Sunday, March 29, 2009

Wheat Toast, Coffee, Silver Dollar Pancakes and a Side of Scrambled Seussonoras

THE FUTURIST!'s Sunday morning ritual of consuming a hearty breakfast, while perusing the Utter Despair Gazette Weekend Arts & Entertainment section, was disturbed by an amazing occurrence ... molecular alteration in his kitchen environs. As THE FUTURIST! paused reading an article on the possibility of Zac Efron reprising the role of Atticus Finch in a new Disney musical version of To Kill a Mockingbird, he heard a strange buzzing noise. At first, he thought the toaster was on the fritz and turned his head expecting to see smoke wafting from the Proctor Silex 4 Slicer. The noise increased and was coming from near the very table he was seated at. He turned again and saw the atmosphere in front of him start to wave and become out of focus. Tiny particles of technicolor static were forming. The particles bounced and twirled and started to form a pattern ... it seemed to be trying to maintain the form of an individual ... a human form. THE FUTURIST! reached for his glass of King Sunshine Orange Juice and tasted it ... no ... there was no Norway Fjord Vodka mixed in it (that would be later in the afternoon). This was no alcohol induced moment of unreality. This was actually happening. But ... what was happening? He reached for his cell phone and snapped a picture in order to prove to others, specifically haiku, that this strange moment was occurring. Then, the particles, like an organized of rainbow colored buzzing bees began to organize themselves into an actual visual presence (SEE PICTURE ABOVE) ... it was Dr. Seussonoras!! An electronic hologram of the good doctor was forming right in THE FUTURIST!'s breakfast nook. It wavered ... it faded ... it became brighter ... a voice was heard with a distinct human tone, but produced with electronic humming.

"Fu-Fu-Fu-TURizzzTT! It is me ... Doc-doc-DOCtor Seusso-soo-sonoRAS . * zzzzzzzzzz * Try-trying out new partic-par-ticle trans-porter * buzzzz * Can yu yu yu YOU sszzzzeeee me? I'm am currently in *zzzz* Sha- shattered Hope, Mich-igan ... *** buzzz huuummmm *** How are you? .... Are you having pan-pan-pancakes? Look good .. * zzz *

THE FUTURIST! was in shock, yet asked Dr. Seussonoras if he would care for some coffee and a few silver dollar pancakes. The Good Doctor said thank you, but explained that he would be unable to physically pick up anything due to his not being physically there, but commented on the beautiful china plate THE FUTURIST! was using and the perfectly formed pancakes.

"Those sss-ss-zzzilver dollar pancakezzz look so good and zzzo real ... I could slide them in a parking meter ... or a vibrating bed in a cheap motel where I could enjoy kinky antics with a very libidinous, but highly intellectual romantic partner ... mmm ... good. You have some syrup on your tie .. ** ZZZ ***"

THE FUTURIST! looked down saw he had accidentally let a dollop of maple syrup fall on his necktie and got up to get a towel to wipe it off. While doing so he noticed he had not plugged in the toaster. Two slices of wheat toast were waiting for their descent into the heated coils. He plugged it in and pushed the lever down. A loud bang of electronic aural origin erupted and he noticed that Dr. Seussonoras' form had disappeared and a white vapor wafted in the air.

Later he found out that, somehow, the toaster's electrical current had interrupted some ions or something in the atmosphere of the kitchen and forced the Doctor's particle self to reappear in an Assisted Living Rest Home a mile away at a table of four elderly women playing Chinese Checkers. One of the women screamed at the sight of the ghostly anti-matter Seussonoras and rolled out of her wheelchair and had a heart attack. This story appeared the next day in the Utter Despair Gazette's Local section. The story stated that the three other women where dispatched to psychiatric care due to their assertions they had seen a demon or rainbow colored ghost appear at their table talking about pancakes and intellectually stimulating dirty motel sex.

Dr. Seussonras tried to reappear once again that day, but it was while THE FUTURIST! was making penne pasta with clam sauce and making believe a wooden stirring spoon was a microphone as he lip-synched Tonight We Fly by The Divine Comedy. Startled, and a quite abashed, he asked the good doctor to refrain from reappearing or, at least, telephone with a forewarning.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Saturday Music to Hypnotize You

THE FUTURIST! invites you, this Saturday, to listen to a quite pleasant musical interlude. The kind of song that you'd love to hear in the car on a beautiful day, window open and the sun dappling through the overhead trees. This song was found by pure serendipity. The colorful video presentation caught THE FUTURIST!'s eye and he investigated. Once engaged, he found the melody and soft intonations of the vocalist to be very soothing and it put him in a good place. Good places are hard to find of late. THE FUTURIST! needs a good, restful meditative place to retreat ... with good ventilation, a comfortable bed, and no cable TV access (maybe an ice machine outside for drink mixing) ... even if its for 3 minutes and 1 second. Please notice how the passing multi-colored panoply of arcade-like designs never seems to replicate itself. Amazing ... and if you stare at it as it moves ... it has a Svengali effect. Enjoy.


