Tale from The Utter Despair Woods

Could this be Dr. Porto and Nurse Lutz?

THE FUTURIST! started his 1st day of vacation (and 1st day of Summer) with an alarming awakening. A terrible head throbbing has troubled THE FUTURIST! since Saturday evening. It has him quite worried. No headache medication seems to abate the dull throb. He even took a cat nap to quell the waves of pain. Cat naps are usually very restorative. Today, he arose to greet June 21st and found the dull pain was still present. He began to think what could it be? Does he need a new eyeglass prescription? Oh, no ... could it be sympathetic pain from a tooth going to rot? The thoughts of its origins began to make his head spin. He had breakfast (coffee and two small round waffles) and decided to take a solitary walk in nature. Perhaps, the exercise would help, as suggested by a physician he knew.

About 15 minutes into his ambulatory adventure, he encountered an odd and disconcerting sight. THE FUTURIST! saw two people, male and female dressed in Autumnal type wardrobe and wearing masks of an avian nature. THE FUTURIST! snapped proof with his Hipstermatic. (PICTURED ABOVE) They just stood there silent and unmoving. THE FUTURIST! could see their eyes darting about watching his every move as he approached. At first he did not notice the strange Wicker Man/Eyes Wide Shut facial adornment. It just seemed as if two people were out and about just as THE FUTURIST! was this June morning. But, closer inspection brought to sight the strange bird masks ... and waves of other worldly awkwardness and sweaty fear to THE FUTURIST!.

Who were these bizarre people? THE FUTURIST! noticed the female was carrying a small book or pamphlet with these words on the front, which were not obscured by her gloved hand:

PSYCHOLOGICAL ASPECTS OF HUMAN BODY LANGUAGE

The man had a small pair of binoculars in his left gloved hand. They both just stood there immobile as THE FUTURIST! trudged past them ... their eyes moving slowly in his direction. He nodded in a casual unassuming stranger meeting stranger manner. The woman slowly raised her hand to make a notation in her book as she watched THE FUTURIST!. They did not respond in any way to his nod of notification. THE FUTURIST! walked on and glanced back and saw them both looking around the tree they were planted in front of ... their attention on his passing form. The slight breeze stirred the fluffy feather-like material on their masks. He heard a murmur ... a hushed whisper from one or both of the odd strangers.

THE FUTURIST! walked on and felt his fear subside ... who were they? Were they insane? Was he insane? Was this a hallucination brought on by his throbbing head? Did this mean he had a tumor that caused images to be produced from his addled brain? His pace became quicker and doubled back down another path and returned to his home.

As he poured himself a small gin and tonic, he realized the headache was gone ... he felt fine. He had tried everything to relieve the pain, medication, naps, a hot shower, ice pack and even had to resort to calling his nemesis the infamous psychiatrist Dr. Alexander Porto, a physician known for his vast knowledge, his shady practices of treatment, his love of David Lynch films, his obsession with Japanese women and his reputation for being a horrible human being. Dr. Porto had told THE FUTURIST! that he could do nothing for him and that he had to suffer .. it was all in his mind, but a walk in the woods might help to alleviate the stress. Headaches, he said, were psychological - WAIT! Psychological!?? The book the girl had was a psychological tome of sorts. The girl ... that man ... Could it be? Was that man Dr. Porto and the woman his sexually charged manipulative vixen of a medical assistant Nurse Lutz? Was this some form of trickery to abuse THE FUTURIST!? He would not put it past Dr. Porto to do this ... to frighten him in a time of loneliness and pain.

THE FUTURIST! called Dr. Porto's office immediately and was put on hold. He listened to a recording of Black Moth Super Rainbow as he waited. Finally, Dr. Porto got on the line. THE FUTURIST! started off by reminding Porto of his call the night before. Dr. Porto replied, "I never spoke to you. You are mistaken. What are you talking about?" THE FUTURIST! became agitated and began again and asked if he had seen them in the woods with bird masks. THE FUTURIST! mentioned his headache and how Dr. Porto had said a walk might help the pain. Dr. Porto asked, "Pain? I never spoke to you, but do you have pain in your head?" THE FUTURIST! said it was gone, he felt better, the pain had still been there, but he had been frightened by the sight of these people in strange masks and then he felt the pain ebb away ...

"Ah, fright can do that, you know. It can aid in making pain dissipate. You should welcome the occasional fright ... the bizarre and uncanny. Sometimes, it can be your friend. Now, stop babbling and go about your odd life. I'm assisting Nurse Lutz in inserting sawdust into the body of a dead owl. She found it today in the woods. The little minx is taking a taxidermy class. You interrupted my aiding her in her homework. Goodbye, Fruitcake. Glad to hear the pain is gone. Don't get too excited. Or the headache will come back." And he hung up.

THE FUTURIST! was aggravated and exasperated. He decided to forget the Doctor and return to his Gin and Tonic. Unfortunately, his headache had decided to return to the Gin and Tonic, as well.