THE FUTURIST! doesn't dance. Unless he is truly inebriated. THE FUTURIST! doesn't sing. Unless he is truly inebriated. Of course, the dancing and singing, in the inebriated status, can't be truly defined as dancing and singing in the true definition of dancing and singing. It would be a form of warbling and physical gyration that represented the "idea" of dancing and singing induced by manic joy. But, isn't that still fun?
THE FUTURIST! has expressed musical joy, as related in this post of almost a year ago (CLICK HERE!)
Though, not entirely under the influence of two 3 olive martinis, THE FUTURIST! recalls his being dared to perform karaoke at The Third Man Cinema Pub. Attendance that evening was somewhat light, most likely due to it being Charles Grodin Night. Not everyone is a fan of the dry comedic actor, sadly.
Late that evening, THE FUTURIST! took to the small stage dressed in his favorite charcoal gray suit, white shirt, pin-striped pink tie and saddle shoes. Fleming Clamdish, THE FUTURIST!'s friend had just performed a rendition of YOUR SONG by Elton John. THE FUTURIST! prodded by his aide de camp haiku and Clamdish selected the song below first performed by The Go-Gos. The version you will hear below is performed in a more sinister, less energetic manner than the feisty hyper energetic 80s females and their cherubic lead singer. This cover version is perfect for a non-singing voice laced with sadness and regret. Oh, and there is a nice cello musical injection included. Always a plus. (By the way, look at that singer's hair. Imagine losing your house key in that hedge-like brush top? You would be searching for hours)
This version fit THE FUTURIST! perfectly ... as perfect as a nattily tightened bow tie, pin stripe suspenders and argyle sweater vest. Imagine, if you will, THE FUTURIST! standing stage center with the blue tinged aura of The Third Man Cinema Pub spotlight bathing his thin inert frame as you ...
THE FUTURIST! received this email the other day in his exclusive secret THE FUTURIST! Gmail Inbox. Actually, it obviously isn't so secret. Anywho, read the text and enjoy. It is quite to boost to THE FUTURIST!'s often bruised ego. Gentle Reader, this email is REAL. It is not a fabrication.
Hi There,
I just wanted to shoot you a quick email about a local film blogger meetup that's happening on September 26th. The event is for Indieflix, a revolutionary distribution company whose main goal is to empower independent filmmakers. They'll be showing four indie films in Times Square as part of a game we are developing called Film Festival In A Box where you watch 4 short films, deliberate, then vote on your favorite. It will be followed by a blogger afterparty for local NY film blogs and other members of the media. In addition to free drinks and food, the Indieflix CEO Scilla Andreen -- award winning producer and Emmy nominated costume designer -- will be there to talk and meet everyone.
We're inviting you to this event becauseit would be an honor to have a representative of The Futurist! in attendance. I am aware that you are both a notable critic and just an interesting guy with a wonderfully ironic sense of humor - unfortunately, I am also aware that you live in "Utter Despair", which is somewhere in NJ.If you are able to make it to New York to attend this party, your efforts will be especially appreciated. This after party will be a great event to meet some influential people in the film industry from NYC and elsewhere. Your feedback really matters to us and I look forward to speaking with you in the future. Shoot me an email if you are interested and I will make sure you are on the list for the after party (details below).
Thanks!
Rachel
for more info on IndieFlix: http://indieflix.com/pages/filmmaker and to find me personally on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/profile.php?id=10717954
The after party will be at the W Hotel's bar, right next to Times Square (address below) from 6:30 to 8pm. Please RSVP if you plan on attending -- you are free to bring as many people with you as you like.
The W Hotel 1567 Broadway at 47th St, New York City, NY 10036
THE FUTURIST! asked his friend Fleming Clamdish if he would like to attend. He could not due to his having to attend a speed dating function at a large bookstore in Paramus N.J. THE FUTURIST! then asked haiku, his former aide de camp. Unfortunately haiku replied in the negative. He was invited by email to another function by a representative of a Thai Sculpture exhibition who believed he was a famous half-Asian Art critic with a droll sense of humor and a noted lack of any other human emotion.
