John Lichman's Voice Calms THE FUTURIST!

John Lichman (online producer for The Rotten Tomatoes Movie Show on Current TV) explains how to join the online movie groups for Current/Rotten Tomatoes. This video is done with subtle comic ineptitude, but THE FUTURIST! doesn't care ... Lichman's voice reminds THE FUTURIST! of Linus in the PEANUTS TV shows; one can imagine this voice trying to reason with a psychotic Lucy over his stolen blanket or explaining Jesus' birth to Charlie Brown. It's a calming voice ... it made THE FUTURIST! (after he played it 17 times) take the plastic dry cleaning bag from his head.

Also, after actually seeing John Lichman, THE FUTURIST! feels Lichman
has a silent comic Harry Langdon aura about him...

HARRY LANGDON

Werner Herzog Remakes

Recently, THE FUTURIST! was involved in a whirlwind of craziness on the social networking site TWITTER. John Lichman, online producer of the Current TV Rotten Tomatoes Show, posted the new trailer to the remake of Bad Lieutenant by Werner Herzog. The trailer is incredibly mind boggling in its acting, dialogue and potential storyline. This prompted Lichman to begin an inspired, yet insane, mission to start creating ideas for Werner Herzog remakes and posting them in the required 140 characters or less on TWITTER. If you are able to create enough posts using a certain topic, it can become a Top 10 trending topic, which is then posted on the right of the screen for all "Tweeters" to see. Most trending topics are references to the Jonas Brothers, Jimmy Fallon, American Idol, OMGILOVEGOSSIPGIRL and Swine Flu. Getting wernerherzogremakes to the point of being a trending topic seemed so insane, so funny, so anti-Twitter ... therefore it had to be done. THE FUTURIST! participated and below are some of his contributions. A knowledge of Mr. Herzog (director of Grizzly Man, Fitzcarraldo, Encounters at the End of the World and more), his films and themes and his frequent use of actor Klaus Kinski helps you understand the satire ... otherwise you may be lost. Of course, as most quests for happiness conclude, wernerherzogremakes never became a trending topic and the mission was a failure.

As an added bonus, THE FUTURIST! includes (at bottom) a video of Herzog being shot by a sniper during an interview.

WERNER HERZOG REMAKES

THE GOLD RUSH: Herzog eats shoe in snowbound cabin. Errol Morris interviews him & envisions Herzog as giant chicken.

HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE Nastassja Kinski as Pop Singer Schizophrenic. Has sex with father Klaus Kinski & square dances.

GRIZZLY MANHATTAN: Neurotic NYer beset by shallow friends, ex-wife, criticized for affair with bear. Bear kills everyone.

MONKEYS ON A PLANE: Herzog unleashes 100 squirrel monkeys on jet liner after takeoff. Films resulting melee & narrates.

DER FLEIDERMAUS RETURNS: Depressed super hero battles suicidal insane Penguin. Both walk off into snowy void of doom.

MY DINNER WITH KLAUS: Herzog films dining in restaurant with Kinski. Talk of life, philosophy, God, suicide, murder.

DER SIEBEN SAMURAI: 7 Asian dwarves ride into small western town, throw excrement, curse and spit.

THE MUZAK MAN: Con Man Kinski comes to Midwest American town selling music lessons. He sings, dances & rapes librarian.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM EINS, ZWEI, DREI: Herzog films actual hijacking of NYC subway car just for fun ... no ransom.

MR. FRAU: Kinski tries to handle family stay at home chores while wife Teri Garr works. Their children flee screaming.

THE OSCAR: Herzog strangles Philippe Petit with trapeze wire after losing Oscar for Best Doc. Elke Sommer cameos

KINSKI VS KINSKI: Klaus Kinski sues himself for custody of his sanity. Sanity played by dwarf resembling Justin Henry

GREY GARDENS: Doc. of Herzog & Kinski in house dresses & sun bonnets living in Long Island house. Murder attempts ensue.

LITTLE DIETER NEEDS TO FLY DOWN TO RIO: Soldier imprisoned by Viet Cong attempts to stage musical number on plane wings

JAWSZECK: Insane German actor terrorizes New England beach community by biting vacationers.

STROSHREK: Ogre travels to America with talking donkey, moves into trailer home, works as mechanic & gets disillusioned

MR. KINSKI BUILDS HIS DREAM HOUSE: German business executive tries to erect suburban cape cod in Amazon jungle.

