Friday, December 4, 2009

In the Hive

Last evening THE FUTURIST! went to The Utter Despair Mall and visited the AMC Mega Hive of 16 Screens. He went to see FANTASTIC MR. FOX directed by Wes Anderson and it was very good. It erased some troubling thoughts from his mind and did what the magic of cinema can do ... transported THE FUTURIST! to another plane of existence ... an oasis of bliss and wonder. Before the orange and earth toned stop action animation version of Roald Dahl's book came to life under the eccentric direction of the fascinating Wes Anderson, THE FUTURIST! had to sit through several trailers and vacuous commercials that made no sense. Do they think these commercials really achieve their goal? They are just images and noise and color. Anywho, the trailers were stultifying visuals that bludgeoned THE FUTURIST! with their inanity. Why is money wasted on these ideas? Ah, yes ... to make money for that big first weekend! Of course. THE FUTURIST! sat through the ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKQUEL trailer, a Dreamworks computer animated noise fest of non-hilarious gags that boasted BIG celebrity voices! and The Rock in THE TOOTH FAIRY. Yes, THE TOOTH FAIRY. THE FUTURIST! was in terrible psychological pain ... three coming attractions that promised a flat liner on the brain wave meter of thought and entertainment. The most inexplicably strange trailer was the first projected on the screen. At first it seemed to be a gag perpetrated by the theater owners. It begins slowly in some African village as we watch two babies have a squabble over an empty soda or water bottle. Could this be the third installment of THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY? (oh no please no) What is this? It's going on too long ... wait ... it is progressing.


On April 16, 2010, THE FUTURIST! can be treated to a film about babies from around the world. How incredibly enticing. The theater owners want you to turn off your cell phones, not to talk and quiet your children ... yet, THE FUTURIST! can pay $11.50 to see and hear babies scream, fight, drool and look angelic as they sleep for 2 hours of his precious life. The World has gone mad. THE FUTURIST! will stay in his home in Utter Despair.


Dara said...

But look how adorable they are! It'll be a hit!

Also, I hate having to sit through lots of ads in the cinema after paying so much to get in.


The ads are interminable. Its hurts worse if you go solo.

christian said...

Paying for ads is blasphame. That's why go to movies to escape them. But they've convinced Gen Y that ads are not only cool, they're part of yourself now. I can handle awful trailers though.