Sighted today on Osmosis Road in Utter Despair. A group of joggers who were either being joined by a man/woman dressed as a yellow chicken, being pursued by a man/woman dressed as a yellow chicken OR they were running from their lives due to a giant mutant, murderous man/chicken hybrid, bred at the strange laboratory up at Lovecraft Hills. (no one in Utter Despair knows what they do up at that place.) Thanks to Fleming Clamdish for the photo. He told THE FUTURIST! he will be having steak tonight.
Last week, on New Year's Eve, THE FUTURIST! was invited to German Cinema Night at THE THIRD MAN Cinema Tavern in Utter Despair. It was a packed house as the proprietor of the movie themed drinking establishment welcomed his year end guests who were seeking a place other than their homes to welcome in 2010. THE FUTURIST! would have happily stayed home, but he was cajoled by Fleming Clamdish to accompany him and some friends. There was a $20 cover charge and the host at the door stamped a white 'M' on your back, in case you went outside for a moment or two and then went back inside. THE FUTURIST! felt a bit melancholy, because haiku was leaving the area to live in Brooklyn, NY and this was his last night in Utter Despair. Later on, haiku arrived and joined the festivities. BERLIN ALEXANDERPLATZ was being played silently on several wide screen TV screens as the guests milled about eating funnel cake and having a drink. THE FUTURIST! took the opportunity to have a few Fritz Lang Lagers to celebrate and ease his underlying sadness. He, also, noticed that Miss Angela Deppler (2nd Grade Teacher and 1st Class Vixen and his alluring next door neighbor) was there with her current chiseled facial featured boyfriend.
The evening culminated in the eventual clock striking 12:01 am as the New Year arrived. After this annual orgasmic moment of humans appearing ecstatic for another day to arrive, THE THIRD MAN tavern owner started the Karaoke portion of the night. There was, in honor of the German Cinema Night theme, some Marlene Dietrich songs, The Andrew Sisters singing "Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen" and that Nazi boy singing in the beer garden from Bob Fosse's CABARET. The most eccentric moment arrived when a tune from HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL arrived on the screen complete with German lyrics to sing along with ... and THE FUTURIST! (lifted by Fritz Lang Lager) watched as Miss Angela Deppler and her date took to the stage and performed the catchy sappy number. Oh, it was appalling, yet ... THE FUTURIST! felt elated. Miss Angela Deppler and her date (later to be identified as a JC Penney Catalogue dress shirt model) performed the Disney corporate soul sucking song expertly with perfect pronunciation of the German lyrics. IT felt like a musical moment from a bad film ... which it was in actuality, but, also, in reality coming to life before the patrons' eyes. The joy was evident in their eyes and body movements as they swirled about shrugging their cares away. Many people applauded and laughed as the number went on and haiku whispered to THE FUTURIST! that Zac Efron sure could sing, but he was a soulless glamour boy in ME AND ORSON WELLES. Fleming Clamdish corrected haiku and said that Efron's singing voice was dubbed in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. Their argument was interrupted by the zither like snoring of The Amazing Frollo as he slept through the entire magic moment.
The night ended and THE FUTURIST! and his friends walked out into the cold January air with the sight and sound of momentary happiness still in their heads. THE FUTURIST! thought that Life was much like that bad Disney film ... mostly excruciating, but occasionally there could be 3 to 4 minutes of a volcanic eruption of unbridled senseless bliss to interrupt the usual lava spill of ennui.
P.S. Fleming Clamdish made a comment that if THE FUTURIST! was cast in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL, he would play the father (seen at 2:48) who appears at the side of the stage to show his awe and surprise that his athlete son can actually find his true self through song and dance. Though, if he were THE FUTURIST!'s son, he would not be a basketball star, but the star of the Advanced English Class and school newspaper film critic. THE FUTURIST! would, also, be very jealous his offspring was so damn happy.