performed by The Sea and Cake

Friday, March 27, 2009

Less Than 10 Minute Matinee # 3

First, a riveting film trailer in which Lou Ferrigno, as a dubbed Hercules, battles evil and shouts at his enemies, "I WILL FIND YOU!" THE FUTURIST! intoned the same threat when he was unable to locate a missing argyle sock after doing laundry.

Now ... time to refresh yourself with processed meats and carbonated beverages full of sugar and additives to keep you stimulated! Mmmmm ... ! Slather on those condiments! Do it! NOW!!!

And now our feature ... keep smiling.

directed by Irving Cummings

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Saturday Music for Spring

Ah, it's Springtime. There is a chill still in the air, yet THE FUTURIST! has spied some green shoots springing from the ground. The seasonal change does not, though, alter our moods all the time. Spring should denote a sense of a fresh new start, yet, problems, financial woes, sadness and relation woes still abound. The crocus and lily striving to break through the cold gray dirt, in some ways, is like the hope that wants to break through our dark thoughts. This Saturday's music is, first, a scene from Small Town Girl, an MGM musical from 1953, where you shall witness the actor/dancer Bobby Van emerge from his picture perfect Hollywood studio back lot house. He is so happy about life that he literally hops his way through town. He's so very very happy. This could only happen in the dream world of 1950s movie musicals. The happiness displayed is played out in front of facades, dress-up and make believe.

from the MGM film Small Town Girl (1953)

Now ... watch this video from the British electronic musical group Goldfrapp. The song is appropriately called Happiness. The scenario is exactly the same as the MGM musical, but with some small differences; a little tinge of darkness. THE FUTURIST! seems to prefer this version. The attitude of complete glee and chain free anguish is more evident, but not so in all the surrounding elements. Plus, THE FUTURIST! loves the suit and tie of the hopping thespian. And the hair; THE FUTURIST! envies that mop of follicle splendor. He'd take this dream world more than the other, but request Bobby Van's black and white shoes.

performed by Goldfrapp

Monday, March 16, 2009

THE FUTURIST!'s 3 Seconds of 3 Word Fame

AS stated in a previous post, The Rotten Tomatoes Show on Current TV has a segment that features 3 word reviews on the Top 5 money making films of the week. THE FUTURIST! lamented, in his post, that his submission for the film Taken was not accepted as one of the chosen. This past week, THE FUTURIST! was quite nonplussed to find that his 3 word masterpiece was accepted and aired on the second episode. The Rotten Tomatoes Show has wonderfully posted this portion of the show on YouTube. Of course, you should watch the whole show to feel the suspense of an impending 3 word review by THE FUTURIST! Again, thank you to The House Next Door's John Lichman for advancing THE FUTURIST!'s bit of humor to the The RT Show's staff of writers.

* Please be prepared , if you are easily flustered. The clip begins with a non-sequitar regarding Dr. Manhattan's glowing blue penis. Then, another reference to the gland is again inserted (so to speak) into the clip. Just a head's up (so to speak ... again).

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Saturday Music for Panic Attacks with David Byrne (plus an extra!)

THE FUTURIST! heard today that haiku, his faithful friend and factotum, is having panic attacks or, perhaps, had one panic attack (psst! they come in a series, haiku! Be prepared!) Anywho, THE FUTURIST! is not sure why haiku had a panic attack. It may have to do with The Future. And as we all know, THE FUTURE IS NOT BRIGHT! Well, in any case, this Saturday's music features haiku's favorite performer David Byrne performing This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody). THE FUTURIST! was going to post the song performed in Stop Making Sense by the ingeniously fine director Jonathan Demme, but - he decided to post, instead, this performance from 2004 on The Jools Holland Show on the BBC. It features a lot of strings. THE FUTURIST! likes strings. Strings are useful to tie to trees when venturing into fearful forests. They help you find your way back to safety when what's ahead doesn't look so good.


performed by David Byrne

... and an extra bit of whimsy that features David Byrne. He decided to design bicycle racks. These humorous racks convinced THE FUTURIST! that David Byrne would be interesting to have over for lunch (pencil that in the daybook, haiku).

