Sunday, March 7, 2010

2009 Oscar Predictions with Guest Ghost James Whale


THE FUTURIST! is about to predict what he thinks will win in each of the 24 categories at tonight's 82nd Annual Academy Awards presentation. Many make their predictions based on the prior award winnings by some of the nominees, current buzz by critics, favoritism of the moment by the Hollywood elite or who played the best alcoholic, blind, homosexual, mentally challenged and made-to-look-uglier-than-they-really-are-in-real-life role. THE FUTURIST! does not use any of these techniques. Some believe THE FUTURIST! can foretell The Future ... and what he knows about The Future is that it is not bright and ends ugly for us all. AS to Oscar awards ... that was to be predicted with the aid of the supernatural.

THE FUTURIST! recently received a phone call from his neighbor Walter Bascom, a spiritual medium who lives two doors down from THE FUTURIST! in Utter Despair, N.J. Walter claimed that the ghost of Hollywood director James Whale had contacted him and said his spirit had been hovering about Utter Despair caught in a state of limbo. The Ghost of James Whale had been restless ever since his other-worldly dismay at Sir Ian McKellen losing the Best Actor Oscar to Roberto Benigni in 1998. Sir Ian portrayed James Whale in the film GODS AND MONSTERS. His spirit has been wandering depressed through the ether since that disappointing Oscar night.

The Ghost of James Whale: "Did you see that bloody ass climbing over the audience like a Borneo ape to take that award that was rightfully mine ... I mean, Sir Ian's, of course. Bloody disgrace it was."

The Ghost of James Whale
Dead Director of FRANKENSTEIN,
THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN and THE INVISIBLE MAN

The knowledge of an actual Hollywood director's ghostly presence in Utter Despair was shocking and THE FUTURIST! immediately made arrangements with Walter to ask The Ghost of James Whale to help him predict this year's Oscar winners.

THE FUTURIST!'s 2009 OSCAR PREDICTIONS
AIDED BY THE GHOST OF JAMES WHALE


Best Picture - THE HURT LOCKER

The Ghost of James Whale: "Oh, I agree, dear boy. Sweaty men defusing explosives is always a winner. Lots of phallic symbolism in that picture. And there was that scene where those brutes were punching each other and then one rode the other like a prize bull at the rodeo ... and they did this on their leisure time. Excellent sequence. It did, however, remind me a bit of my time in the trenches in WWI. But that would have been made less horrific if someone had rode me in such a charming, manly style. I mean, to get our minds off the bombs and such, that is. But, THE HURT LOCKER is a good prediction."

Best Director: KATHRYN BIGELOW

The Ghost of James Whale: "She's manly. Should could punch Elsa Lanchester through a prop wall. If she hadn't been wed to that vulgar Cameron character, I'd think she was a Lezzer"

Best Actor: JEFF BRIDGES

The Ghost of James Whale: "Quite good. He was such an Adonis when he was younger. Now, look at him. A grizzled weathered long haired smelly thing who thinks he's really a country singer. Personally, I like that Jeremy Renner. I've got an average sized explosive in my trousers he could defuse. Ha ha ha ... yes."

Best Actress: CAREY MULLIGAN

The Ghost of James Whale: "My dear, THE FUTURIST!, this dreary Sandy Bullock with a blond wig and that hoity attitude in that Christian film and Meryl Streep doing her usual accent driven drivel in a role that was a cartoon will cancel each other out between their respective base camps. That little English sprite from AN EDUCATION will take it in a surprise moment. Oh, she's a dear ... love to go clothes shopping with her. Now, if Jeremy Renner was a big queen, well ... he'd get my vote for Best Actor and Actress. Next?"

Best Supporting Actor: CHRISTOPHE WALTZ
Best Supporting Actress: MO'NIQUE


The Ghost of James Whale: "That Nazi piker was a bit queeny. I liked him. And that brutish mother in PRECIOUS will take it, too. Meanies prevail in this category."

Best Cinematography: THE HURT LOCKER

The Ghost of James Whale: "Not a lot of color ... lots of dirt. Grimy. Gray. Sweaty men ... I like. Could have used a dash of chartreuse. Those barracks needed color."

Best Costume Design: THE YOUNG VICTORIA

The Ghost of James Whale: "The Brits take this one, dear. It's about a Queen, damn it. Queens always dress well. Look at me, for God's sake! There's spectral proof in front of your eyes!"