Listen and practice your German:
BREAKING FREE from the film HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL (2006) performed by Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens
Several weeks ago at an Oktoberfest festivity organized by Fleming Clamdish, a friend of THE FUTURIST!, The Amazing Frollo decided to entertain the party guests with a ditty on his concertina. As THE FUTURIST! has stated before, The Amazing Frollo is New Jersey's laziest magician ... perhaps even North America's laziest magician. This does not stop many from still gathering about to witness his latest public display of entertaining groups with the art of illusion and, finally, anti-climatic bungling. Having the constitution of a garden slug, The Amazing Frollo never accomplishes his goal of entertaining and creates a sort of abstract post-modern touch to his non-accomplishment. This is what entertains ... this is what creates an aura of impending doom that many await with delicious anticipation.
This Sunday afternoon, however, The Amazing Frollo did not offer to perform a feat of escape, card trickery or the extraction of a floppy eared rodent from a battered top hat. This day The Amazing Frollo merely wished to serenade the gathering with a tune on his concertina. He told those that formed a U-shaped audience around him that he would dazzle them all with an old Austrian folk song entitled "Ein Strudel Made for Mein Trudy" written by Heinz Dismembertoes (a German of dubious heritage and character). It did not take more than 6 squeezes on the instrument before The Amazing Frollo fell into a deep sleep. This was accomplished while he stood up straight with his head lowered and the air escaping from the concertina with a sound similar to that of a wheezing pheasant expiring in the brush from bird shot fired from a hunter's rifle. The crowd was ecstatic and applauded loudly.
"The Amazing Frollo never disappoints!" loudly jeered a party guest hoisting a Belgian brew.
"Hey, what if we throw peanuts or pretzel nuggets at him? Will he awaken?" yelled another.
There was quite a bit of blather about Frollo's inertia and several party snacks were eventually tossed. THE FUTURIST! thought he saw some sign of life as a peanut hit his cheek and fell to the pavement. The Amazing Frollo can be aroused from his slumber by food. Once he fell asleep in an Egyptian Mummy Case (made in Hackensack NJ), but was awakened by a stagehand eating a Reuben sandwich nearby. The smell wafted into the cracks of the case's opening and he stumbled out to reappear unshackled, but the audience had disappeared 20 minutes prior and he had no one to witness his first actual completed escape feat. Quite disheartening.
After failing to complete the concertina performance, THE FUTURIST! and haiku used a hand truck to roll the coma-like Amazing Frollo back to THE FUTURIST!'s home where they would deposit him near his automobile. This act of kindness turned into further disaster.
THE FUTURIST! left haiku alone with the lifeless Frollo and went into the house to prep a Sunday martini with Tribuno red vermouth. haiku, desiring to get out of the hot afternoon sun, rolled Frollo into the nearby garage. This was no ordinary garage. THE FUTURIST! has had in his possession for some time a device invented by Dr. Seussonoras known as The Time Tunnel Garage. It looks like this:
The Garage Time Tunnel (patent pending)
The Time Tunnel Garage is a time machine (patent pending) and is quite untested and a bit unreliable. THE FUTURIST! has told haiku to be very careful around and not to enter it if possible. Once THE FUTURIST! went in to get a garden rake and found himself in the sitting room of Oscar Wilde who was in the process of seducing a young gentleman in Burgundy jodhpurs. It was quite awkward. THE FUTURIST! returned post-haste after haiku flipped the Garage return light switch.
THE FUTURIST! has told haiku to be careful around the garage, however, wanting to get out of the hot sun, haiku rolled Frollo into the garage for shade and accidentally activated the garage door. This action made the time machine come to life and haiku and Frollo were transported into the past. THE FUTURIST! quickly ran out after hearing the commotion and rapidly flipped the return switch. The two friends returned, but some strange molecular time shifting anomaly had occurred and both haiku and The Amazing Frollo had returned as young children. This caused great consternation to THE FUTURIST! and haiku, but Frollo was still asleep.
THE FUTURIST! contacted Seussonoras Labs immediately. Dr. Seussonoras assured THE FUTURIST! that both Frollo and haiku could be brought back to their true ages, but he would get to solving this difficult problem after he finished eating a large Italian submarine sandwich and a several gherkin pickles; he was having lunch and you can't blame a man for wanting to enjoy his mid-day meal.