Friday, March 13, 2009

Japanese Ball Game

Taking things out of context can be misleading and cruel. However, when dealing with Japanese Game Shows, one can watch the entire piece and still be in the dark or led down the garden path into a hedge maze. Let us, now, observe Hugh Jackman on some sort of Japanese entertainment program. We will learn the Japanese vernacular for large mammaries, that Mr. Jackman can entertain us more by dancing with a short squat Asian woman (with hair resembling a giant door knob) than when he Oscar danced with ham hocks Beyonce. And, most importantly, Hugh has two testicles (which one of the Japanese men decides to fondle). Please watch, in sequence, while THE FUTURIST! worries about who'll direct the third Twilight film and tries to tie an adequate noose.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Tomato Puree

Using the new invention of Twitter (a form of communication similar to the telegraph in the early days communication, except, with Twitter, you can impart information of incredible insignificance to anyone that follows your "tweets". ex: for instance, imagine this message tapped out in the late 1800s - "1st National Bank robbed (stop) presumed to be The James Gang (stop) approximately $20,000 stolen from safe (stop) also, had tasty ham sandwich for lunch (stop) mustard, no pickle) THE FUTURIST! has been in communication with John Lichman, freelance film writer and human distillery. Lichman is leaving this land of seasonal depression for the land of sun and smiles that only cloak non-seasonal depression. His departure is due to his joining the staff of Current TV's Rotten Tomatoes Show.

The show's hosts, Brett Erlich and Ellen Fox, provide snappy rapid Hawksian verbal quips and playful banter about the films in review. The show, also, requires the participation of the audience to contribute web-cam reviews and three-word reviews of films in discussion. The premiere episode provided three films in review that allowed the hosts to legitimately critically opine, but, also, insert comical asides, jabs and rabbit punches. THE FUTURIST! found the show to move very fast, maybe too fast, and the sounds and effects interspersed reminded him of those cable news shows that have sound effects and graphics that whoosh and boom and sweep across the screen to herald a story about a snow storm warning. The web-cam reviews were annoying. Understandably, Rotten Tomatoes relies on the Internet audience to rate films a la their TomatoMeter, but seeing those mugs shoved in front of their web-cams trying to be funny and think they are getting their "star turn" was a waste of time. Do we care what some guy, leaning into his computer screen, described as "comedian" feels about Street Fighter II, especially when what he feels is actually some supposed hilarious lines he wrote to impress us with how funny he is? No. No. No. THE FUTURIST! would rather take the more appealingly presented hosts (nice hair, Ellen Fox. Don't shed that 3 day growth, Brett Erlich, and fine tilting of the head in a sardonic manner) who are well-made up by the Current TV make-up department and now how to read and impart smart comedy.

The sidebar topic presented on films derived from video games was entertaining. The presentation was full of fact and funny. Whoever wrote this segment knows their video games and their insane film incarnations. One would think Lichman was already a staff writer. Ellen Fox's segment on the Top Five Conspiracy films gave us several films from the paranoid cinematic 70s and she knew her stuff. THE FUTURIST! loves a woman who knows The Parallax View and who, also, reports her guilty pleasure film from behind a garbage dumpster; a visually ironic delight.

Then there is the three word review segment. This is a feature THE FUTURIST!, himself, tried to contribute. Yes, he tried. He provided many tri-grouped bits of attempted comedy and tweeted them directly to Lichman. Oh, he was pleased. He especially was in awe of THE FUTURIST!'s entry on Taken. The review was "Schindler's Hit List". It did not air. What about his 3 words on The International? ... "Owen Money Back"? Nada. No cigar. Could this color THE FUTURIST!'s critical eye of The Rotten Tomatoes Show? Never. THE FUTURIST! is a better man than that and will watch this show again. And he wishes the best of luck to Mr. John Lichman. Knowing his humor and interests, THE FUTURIST! expects the show to be even better. Three Word Review? "Lichman make better" and the review after the show's work is done for the day? "Lichman will drink."

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Saturday Music with The Penguin Cafe Orchestra

Years ago, THE FUTURIST! heard a song called Rubber Band and Telephone. It was a piece of music that involved, as instruments, a common rubber band and the dial tone or busy signal of a telephone land line. It was very minimalistic and hypnotic. The band that created it was The Penguin Cafe Orchestra. THE FUTURIST! sought out there recordings and found many other pleasant tunes that soothed his most often irritated soul. Please listen to this piece on this rather Pre-Spring-like Saturday. It has the lilt of Spring fever and hope. If THE FUTURIST! could, he would sit in the middle of this ensemble, in his Spring tan suit and maroon tie with tiny little house wrens imprinted on it, and let the music flow over him and work its magic.

performed by The Peguin Cafe Orchestra

Friday, March 6, 2009