Friday, January 9, 2009


THE FUTURIST!'s Aunt Vespa is not actually his actual aunt or any type of blood relation. Since he was THE YOUNG FUTURIST!, Aunt Vespa had appeared at family gatherings and birthday parties and seemed accepted by all; though there was talk afterward. Who was she? What tie did she have to the family? Why did THE FUTURIST!'s father drink heavily and mutter curse words in the basement after Aunt Vespa left with her young male companion Eddie ... why did his mother seem to always break a dinner plate or sob behind the pantry door after a Vespa visit? It was all a mystery ... until one day.

One day THE YOUNG FUTURIST! accidentally happened upon Aunt Vespa in the family powder room. Sudden surprise and a gasp ensued due to the fact THE YOUNG FUTURIST! (merely 8 yrs old at the time) had realized the bathroom was occupied ... more shock when he realized it was Aunt Vespa ... and then ... near blackout when he witnessed Aunt Vespa using the facilities while standing. Yes ... Aunt Vespa was actually a man. Of course, questions ensued and THE YOUNG FUTURIST!'s parents just brushed it off and bought THE YOUNG FUTURIST! some gifts. His father even offered him a Roy Rogers Mocktail sweetened with some bourbon. His Dad said, "Kid, it always helps a little and it can't hurt you now, especially after that matinee you just had!" Answers were never forthcoming and the matter was dropped. Never again was it mentioned that Aunt Vespa kept the seat up.

The mystery of Aunt Vespa was brought to mind recently. THE FUTURIST! was cleaning out some items in his bathroom and found a box that was shoved in the back of his toiletries cabinet. It was a gift Aunt Vespa gave him as Christmas gift a long time ago. A bottle of a very pungent cologne called MANDOM. He remembered Aunt Vespa beamed as THE TEENAGE FUTURIST! had opened the present. "Eddie uses that alluring elixir, darling! He does!! It's a magnet of machismo and you are a real man, now," she said as she winked at Eddie. She, then, adjusted the positioning of her hair. It was slightly askew due to her throwing back her head to gulp down glasses of "adult" egg nog.

Yes, MANDOM. THE FUTURIST!, through his capabilities of searching out the arcane and strange, has found old commercials for the product. He has posted them here for you to peruse. The manly pre-Death Wish Charles Bronson seemed to be the central huckster of this product.

This one is THE FUTURIST!'s favorite. It has excessive phallic symbolism.

And obviously, MANDOM would enable THE FUTURIST! to capture stream trout with his bare hands!

Here is the more sensitive MANDOM commercial. Perhaps, it was intended for Father's Day; though THE FUTURIST! never recalls acting this way with his father. But ... he does recall Aunt Vespa acting out these type of shenanigans with Eddie ... hmmm.

Mmmmmm .... MANDOM!


kazu said...

Aunt Vespa sounds like a character one would find in an Almodovar movie. Perhaps haiku would even draw comparisons with Aunt Vespa and Fassbinder's IN A YEAR WITH 13 MOONS, though I would be more concerned with why my people make such silly commercials if I were him.


Aunt Vespa always thought of herself as a character in a George Cukor film. She did like to think of herself as Rosalind Russell in Auntie Mame, too. haiku doesn't seem too concerned by Japanese silly commercials. He is too preoccupied with trying to get WALL-E registered with The Library of Congress' list of saved films. THE FUTURIST! refuses to sign the petition.

Anonymous said...

Excellent story! It certainly gave me a giggle, sitting at home feeling sorry for myself with a killer dose of the flu. - Claire