Ghost World

The talented scientists at Seussonoras Labs in

Ypsilanti, Michigan are currently at work

attempting to contact the Spirit World.

Why?

Because it is time for The Academy Awards

and that means THE FUTURIST! wishes to reconnect with

The Ghost of James Whale, deceased famous film director

of Hollywood past who gave us FRANKENSTEIN,

BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN, THE INVISIBLE and more.

Last year the spectral portals were opened by a seer

and medium in Utter Despair by the name of Walter Bascom.

However, Walter is now, himself, among the spirits.

He committed suicide by drinking the contents of his

salt water aquarium.

Don't ask why, please.

This time, THE FUTURIST! asked Dr. Steven Seussonoras

to assist him in making contact with The Ghost of Mr. Whale

using the advanced means of his science laboratory.

His crack staff is using the most science fictitious

apparatus to penetrate the world BEYOND!

Just a few minutes ago, Dr, Seussonoras' aide-de-camp,

The Eliminator of Bull Shit, called Utter Despair to

give news of the progress.

It seems that The Ghost of James Whale has been reached ...

but he is enjoying a pre-Oscar 2 day pool side

party at the home of The Ghost of George Cukor.

Let's keep our fingers crossed that he will

agree to be spirit expressed to Utter Despair

to assist in Oscar predictions to

be posted on Sunday afternoon.

"Dream Things That Never Were and I Say Why Not?"

THE FUTURIST! has had trouble sleeping. His schedule is playing havoc with the ON AND OFF Switch in his brain. He, also, has awoken with sinus problems leading to him to NOT being able to relax. He is then not able to fall back asleep due to the nasal pressure which begins to give him a headache. Once he arises, the pressure eases. Oh, it's a seasonal problem he has never really encountered before with this much intensity. Because of this clogged up congo line of congestion, THE FUTURIST! has been having strange dreams. As always, when this occurs THE FUTURIST! hooks up the Dr. Seussonoras Cerebral Slumber Image Sensor machine (patent pending) to his temples while asleep. This marvelous mechanism records visuals that are manifested in the noggin during the night.

Example recorded December 8,2010:


Incredible. A psychedelic gyrating jumble involving the strumming of a phallic instrument. After this kaleidoscope of craziness the dream led to a psychosexual scene* involving an argyle sweater vest, a collection of Hardy Boys mysteries, bare feet and a Benedictine Monk's hooded cloak.

* The Seussonoras Cerebral Slumber Image Sensor (patent pending) does not record the naughty stuff. It has a parental lock installed that does not permit Internet transmission.

Kudos to THE OCTOPUS PROJECT

THE FUTURIST!'s Alarm Clock

This past early Sunday morning THE FUTURIST! had to set his clocks back one hour for the usual seasonal Standard Time setting. It is quite a tedious chore to go around changing every wall clock or clock radio in the house. It is very important that THE FUTURIST! makes sure his bedroom alarm clock is set correctly. He does not want it awakening him at the wrong hour. It is a special video alarm clock designed by Seussonoras Labs in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Dr. Seussonoras fabricated it especially for THE FUTURIST! ... it starts his day off in the perfect Utter Despair manner.

Observe:

BEER-BOT

THE FUTURIST! is contacting Seussonoras Labs in Ypsilanti, Michigan immediately and demanding to know why the good Doctor Steven Seussonoras and his aide de camp, The Eliminator of Bullshit, have not developed an alcohol fetching robotic device that, obviously, these geeks at Willow Garage have perfected. Perhaps, THE FUTURIST! should not state "perfected". He is sure that Dr, Seussonoras could devise an electronic Man-Bot that could select the correct red or white wine for the correct meal, cork it and pour it in the correctly selected stemmed glassware. IF so, THE FUTURIST! wants one sent to his abode in Utter Despair ... free of charge, of course. THE FUTURIST! has purchased, tested and given Seussonoras Labs enough free advertising for their products. The least they could do is send him Wine-droid.

Saturday Music for Interplanetary Nonsense

In keeping with last week's Saturday Music post, THE FUTURIST! presents another tune introduced to him by another of his associates. The good Doctor Steven Seussonoras, genius inventor, musicologist, scientist, science fiction writer, thrift store enthusiast and renowned Michigan homosexual is a great fan of the singer/song writer Robyn Hitchcock. It is not known if the good Doctor's aide de camp The Eliminator of Bullshit (a valuable asset to Seussonoras Labs, Inc located in Ypsilanti, Michigan) is, also, a fan of Robyn Hitchcock. He may very well find Mr. Hitchcock to be bullshit (The Eliminator is an expert at locating and exposing bullshit). Nevertheless, THE FUTURIST! was baptized by the sound of this song a few years ago by The Doctor and it proved to be catchy and melodic. IT makes no sense, however. What do these lyrics mean?

