Monday, March 14, 2011

The Utter Despair NJ Mall Girl

This girl ...

... is the type of young girl you would see
at The Hive Shopping Mall in Utter Despair, N.J.

She and her friends walk blindly toward you with her iPod
connected to her head oblivious of her surroundings
chattering away to her similarly hyperbolic comrades.
She is breathless, frenetic like a chipmunk with a newly
discovered acorn and dressed in clothes purchased on her
parents' credit card which no retail employee
checks for signature verification.

She laughs like a cross between Richard Widmark in
KISS OF DEATH and early 1940s Woody Woodpecker.
She uses these words in quick succession as you pass her:

"Like ...Really? .. NO! ... Cute ... You're CRAZEE!"

If you should have to eat in The Hive Food Court
(and THE FUTURIST! prays for you, if you must)
try not to sit near her.
If you do, you will not be able to masticate or digest.
Her movements may induce acid reflux or motion sickness.
These effects will be further enhanced by The Hive Food Court menu.

And try, if you can, not to sit anywhere near her
at The Hive 16 Screen Mega-Plex Theater.
Her cell phone will beep, twirp and play muffled Justin Beiber music.

This has been a Public Service Posting by THE FUTURIST!
He cares about his readers and loves them all.

*Thanks to Olli Sulopuisto
THE FUTURIST!'s fine friend in Finland
for the irritating gif.


Dara said...

It's best to avoid consumerist hubs altogether I find - they're upsetting. Though I know TF!'s cinema is there. One must suck it up for the sake of cinema, I guess.


THE FUTURIST! uses the underground parking garage at The Hive Mall ... he then ascends to the upper level by an enclosed escalator very near the The Hive Super Screens. It's a short hop skip and a jump to the lobby.

Dara said...

Haha, nice. Don't get infected by the zombies.