Happy Thanksgiving from Utter Despair N.J.

THE FUTURIST! hopes to try and make it to

the annual Thanksgiving Parade today in Utter Despair, NJ

As is the tradition, several residents dress in Pilgrim regalia and

chase a Man/Turkey Hybrid down the main town boulevard.

The Man/Turkey Hybrid is played each year by

a special guest star voted on by the town population.

This year it is played by Hal Veener who works at the

recycling center and does weekly pickups of paper products,

cans, glass and plastic containers.

The delight of the Man/Turkey Hybrid is that it is usually

played by someone the town dislikes at the moment.

Hal is known for tossing recycling barrels onto residents' lawns,

in the street and in their bushes. He is seen kicking them and

causing them to crack and dent. Occasionally, he will leave stray

newspapers and bottles behind in the gutter, if he

misses pitching them into the back of his truck.

He is a big annoying lazy jerk.

Why would he accept the role?

Because he receives a day off from work, four new radial tires,

a gift certificate to The Utter Despair Diner

(one free meal and dessert)

and a plaque honoring his run in the traditional parade.

Of course, this is if he outruns the "Pilgrims" ...

if he doesn't, he is trussed up and put in a stockade

in Utter Despair Park on

Black Friday, the biggest shopping day in town

and shoppers will heckle him as they search for sales.

Last year, the cranky lady from the library was

in the running ... she outran the "Pilgrims", but

passed out and hit her head on the curb.

She actually thinks she is a turkey, now.

It was sad.

But, she did win the prizes.

The run is from the border of Utter Despair and nearby Ennui, N.J.

to the other end of town at the border of Bergman Township.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh, and congrats to Sue Loo,

co-owner of Emperor Ming's Mongo Palace,

(best Chinese in New Jersey!)

for being the 1st Asian Pilgrim

in the traditional ritual this year!

Utter Despair is an equal opportunity re-enactor employer.

Lest We Forget ...

Leftovers in Tokyo

As a child, THE YOUNG FUTURIST! looked forward to the day after Thanksgiving. There was no school and the special sense of utter freedom due to the extended weekend. Most of all there was the WOR Channel 9 Holiday Film Festival of Godzilla movies. The bliss of sitting on the couch, all snug, with a plate of congealed cold leftover stuffing and a fork ... maybe some slices of turkey ... and a glass of Yoo-Hoo to wash it down. All this and badly dubbed Japanese people screaming as Godzilla and Mothra and Ghidorah and the MechaGodzilla battled endlessly. THE FUTURIST! remembers this so fondly. He would just eat and watch and laugh and feel so unencumbered of any stress. Then ... he would fall asleep, from an overdose of tryptophan and starchy carbohydrates, halfway through the movie marathon with a smile of pure content on his young face.

* THE FUTURIST! does not think, as the announcer states, that Jack Palance was ever in a Godzilla picture. Strange mistake.

Wes Anderson in a THE FUTURIST! Kind of Holiday Mind

Deep Fried Bird

For the last several years, THE FUTURIST! has attended a Thanksgiving get-together that has, as it's main entree, a turkey that is deep fried in boiling peanut oil. This is dangerous procedure and actually becomes an event in itself ... a visual process that the host conducts in the backyard. Below is a video on the preparation and the results. If you do do this, remember to keep children and pets away from the device, unless, they are children and pets you don't very much enjoy to be around. THE FUTURIST! jokes, of course. No, he doesn't ... today's festivities will involve obnoxious children and some rather distasteful adults ... but no pets, in fact a loving beautiful pet, preferably a canine, would be welcome.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING from Utter Despair, N.J., dear readers!

See You Next Wednesday! (Thanksgiving Edition)

A big favorite of THE FUTURIST! and a movie
that begins and ends with a Thanksgiving meal.

Lofty Ideas

FOUR BRILLIANT THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE BALLOON IDEAS
FROM THE FUTURIST! THAT WERE SCOFFED AT BY MACY'S CORPORATE EXECUTIVES:

THE HINDENBURG

THE HEAD OF JOHN THE BAPTIST

A BIRTH CONTROL DEVICE

SPANISH OLIVES

A Very Sad Thanksgiving Memory

THE FUTURIST! must hold back his tears remembering a Thanksgiving many years ago when he was inadvertedly left behind on a cold windy cloudy November day on the NJ Shore by his Aunt Abigail. THE FUTURIST!'s parents had gone to Aunt Abigail's beach front home for the Thanksgiving holiday. After claiming to not have an adequate white wine for the repast, THE FUTURIST!'s parents allowed Aunt Abigail to take THE BABY FUTURIST! for a stroll on the desolate beach on her way to the local liquor emporium.

How did this happen? A baby left alone in the sand?

Well, it appears that Aunt Abigail, on her way back from her leisurely walk with THE BABY FUTURIST! to the Seaside Liquor Store for the holiday libations, became a bit infatuated with her purchases and partook of a 6 pack of an inferior beer and a bottle of Riesling. She then, while mumbling something about a husband of dubious birth, decided to take a cold dip in the sea and never came back. THE FUTURIST!'s first encounter with a Thanksgiving fowl was not with a turkey ... it was a large tern or seagull who pecked at him for minutes on end until the Shore Patrol found him. To this day, THE FUTURIST! cannot abide seagulls. Recently, he and haiku stopped at a roadside Fast Food establishment for lunch and ate outside. THE FUTURIST! suffered a panic attack when a large seagull fluttered down to investigate his french fries. On immediate sight of the flying fowl poking into his side dish, he screamed like a woman.

Thanksgiving B.C.

Little Peter Hollinsberry sold this crude drawing to haiku, THE FUTURIST!'s aide-de-camp, for $20. He claimed it was a drawing made by cave people 4000 yrs. ago and proved that Thanksgiving was first celebrated by Cro-Magnons, Swamp Creatures and blue dinosaurs. THE FUTURIST! is not exactly happy that haiku was fleeced and that he is, apparently, as dense as a shag rug. haiku? Aren't you a college graduate? THE FUTURIST! is naming Peter as his 2009 Holiday Hero for using such American ingenuity and know-how to swindle an easy mark. A fine young American!

Pilgrim Pez

The Pilgrim Pez dispenser (seen first in this series of early American Pez creations) was a fascinating arcane addition to the PEZ Candy universe back in the 1970's. THE FUTURIST! has been on the outlook for one for years! Rumor has it that the dispenser only used candy tablets that tasted like turkey, cranberry, yams, carrots and corn. The most bizarre flavors were Pearl Onion and Beet. THE FUTURIST! wants this as much as the obscure Botswanian Cannibal Pygmy PEZ Dispenser which had tablets that tasted of HUMAN FLESH!

Make That Shot Count

THE FUTURIST! is providing this very important diagram of a turkey's head to ensure prime killing capability this holiday season! Please pay attention to the vital areas you will need to penetrate with your shot gun, .22, Luger P.08 pistol, bow and arrow or slingshot when stalking and slaying your seasonal bird. Remember feral fowls make the tastiest most succulant variety of Thanksgiving's main entree. Mmmmm! (Don't forget to remove pellets from the body and/or head. Smiling over the juicy taste of your bird amidst a table of family and friends can be hampered by the sensation of spent bullet fragments cracking on tooth enamel.)

An Utter Despair Thanksgiving Meal

Oh, THE FUTURIST! won't consume anything like this on Turkey Day.
No need to worry. His meal will not be heated in an oven in an aluminum tray.
He'll have a nice hearty meal. Hopefully.
But, that sweet and spicy apple crisp looks so goooood!