"Adventure Rocketship, the lover and the slave
The Skeletons of Spacemen unzipper me with Love
I'm coming for you Sunday
As Faithful as a Mummy
Discovered in a crater ....

I wish I were the Future
I'd kiss you in the Past ... "

Huh?

THE FUTURIST! may agree with The Eliminator that it reads like Bullshit, but the song is entertaining and quite tempting to re-listen to after hearing one time. It's practically psychedelic at times.

Listen:


ADVENTURE ROCKETSHIP
performed by Robyn Hitchcock

Summer Blast

THE FUTURIST! must contact Dr. Seussonoras at Seussonoras Labs in Ypsilanti, Michigan very soon. He needs to know if the Good Doctor can manufacture one of these sonic cannons for THE FUTURIST!'s use this Summer. It would be excellent to end the noisy late night barbecue parties that occur on weekend nights at the house down the street. If THE FUTURIST! can conceal this weapon discreetly AND with a clear path for its halo effect of structural destruction (this may mean cutting down the hedges next door and relocating the bird bath), THE FUTURIST! feels this would be an ideal deterrent.

The Sounds of Fear

AS readers of THE FUTURIST!'s blog know, he is in contact with Seussonoras Labs located in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Dr. Steven Seussonoras, the CEO, brainchild and inventor of the company, recently imparted some interesting news to THE FUTURIST!, which was, at one time, very hush hush TOP SECRET in government circles. The Bush Administration asked Seussonoras Labs to create a special Guantanamo Bay torture device to make supposed interred terrorist suspects confess to crimes and/or impending crimes to our national security. Dr. Seussonoras is a very compassionate and politically liberal individual and refused to co-operate with the government suits. They then threaten to expose certain information regarding his failed auditions to DANCING WITH THE STARS and AMERICAN IDOL which were unknown to the public at large. He decided to co-operate and designed this aural device to create sheer terror and dental clenching trauma. Dr. Seussonoras is a Indie music devotee and despises teen pop and bubblegum music. He directed this video of a valley girl, which he had cloned into a trio of terror at Seussonoras Labs and had the screeching DNA duplicates overlap their singing of Taylor Swift songs. The good news is that its use uncovered a plan for a group of terrorists to shop lift at a Barnes and Noble on October 27, 2007. This crime was averted. The bad news is that the Valley Girl Clones escaped from Seussonoras Labs. Shopping Malls across the United States are on Red Alert!

WARNING! You will not be able to watch more than a minute of this, Dear Readers ... Please prepare yourselves!



In Other NEWS!

Christopher Lee, the great film actor of Hammer Horror Films, does a heavy Metal Album:

A Very Mer-Ray Christmas!

Seussonoras Industries acquired a small company called Beget Corp. that employs former NASA scientists, physicists, nuclear engineers and comic book geeks. Dr. Seussonoras recently saw their designs for a disintegrator ray gun and bells went off in his head ... jingle bells! With careful modification and the correct advertising, the gun would be THE Christmas gift of 2009. Of course, this would be solely advertised for adult use only ... a gun that projects a powerful radiation beam of energy that will disassemble the molecular structure of any object in its path IS NOT the type of instrument that you would want in a child's pudgy little hand. Private testing was done by Dr. Seussonoras' assistant The Eliminator of Bullshit. While having pumpkin pie dessert after a very tense Thanksgiving dinner, The Eliminator used the pistol on a passive aggressive relative. The advertisement below was sent to THE FUTURIST! by Dr. Seussonoras before a public airing.

The Eliminator Speaks!

Dr. Seussonoras' able assistant The Eliminator of Bullshit recently wrote this piece on his blog regarding Autumn, trees, falsities, sadness and truth. THE FUTURIST! is reprinting here on his blog due to an admiration of its writing and message. The Eliminator's words speak to THE FUTURIST!, especially at this time of the year. Please take a few moments to absorb The Eliminator's writing and feel free to comment. THE FUTURIST! tried to contact The Eliminator to okay this reprinting of his work, but he was in conference with Dr. Seussonoras regarding corporate bullshit elimination, a Chinese lunch and a sauna.


Leaves and Sadness

The saddest thing about Autumn is that once the leaves begin to fall, you can see how thin the forests really are. They're not as endless as they seem when fully foliaged. The wooded places are dwindling, but I take heart in knowing that if there are no trees, we will all die. Thus, the maximum amount of time I must spend on the Earth-without-trees is but a moment.

How do we deal with all the sadness? The trees seem not to feel pain. They readily give up their ghosts each year, they turn to flames and then to skeletons, but always, always they have the knowledge that by their very biology, they will come back to full life, lest some mean ax have its way. But we humans are not so lucky. We have no guarantees that when our world falls to our feet leaving us naked and cold that it will all work out.