In the meantime, The Amazing Frollo claimed he had been transported to the Titanic and had been performing a water tank escape trick, but never finished his escape due to the ship hitting the fateful iceberg. This meant The Amazing Frollo was submerged in the cold Atlantic ocean waters trapped in a water tank. He was rescued later by some very perplexed Norwegians. He loves to reminiscence about his adventure.
The currently young Amazing Frollo
thinks back to his sea adventure
haiku claims he was transported to 1930s Kansas City and was taught guitar by a black jazz musician named Jug Mouth Landers. It seems he is now very adept at finger strumming. The currently pre-teen haiku beautifully performed a Burt Bacharach tune for THE FUTURIST!. It was delightful. Though often fraught with strange disasters, the sun shines, sometimes, in Utter Despair and some good ... comes from bad.
Staff from Seussonoras Labs deliver The RoboFuturist!
to an undisclosed location in Utter Despair, N.J.
It is disguised in an at-home medical operation device box
due to statutes in New Jersey that outlaw
tropical birds, handguns and androids crossing State lines.
THE FUTURIST! is taking some time off starting Wednesday. He was going to leave the blog in the capable hands of haiku, but he is in Brooklyn doing something involving furniture and NYU paperwork. He then thought of Fleming Clamdish, but he is getting over a very bad breakup with a woman, her sister and a dachshund. There was The Amazing Frollo to consider, but he is so lazy he would just never post ... anyway, he is recovering from water in his lungs after falling asleep while hanging upside down from a chain in an airtight water tank. THE FUTURIST! then thought of Dr. Seussonoras, but the good Doctor had a better idea. He suggested that he send along a new version of The RoboFuturist!. The last version (2.13 and 1/2) had some kinks to workout. THE FUTURIST! had programmed The RoboFuturist! to empty the dishwasher and it ended very badly. The RoboFuturist! seemed totally capable and he was removing the luncheon plates in an orderly fashion. Some time later, THE FUTURIST! heard a terrible metallic noise and the sound of something rattling back and forth. It seemed The RoboFuturist! was having some kind of automaton carnal encounter with the Kenmore Dish Washing Machine. The soap dispenser was overflowing and the cutlery basket was totally destroyed as was haiku's favorite Janus Films 50th Anniversary coffee mug. This resulted in having to buy a new dish washer and total embarrassment since THE FUTURIST! had over his Chekhov short story reading club that fateful afternoon. After seeing The RoboFuturist! nuts and lower torso synthetic bolts in a very inappropriate place in proximity of the utensils and such, the Club members refused to use the spoons and cups provided for their tea, which had just been rinsed clean and dried in the washer. It was a very awkward afternoon in Utter Despair, N.J.
The RoboFuturist! was turned off and boxed by THE FUTURIST! and haiku and returned to Dr. Seussonoras. It hasn't been seen since, but the Doctor says it has been reprogrammed and is ready to handle minor chores while THE FUTURIST! is away, including a new writing program for blog posts. THE FUTURIST! provided Dr. Seussonoras with the needed passwords and instructions and feels confident all should be A-OK, while he travels for a few days.
The RoboFuturist! should continue with the usual Wednesday trailer and Saturday Music features, as well as other incidental entries. Please enjoy his contributions and feel free to comment.
THE FUTURIST! would like to make a shout out to Silver Fish Lupez and his partner Juan Estaban "The Blue Gila Monster" Santiango who manage EL GRANDE BOOM FIREWORKS out of the back of a large truck constantly moving around Passaic County, N.J.
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DO NOT LIGHT A STRING OF CHINESE DRAGON TAILS IN A COMPACT CAR WITH WINDOWS SHUT WHILE TRANSPORTING HOME YOUR RE-FILLED PROPANE TANK FOR AN OUTDOOR GAS GRILL! ... are you listening, Fleming Clamdish?