NOSFERATOOTSIE: Vampire dresses in drag for role on German soap opera.

AGUIRRE THE WRATH OF OH, GOD! Spanish conquistador travels down Amazon on raft with George Burns and 65 squirrel monkeys.

THE ENIGMA OF DOOGIE HAUSER, M.D. Adolescent doctor arrives in city hospital, cannot speak, stand erect or bill medicare.

GRIZZLY MAN FOR ALL SEASONS: Sir Thomas Moore loses head after getting too close, then not agreeing with King of Bears.

Top 5 Films of Utter Despair

THE FUTURIST! was a sad person before he lost most of his hair.
Now, he's even more melancholy.

THE FUTURIST! was recently asked by John Lichman of Current TV (home of The Rotten Tomatoes Movie Show) to compose a Top 5 List of films of any genre or theme. Mr. Lichman is the show's on-line producer and helms the Current TV Movies Blog. He adds things of cinematic interest to the blog daily with his comedic word play, eye for silly visuals and oft times black sense of humor. Last week he instituted this Top 5 Film list with his first contributor - Glenn Kenny, film critic and the "Sydney Greenstreet" of movie blogging. It was quite an honor and a surprise to receive an email from John Lichman asking THE FUTURIST! to be the 2nd person to construct a list.

After much head scratching and conferences with haiku and The Amazing Frollo (a very lazy acquaintance of THE FUTURIST!), a decision was made. THE FUTURIST! would construct a list of his favorite Top 5 Films of Utter Despair. It's a very international list of great taste and deep sorrow; two of the films have their settings in places with lots of deep, perpetual snow and grey skies, one is in 1930s Los Angeles, one in feudal Japan and another involves depressed neurotic New Yorkers and suicide.

Please enjoy click on the highlighted text above and hopefully you shall enjoy it.

THE FUTURIST! thanks John Lichman for his consideration of THE FUTURIST! in contributing to this series of weekly lists. He has made THE FUTURIST! very happy ... momentarily very happy.

THE FUTURIST!'s 3 Seconds of 3 Word Fame

AS stated in a previous post, The Rotten Tomatoes Show on Current TV has a segment that features 3 word reviews on the Top 5 money making films of the week. THE FUTURIST! lamented, in his post, that his submission for the film Taken was not accepted as one of the chosen. This past week, THE FUTURIST! was quite nonplussed to find that his 3 word masterpiece was accepted and aired on the second episode. The Rotten Tomatoes Show has wonderfully posted this portion of the show on YouTube. Of course, you should watch the whole show to feel the suspense of an impending 3 word review by THE FUTURIST! Again, thank you to The House Next Door's John Lichman for advancing THE FUTURIST!'s bit of humor to the The RT Show's staff of writers.

* Please be prepared , if you are easily flustered. The clip begins with a non-sequitar regarding Dr. Manhattan's glowing blue penis. Then, another reference to the gland is again inserted (so to speak) into the clip. Just a head's up (so to speak ... again).

Tomato Puree

Using the new invention of Twitter (a form of communication similar to the telegraph in the early days communication, except, with Twitter, you can impart information of incredible insignificance to anyone that follows your "tweets". ex: for instance, imagine this message tapped out in the late 1800s - "1st National Bank robbed (stop) presumed to be The James Gang (stop) approximately $20,000 stolen from safe (stop) also, had tasty ham sandwich for lunch (stop) mustard, no pickle) THE FUTURIST! has been in communication with John Lichman, freelance film writer and human distillery. Lichman is leaving this land of seasonal depression for the land of sun and smiles that only cloak non-seasonal depression. His departure is due to his joining the staff of Current TV's Rotten Tomatoes Show.