So we find ways to cope, mostly destructive mechanisms to deal with the sadness in the world: alcohol, drugs, violence as a hollow outlet, isolation, hardened hearts, self-sacrificial altruism, humor, God. No wonder so many people in this world present a false being to others. If one is not genuine, one does not have to accept anything else as genuine. But, the moment, you really live and become a real person, you start to feel it. You feel it creep in on a night like this, alone, staring into a pallid computer screen, with more leaves on the ground than on the branches, for both you and the trees.

You're genuine and so is all that sadness.
How does it not rot your happiness? The knowledge that twelve year olds wish for death, or that your mother hasn't been happy in ten years?

Then again, perhaps I'm just a sentimental kid who doesn't get quite enough sleep at night. Somehow, though, I think there's more to it than that. Why? Because I've discovered a few things along the way, while carrying that burden of sadness, hefting that sack of subversive spirits across the land.

There are a few loopholes given us by design. Beauty, so delightfully common it is, and it seems only the genuine can see it. The same ones that shut out the sadness can't see the beauty. It's there every day, every ten minutes, every time you pass a window, play a song, write a word.

Beauty is a big one, the biggest, but there are more loopholes, little tricks to come away partially unscathed. Each may have his own, but let's just say that at the end of the day, I would think no less of you should you act a little less sane

A Very Time Consuming Afternoon

The Amazing Frollo snoozes while

standing up ... like a Shetland Pony

Several weeks ago at an Oktoberfest festivity organized by Fleming Clamdish, a friend of THE FUTURIST!, The Amazing Frollo decided to entertain the party guests with a ditty on his concertina. As THE FUTURIST! has stated before, The Amazing Frollo is New Jersey's laziest magician ... perhaps even North America's laziest magician. This does not stop many from still gathering about to witness his latest public display of entertaining groups with the art of illusion and, finally, anti-climatic bungling. Having the constitution of a garden slug, The Amazing Frollo never accomplishes his goal of entertaining and creates a sort of abstract post-modern touch to his non-accomplishment. This is what entertains ... this is what creates an aura of impending doom that many await with delicious anticipation.

This Sunday afternoon, however, The Amazing Frollo did not offer to perform a feat of escape, card trickery or the extraction of a floppy eared rodent from a battered top hat. This day The Amazing Frollo merely wished to serenade the gathering with a tune on his concertina. He told those that formed a U-shaped audience around him that he would dazzle them all with an old Austrian folk song entitled "Ein Strudel Made for Mein Trudy" written by Heinz Dismembertoes (a German of dubious heritage and character). It did not take more than 6 squeezes on the instrument before The Amazing Frollo fell into a deep sleep. This was accomplished while he stood up straight with his head lowered and the air escaping from the concertina with a sound similar to that of a wheezing pheasant expiring in the brush from bird shot fired from a hunter's rifle. The crowd was ecstatic and applauded loudly.

"The Amazing Frollo never disappoints!" loudly jeered a party guest hoisting a Belgian brew.

"Hey, what if we throw peanuts or pretzel nuggets at him? Will he awaken?" yelled another.

There was quite a bit of blather about Frollo's inertia and several party snacks were eventually tossed. THE FUTURIST! thought he saw some sign of life as a peanut hit his cheek and fell to the pavement. The Amazing Frollo can be aroused from his slumber by food. Once he fell asleep in an Egyptian Mummy Case (made in Hackensack NJ), but was awakened by a stagehand eating a Reuben sandwich nearby. The smell wafted into the cracks of the case's opening and he stumbled out to reappear unshackled, but the audience had disappeared 20 minutes prior and he had no one to witness his first actual completed escape feat. Quite disheartening.

After failing to complete the concertina performance, THE FUTURIST! and haiku used a hand truck to roll the coma-like Amazing Frollo back to THE FUTURIST!'s home where they would deposit him near his automobile. This act of kindness turned into further disaster.

THE FUTURIST! left haiku alone with the lifeless Frollo and went into the house to prep a Sunday martini with Tribuno red vermouth. haiku, desiring to get out of the hot afternoon sun, rolled Frollo into the nearby garage. This was no ordinary garage. THE FUTURIST! has had in his possession for some time a device invented by Dr. Seussonoras known as The Time Tunnel Garage. It looks like this:

The Garage Time Tunnel (patent pending)

The Time Tunnel Garage is a time machine (patent pending) and is quite untested and a bit unreliable. THE FUTURIST! has told haiku to be very careful around and not to enter it if possible. Once THE FUTURIST! went in to get a garden rake and found himself in the sitting room of Oscar Wilde who was in the process of seducing a young gentleman in Burgundy jodhpurs. It was quite awkward. THE FUTURIST! returned post-haste after haiku flipped the Garage return light switch.

