THE FUTURIST! hopes to try and make it to
the annual Thanksgiving Parade today in Utter Despair, NJ
As is the tradition, several residents dress in Pilgrim regalia and
chase a Man/Turkey Hybrid down the main town boulevard.
The Man/Turkey Hybrid is played each year by
a special guest star voted on by the town population.
This year it is played by Hal Veener who works at the
recycling center and does weekly pickups of paper products,
cans, glass and plastic containers.
The delight of the Man/Turkey Hybrid is that it is usually
played by someone the town dislikes at the moment.
Hal is known for tossing recycling barrels onto residents' lawns,
in the street and in their bushes. He is seen kicking them and
causing them to crack and dent. Occasionally, he will leave stray
newspapers and bottles behind in the gutter, if he
misses pitching them into the back of his truck.
He is a big annoying lazy jerk.
Why would he accept the role?
Because he receives a day off from work, four new radial tires,
a gift certificate to The Utter Despair Diner
(one free meal and dessert)
and a plaque honoring his run in the traditional parade.
Of course, this is if he outruns the "Pilgrims" ...
if he doesn't, he is trussed up and put in a stockade
in Utter Despair Park on
Black Friday, the biggest shopping day in town
and shoppers will heckle him as they search for sales.
Last year, the cranky lady from the library was
in the running ... she outran the "Pilgrims", but
passed out and hit her head on the curb.
She actually thinks she is a turkey, now.
It was sad.
But, she did win the prizes.
The run is from the border of Utter Despair and nearby Ennui, N.J.
to the other end of town at the border of Bergman Township.
Oh, and congrats to Sue Loo,
co-owner of Emperor Ming's Mongo Palace,
(best Chinese in New Jersey!)
for being the 1st Asian Pilgrim
in the traditional ritual this year!
Utter Despair is an equal opportunity re-enactor employer.