The show's hosts, Brett Erlich and Ellen Fox, provide snappy rapid Hawksian verbal quips and playful banter about the films in review. The show, also, requires the participation of the audience to contribute web-cam reviews and three-word reviews of films in discussion. The premiere episode provided three films in review that allowed the hosts to legitimately critically opine, but, also, insert comical asides, jabs and rabbit punches. THE FUTURIST! found the show to move very fast, maybe too fast, and the sounds and effects interspersed reminded him of those cable news shows that have sound effects and graphics that whoosh and boom and sweep across the screen to herald a story about a snow storm warning. The web-cam reviews were annoying. Understandably, Rotten Tomatoes relies on the Internet audience to rate films a la their TomatoMeter, but seeing those mugs shoved in front of their web-cams trying to be funny and think they are getting their "star turn" was a waste of time. Do we care what some guy, leaning into his computer screen, described as "comedian" feels about Street Fighter II, especially when what he feels is actually some supposed hilarious lines he wrote to impress us with how funny he is? No. No. No. THE FUTURIST! would rather take the more appealingly presented hosts (nice hair, Ellen Fox. Don't shed that 3 day growth, Brett Erlich, and fine tilting of the head in a sardonic manner) who are well-made up by the Current TV make-up department and now how to read and impart smart comedy.

The sidebar topic presented on films derived from video games was entertaining. The presentation was full of fact and funny. Whoever wrote this segment knows their video games and their insane film incarnations. One would think Lichman was already a staff writer. Ellen Fox's segment on the Top Five Conspiracy films gave us several films from the paranoid cinematic 70s and she knew her stuff. THE FUTURIST! loves a woman who knows The Parallax View and who, also, reports her guilty pleasure film from behind a garbage dumpster; a visually ironic delight.

Then there is the three word review segment. This is a feature THE FUTURIST!, himself, tried to contribute. Yes, he tried. He provided many tri-grouped bits of attempted comedy and tweeted them directly to Lichman. Oh, he was pleased. He especially was in awe of THE FUTURIST!'s entry on Taken. The review was "Schindler's Hit List". It did not air. What about his 3 words on The International? ... "Owen Money Back"? Nada. No cigar. Could this color THE FUTURIST!'s critical eye of The Rotten Tomatoes Show? Never. THE FUTURIST! is a better man than that and will watch this show again. And he wishes the best of luck to Mr. John Lichman. Knowing his humor and interests, THE FUTURIST! expects the show to be even better. Three Word Review? "Lichman make better" and the review after the show's work is done for the day? "Lichman will drink."

Close Encounter of the Warhol Kind

THE FUTURIST! regularly listens to the HND@Grassroots podcast featured on an irregular basis on The House Next Door blog. It is hosted by John Lichman, Vadim Rizov and Keith Uhlich. The trio entertain and question guest indie movie makers and film critics, drink excessively, taunt each other and use the word "didactic" a lot. They represent, to THE FUTURIST!, his theory of The Disney Buddy Plot Equation; that being, for a good tale you need the equivalent of Mickey, Donald and Goofy as your central characters. They define the three aspects of the human psyche. In this case, Vadim is the Donald, Keith the Mickey and John the Goofy; as well as animatedly inebriated. This is by no means to demean them, of course. Sometimes the identities shift a bit. John Lichman has, of recent note, slowly shifted into a very bitter Donald with still a hint of Goofy. Vadim is is the darkest of Donalds (he would be a very black mallard) and Keith is Mickey with an ascot and loves his Henry James and Terrence Malick more than he does Minnie. Well, in his case, he isn't into Minnie at all. Anywho, THE FUTURIST! wants the trio to know that he writes all of the former descriptions with love and admiration. They are all interesting and very intelligent men and entertain THE FUTURIST! very much. There is a "snob" factor to the podcast, but THE FUTURIST! loves a really entertaining snob. Especially, a snob that doesn't really know he is a snob and doesn't make you feel small. And that is how he feels about Lichman, Rizov and Uhlich. Oh, that is unless you say anything bad about the latest Indiana Jones installment; then, Keith Uhlich will attack with full polysyllabic force and slice your spleen out with a Tiffany Sterling Silver Melon Spoon.

Now, in regards to one third of the trio, John Lichman, the currently unemployed free lance film writer, who is drinking too much and entering Malcolm Lowry territory (J.L. is looking for the Brooklyn equivalent of the bar in Under the Volcano), THE FUTURIST! would like to direct your attention to his column on SpoutBlog. Recently he posted this fascinating video of a younger Stephen Spielberg being interviewed by Andy Warhol and Bianca Jagger in a hotel room on a bed. Please watch this and wonder if Mr. Spielberg was not slipped an E.T. (Extra Transporting) hallucinogenic by Andy. If only Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Shia LeBeouf was this intriguing.




Thank you, John Lichman, for finding this video.
And thank you for following THE FUTURIST!'s blog.