Best Animated Feature: UP

The Ghost of James Whale: "I don't watch cartoons. I don't really care. I'm picking it because I'm thinking of Jeremy Renner and it's the first adverb/preposition that comes to mind. Well, part of me does. Oh, dear. boy, I'm batting a thousand in our little cricket match of vulgar euphemisms!"

Best Art Direction: SHERLOCK HOLMES

The Ghost of James Whale: "London looked wonderful. It might have been all painted back drops, stilted sets and such, but what marvel- What? CGI? What the Sod is CGI?"

Best Documentary Feature: THE COVE
Best Documentary Short:
CHINA'S UNNATURAL DISASTER: THE TEARS OF SICHUAN PROVINCE

The Ghost of James Whale: "Fish and the Chinese. Perfect together. I once had a delightful light entree of Chinese Flounder in a Ginger Sauce with vegetables at The Brown Derby in 1935. Charles Laughton was with me and so was Colin Clive."

Best Foreign Language Film: EL SECRETO DE SUS OJOS

The Ghost of James Whale: "Speaking of food, I had a El Secreto de Sus Ojos dish at an after Oscar soiree at Ramon Navarro's estate. I wanted seconds, but that damn Francis X.Bushman got there first."

Best Film Editing: THE HURT LOCKER

The Ghost of James Whale: "Very good cutting. The camera could have stayed on Jeremy Renner a bit more, though. Am I getting redundant?"

Best Makeup: STAR TREK

The Ghost of James Whale: "I'd vote for THE YOUNG VICTORIA, due to my Queen's have the best makeup theory, but this had odd looking beasties and such. It's a lock."

Best Original Score: SHERLOCK HOLMES

The Ghost of James Whale: "Hans Zimmer, isn't it? That reminds me of my first school boy crush. Hans Dustledorff. He was an exchange student. Oh, I wanted to exchange things with him so very much." * sigh *

Best Original Song: THE WEARY KIND from CRAZY HEART

The Ghost of James Whale: "Does anyone care? I like a Cole Porter tune, to be frank."

Best Short Film Animated: A MATTER OF LOAF AND DEATH
Best Short Film Live Action: INSTEAD OF ABRACADABRA

The Ghost of James Whale: "I don't watch these. I like looong things. Short is not an attention getter in my book, dear boy. These are guesses."

Best Sound Editing: AVATAR
Best Sound Mixing: AVATAR
Best Visual Effects: AVATAR


The Ghost of James Whale: "oh, those blue people get all of these. That movie was all bells and whistles. A ghost said to me, 'James, you didn't see AVATAR in 3D?' No, I didn't you ninny. I'm dead. I'm not even 1D myself."

Best Adapted Screenplay: UP IN THE AIR

The Ghost of James Whale: "Would it be appropriate for another Jeremy Renner inspired penis joke? Insert here. INSERT! Oh ... my .. word! I did it again!!"

Best Original Screenplay: INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

The Ghost of James Whale: "Lots of good dialogue and talking in this one. I love talking. Especially if it's bitchy gossip. Did you know Claude Rains wore lifts in his shoes? He did. He was a bloody midget."

Any last words, Ghost of James Whale?

"That Jeremy Renner is certainly a titillation. If only I were alive and it was a robust Summer day at my Hollywood estate circa 1937, I would gladly take the utmost pleasure in languishing lazily at poolside perusing the athletic knife-like diving of dear Jeremy in my Olympic-sized swimming pool. Later, I would paint his movie militarily funded physique in my art studio. I see him as a Pre-Raphaelite Pagan God, naked to the elements holding a - "

Thank you.

Let us see if The Ghost of James Whale is correct tomorrow.
THE FUTURIST! wishes to profusely thank Walter Bascom, Medium Rare and The Ghost of James Whale for this special blog posting in honor of The 82 Annual Academy Awards.

4 comments:

Dara said...

Those seem like pretty accurate (if overly graphic) predictions. Good work, James!

Robert said...

I cant watch them until tomorrow night so I'll be trying to avoid any info on who won all day tomorrow. I wonder if I'll make it!?

Dara said...

This was very accurate. I referred to it before the ceremony and most of them seemed to be spot on. Good work!

THE FUTURIST! said...

It seems that it wasn't the best predictions ... maybe a lot were stretches. The Ghost of James Whale has not returned to comment.