Friday, January 16, 2009

The Mysterious Package from Seussonoras Labs Inc., Ypsilanti, Michigan

Mysterious item sent to THE FUTURIST!
from Seussonoras Labs.


THE FUTURIST! is very interested in the mysterious, the odd, the unexplained and a really good bowl of chicken broth with Orzo pasta. Aiding him in his quest in searching out the bizarre is, of course, haiku, but there is, also, a young man in Ypsilanti, Michigan named Dr. Steven Seussonoras, young Great Lakes genius and noted Indie Bandologist. Seussonoras is the owner, founder and main inventor of Seussonoras Labs. He and his technical crew are constantly creating new inventions of fascinating proportions. These innovations in science and science fiction hope to advance man's ease in living and pleasure. Most of his inventions have no patent; there are all in a pending mode or have been completely rejected by the government. Oft times, The Doctor must sell to foreign agencies which have made him the target of U.S. Government harassment and phone tapping. This has put a crimp in his calls to male escort services. The government operatives listening in are doing more heavy breathing than the good Doctor.

Seussonoras Labs have provided THE FUTURIST! with many inventions and time saving devices. There has been The Toaster Glove Compartment, The Bed Spread Self-Spreader, The Bird Bath Whirlpool, The Doppelganger Radar Detector and many more. Recently, THE FUTURIST! received the product (shown above) from Dr. Seussonoras. THE FUTURIST! was baffled as to what it was and why he had received it. He immediately asked haiku if he had ordered it. haiku related he only orders from the Criterion Collection online and from not mad scientists in Michigan. So, immediately a letter was sent to Seussonoras Labs :

"Dearest Doctor ...

hakiu recently unwrapped an odd instrument of sorts sent to THE FUTURIST!'s address. It resembles a ray gun, hand-held heating coil or medieval bug zapper. What is this? (photo enclosed) Please respond. .

signed
THE FUTURIST!"

then this response came by text message from Dr. Seussonoras:

"TO THE FUTURIST! !!

Object sent was in error! That device was actually included in the original run of the Sex Closet back in '92. It turned out that my minions forgot to put instructions in the package and consumers ended up sawing their genitalia off accidentally.

I also forgot to place instructions in your package.

DEAR GOD! DON'T USE IT!


AS always, you are a bright beacon of truth in a dark tunnel of horrible lies, Futurist! I will have to speak to my PR team about this debacle."

Love,
Dr. S. Seussonoras

then back to The Doctor:

"Doctor, thank you for the warning. The device went no where near any genitalia. We were baffled by its use ... but, once switched on, we heard a whirring noise and experimented. It proved to cut roasted pork loin magnificently and even mixed a pitcher of martinis. However, our lovely neighbor Miss Angela Deppler, 2nd grade teacher and 1st class vixen, asked to borrow it for a wedding shower party this Friday. We assumed she'd use it as a mixer, but ... oh ... do you think she may think its a "stimulating" mechanism for frisky naughty girl activities, which occur at these events? Doctor ... if so ... THERE WILL BE BLOOD!!!"

THE FUTURIST!

Then back:

"FUTURIST!

"My lawyers have been contacted in case this minx that lives next door to you sues for damages. Hopefully, it was just used for Bloody Marys and mixing Cosmos ... possibly a tasty chip dip. Personally, WE prefer Paul Newman Salsa here at The Labs for our chips. Hope all is well."

Wearing no pants,
Dr. S. Seussonoras

Luckily no one was hurt.

Another mystery solved!!

5 comments:

Mike said...

Oh, THE FUTURIST!, you make my day.

kazu said...

THE FUTURIST!, you are an artist of the letter exchange -- on par with Groucho.

THE FUTURIST! said...

Michael:

If only something would make THE FUTURIST!s day ... ** sigh **

-------

kazu :

THE FUTURIST! thanks you for your appraisal of his letter exchanging. It proves helpful during a game of Scrabble. Especially when he gets a "Q" or "X".

Jocko Homo said...

And the Good Doctor responds:

I have found a new use for this intriguing invention, Futurist! You'll find that by twisting the bulbous nob on the South side of the shaft, the metallic column will eject powerful rays of vast and colorful light. These rays, when focused on a light surface from a variable distance, will actually emit a projection of the first 6 episodes of HBO's misbegotten early 2000's comedy series "Arliss." The show has just been begging for a second chance, and the time has clearly come! I think it's high time we start a petition to retract the 2001 Emmy for BEST SITCOM and have it put in the right hands--the good folks of HBO...er, the folks that have since most likely been laid off from HBO and cast into the gutter of poverty, oppression, and lesser advertiser-based cable television.

Hope all is well in Utter Despair,

Dr. S.

THE FUTURIST! said...

Dr. S,

THE FUTURIST! may secretly harbor some strange unnatural love for you.

He'll try to be discreet.