIST! would like to direct your attention to his column on SpoutBlog. Recently he posted this fascinating video of a younger Stephen Spielberg being interviewed by Andy Warhol and Bianca Jagger in a hotel room on a bed. Please watch this and wonder if Mr. Spielberg was not slipped an E.T. (Extra Transporting) hallucinogenic by Andy. If only Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Shia LeBeouf was this intriguing.
Thank you, John Lichman, for finding this video.
And thank you for following THE FUTURIST!'s blog.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Though, nothing seems to fit.
His insurance only covers so much.
she always "finds" more trouble.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
finds himself home on a Saturday night.
When he does find himself in this situation;
comfortable on his sofa, in relaxing clothes and
stretching out his argyle socked feet, he will pour
himself a delicious glass of Miyazaki
(that's Japanese for wine with a tasteful
animated quality on the palate)
and will listen to a record in his vast collection.
Tonight: A CHILD'S CRY.
Perfect! The Stress is about to ebb away.
who is an admirer of the English language and its usage.
that accompany a Manhattan, Dry Martini,
Rob Roy or Jameson on the Rocks a la Moroney.
This is one in the fabulous series that features a quote
from Hamlet, Act 1 Scene V
and he is part owner of
THE BAR OF AVON located in Ennui, N.J.
Friday, January 2, 2009
THE FUTURIST! is fascinated to know people like this exist. Did you see their energy, their over exuberant sense of ecstatic phoniness? And that song is called "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" Hmmmm ... they don't feel like dancing, yet they are and doing so in the manner of people injected with the most potent form of liquid cocaine and vast amounts of VERY BOLD Ethiopian Shade Tree Coffee. Amazing. THE FUTURIST! asked haiku, his dear friend and faithful factotum, if he ever acted like this in his life. haiku merely replied in a monotone manner, "FUTURIST! I am not crazy." THE FUTURIST! concurs with that statement. haiku is not crazy. But, does haiku ever FEEL like that? After watching this THE FUTURIST! realized that if he did not feel like dancing, he would not dance in such a manic manner to express his desire not to dance. He doesn't dance anyway. And he never has felt how these people appear to feel or want us to believe how they supposedly feel. Inside THE FUTURIST! there is a stirring to dance like that ... to show that much joy, but, hopefully, not appear so ... phony. So, he won't dance, except, maybe, in his mind when he is staring out the window adjusting his necktie or day dreaming while trying to think of a 10 letter word for "sadness" to answer clue 4 Down in the daily newspaper crossword puzzle.