A Word from Tab Hunter

THE FUTURIST!'s father had this short filmed message, by closeted film heartthrob Tab Hunter, shown before ALL family home movies featuring THE FUTURIST!'s Aunt Vespa.

Gogh and Be Happy

THE FUTURIST! received this Vincent Van Gogh Action Figure as a late holiday gift from Aunt Vespa. It came by Postal Messenger with a return address stating that it originated in Amsterdam. Aunt Vespa must be haunting the canals of Holland, eating Edam Cheese and, perhaps, smelling tulips. She does love botany. As you can see, the action figure comes with an easel, several miniature faux masterpieces depicting different states of clinically diagnosed depression in his boldly colored visual style. Van Gogh's head can be detached for different states of hirsute appearance. Of course, his ear is detachable, too ... it was mislaid earlier this morning and somehow appeared in THE FUTURIST!'s bowl of Turkey Broth and Orzo Pasta; thankfully it was not masticated or digested.


A big plus was that the figure came with a beautifully designed replica of the shabby small living quarters of Van Gogh. THE FUTURIST! can recreate the artist's miserable life of delusion and sadness; complete with sweat stained bedsheets, paint spattered floor and curtains and small plastic bottles of wine to be inserted into his plastic hands. This delightful figure can play act different states of drunkenness. Small chairs, a table and teeny weeny vases and plates can be tossed about in a weeping blinding psychotic rage, while THE FUTURIST! replicates sound effects of Van Gogh's woe. "Aaaargh! I HATE MYSELF!!! No one loves me!! My world is crumbling about me! I WANT TO DIIIIIEEE!!!!"

Hopefully, haiku will not walk in on this scene of emotional transference.

MANDOM

THE FUTURIST!'s Aunt Vespa is not actually his actual aunt or any type of blood relation. Since he was THE YOUNG FUTURIST!, Aunt Vespa had appeared at family gatherings and birthday parties and seemed accepted by all; though there was talk afterward. Who was she? What tie did she have to the family? Why did THE FUTURIST!'s father drink heavily and mutter curse words in the basement after Aunt Vespa left with her young male companion Eddie ... why did his mother seem to always break a dinner plate or sob behind the pantry door after a Vespa visit? It was all a mystery ... until one day.

One day THE YOUNG FUTURIST! accidentally happened upon Aunt Vespa in the family powder room. Sudden surprise and a gasp ensued due to the fact THE YOUNG FUTURIST! (merely 8 yrs old at the time) had realized the bathroom was occupied ... more shock when he realized it was Aunt Vespa ... and then ... near blackout when he witnessed Aunt Vespa using the facilities while standing. Yes ... Aunt Vespa was actually a man. Of course, questions ensued and THE YOUNG FUTURIST!'s parents just brushed it off and bought THE YOUNG FUTURIST! some gifts. His father even offered him a Roy Rogers Mocktail sweetened with some bourbon. His Dad said, "Kid, it always helps a little and it can't hurt you now, especially after that matinee you just had!" Answers were never forthcoming and the matter was dropped. Never again was it mentioned that Aunt Vespa kept the seat up.

The mystery of Aunt Vespa was brought to mind recently. THE FUTURIST! was cleaning out some items in his bathroom and found a box that was shoved in the back of his toiletries cabinet. It was a gift Aunt Vespa gave him as Christmas gift a long time ago. A bottle of a very pungent cologne called MANDOM. He remembered Aunt Vespa beamed as THE TEENAGE FUTURIST! had opened the present. "Eddie uses that alluring elixir, darling! He does!! It's a magnet of machismo and you are a real man, now," she said as she winked at Eddie. She, then, adjusted the positioning of her hair. It was slightly askew due to her throwing back her head to gulp down glasses of "adult" egg nog.

Yes, MANDOM. THE FUTURIST!, through his capabilities of searching out the arcane and strange, has found old commercials for the product. He has posted them here for you to peruse. The manly pre-Death Wish Charles Bronson seemed to be the central huckster of this product.

This one is THE FUTURIST!'s favorite. It has excessive phallic symbolism.



And obviously, MANDOM would enable THE FUTURIST! to capture stream trout with his bare hands!



Here is the more sensitive MANDOM commercial. Perhaps, it was intended for Father's Day; though THE FUTURIST! never recalls acting this way with his father. But ... he does recall Aunt Vespa acting out these type of shenanigans with Eddie ... hmmm.



Mmmmmm .... MANDOM!