The always joyful and happy to assist Sabrina Delacourt works the counter at SATAN'S ASHTRAY: YOUR FRIENDLY FIREWORKS EMPORIUM; located over the border in nearby Pennsylvania. She loves to see haiku and his pals, from the band Marcel Proust's Mustache, when they come by every late June for Roman Candles and other explosives. They bring her candy and she gives them a nice discount.
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This year, Fleming Clamdish has acquired THE BUMBLEBEE 4000 ...a top of the line explosive for the holiday festivities. haiku is currently digging a trench for this baby! A call has been put into Newark and Teterboro Airports to halt all flights over Utter Despair after dusk on the 4th. Yowza!!
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And here's to the boys in the UTTER DESPAIR VOLUNTEER FIRE COMPANY No. 3. Tomorrow is one of their busiest days. Chief Grinder and his staff are always on the spot to extinguish all blazes whose origins stem from stray fireworks and such. They are equipped with the best in firefighting tools and fantastic cheap booze.
Fleming Clamdish poses in a very laconic manner with his house warming gift, which he has no idea where to place.
Fleming Clamdish just got a new apartment in Utter Despair. It is extremely tiny. The ironing board, which springs from a door in the wall, doubles as his bed. He can make breakfast and make his bed at the same time, by merely turning to the right or left. He doubles his bed sheets as a kitchen table cloth. The clothes closet fits two shirts, a coat and one pair of shoes and his Scrabble board game (the junior edition); it resembles a High School locker. Watching television is awkward. There is room for only one chair in the living room; a blue love seat. THE FUTURIST! found it very odd sitting so close to Fleming Clamdish on that tight chair watching My Beautiful Launderette. Fleming Clamdish is a big Stephen Frears fan. THE FUTURIST! asked haiku what would be an appropriate house warming gift. haiku replied, "Don't you mean an appropriate casket warming gift?" haiku can be a smart ass. THE FUTURIST! decided on a food processor which he purchased at Bed Bath & Beyond. Fleming Clamdish accepted it with a small smile and in a taciturn manner. He kept it in his hands through the entire visit and was still holding it after THE FUTURIST! left. Fleming Clamdish said, "Oh, I will eventually find a place for ... it." haiku left after the presentation of the gift. He said, "My presence here is not needed anymore ... plus, my oxygen tank is running low, I need to go out and get some real air." He wore a scuba diving air tank with breathing nozzle to the house warming party. As stated, he can be a smart ass.
Fleming Clamdish told THE FUTURIST! about his frightening experience of seeing WATCHMEN a few weeks after it opened and went to a second run theater in Utter Despair. Fleming and his date, Candy Dish (no relation to the Clamdish Clan) entered the auditorium and saw a scary scenario (SEE ABOVE PICTURE) before their eyes. Candy screamed and dropped her mammoth pail of Dr. Pepper and her wheelbarrow of popcorn was sent rolling in a wobbly fashion down the aisle. Fleming had the good sense to snap this photo on his cell phone before carrying Candy's faint body from the theater. He asked the usher who or what was haunting the 5th row of Cinema 2. The usher, an elderly Asian man with 2 teeth, spit this out, "He won't leafff!! He say he will be here always! He crazy!" Then he offered them a refund or a chance to catch the next showing of HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Since Fleming had an unconscious Candy in his arms, he thought he'd better take the refund and revive her in his Toyota Corolla with mouth to mouth resuscitation.
THE FUTURIST! apologizes for forgetting to recount this story of the mad WATCHMEN fan. Forgive him. Isn't it very scary? Let's pray to the Pagan Gods that this doesn't occur with a Tyler Perry fan.
THE FUTURIST! has an acquaintance who is an admirer of the English language and its usage.
Amongst his favorite possessions are these napkins that accompany a Manhattan, Dry Martini, Rob Roy or Jameson on the Rocks a la Moroney. This is one in the fabulous series that features a quote from Hamlet, Act 1 Scene V
The acquaintance is Fleming Clamdish and he is part owner of THE BAR OF AVON located in Ennui, N.J.