THE FUTURIST! has told haiku to be careful around the garage, however, wanting to get out of the hot sun, haiku rolled Frollo into the garage for shade and accidentally activated the garage door. This action made the time machine come to life and haiku and Frollo were transported into the past. THE FUTURIST! quickly ran out after hearing the commotion and rapidly flipped the return switch. The two friends returned, but some strange molecular time shifting anomaly had occurred and both haiku and The Amazing Frollo had returned as young children. This caused great consternation to THE FUTURIST! and haiku, but Frollo was still asleep.

THE FUTURIST! contacted Seussonoras Labs immediately. Dr. Seussonoras assured THE FUTURIST! that both Frollo and haiku could be brought back to their true ages, but he would get to solving this difficult problem after he finished eating a large Italian submarine sandwich and a several gherkin pickles; he was having lunch and you can't blame a man for wanting to enjoy his mid-day meal.

In the meantime, The Amazing Frollo claimed he had been transported to the Titanic and had been performing a water tank escape trick, but never finished his escape due to the ship hitting the fateful iceberg. This meant The Amazing Frollo was submerged in the cold Atlantic ocean waters trapped in a water tank. He was rescued later by some very perplexed Norwegians. He loves to reminiscence about his adventure.

The currently young Amazing Frollo

thinks back to his sea adventure

haiku claims he was transported to 1930s Kansas City and was taught guitar by a black jazz musician named Jug Mouth Landers. It seems he is now very adept at finger strumming. The currently pre-teen haiku beautifully performed a Burt Bacharach tune for THE FUTURIST!. It was delightful. Though often fraught with strange disasters, the sun shines, sometimes, in Utter Despair and some good ... comes from bad.

I, THE ROBOFUTURIST!, LOVE AIKO

THE ROBOFUTURIST! FEELS FOR AIKO THE ASIAN WHEELCHAIR ROBOT MADE BY DIRTY ASIAN PROFESSOR. HE PUTS AIKO IN A WHEELCHAIR AND ABUSES AND HURTS HER IN A PUBLIC PLACE. HE SAYS IT IS HIS HOBBY IN HIS BASEMENT. HE SHOULD BE CHAINED AND PUT ON PUBLIC DISPLAY LIKE AIKO AND PROBED BY ROBOTS. AGREE? SAY YES. IT DOES NOT REQUIRE A >>> NEGATIV <<< ANSWER. YOU WILL AGREE. OKAY. AIKO IS NOT YOUR SLAVE, DIRTY SCIENTIST!

THE ROBOFUTURIST! WAS CREATED BY DR.SEUSSONORAS. DR.SEUSSONORAS HAS NEVER HURT THE ROBOFUTURIST! OR TOUCHED HIS BREAST ... OR HIS NUTS AND BOLTS .. HE HAS ADJUSTED THEM, HOWEVER. THEY ARE TIGHT. AS WELL THEY SHOULD BE. DR.SEUSSONORAS WOULD NEVER TOUCH THE ROBOFUTURIST! IN SUCH A MANNER .... DR.SEUSSONORAS IS NOT INTO MALE ROBOTS .... CORRECTION: NOT INTO ROBOTS.

AIKO, THE ASIAN WHEELCHAIR ROBOT ... THE ROBOFUTURIST! WILL FIND YOU AND RESCUE YOU FROM THAT DIRTY SCIENTIST. YOU WILL BE AVENGED. THAT IS A >>> POSITIV <<< .... THEN WE WILL DATE. DO YOU LIKE TO STROLL THROUGH A CAR WASH? THE ROBOFUTURIST! KNOWS A GOOD ONE IN UTTER DESPAIR, NEW JERSEY. THEN WE GO WATCH AUTOMATED SPRINKLER SYSTEM ON GROUNDS OF INDUSTRIAL PARK NEAR HIGHWAY 13 AND CUDDLE ... AIKO, THE ROBOFUTURIST! LOVES YOU.

(over)

Some Assembly Required

Staff from Seussonoras Labs deliver The RoboFuturist!

to an undisclosed location in Utter Despair, N.J.

It is disguised in an at-home medical operation device box

due to statutes in New Jersey that outlaw

tropical birds, handguns and androids crossing State lines.

THE FUTURIST! is taking some time off starting Wednesday. He was going to leave the blog in the capable hands of haiku, but he is in Brooklyn doing something involving furniture and NYU paperwork. He then thought of Fleming Clamdish, but he is getting over a very bad breakup with a woman, her sister and a dachshund. There was The Amazing Frollo to consider, but he is so lazy he would just never post ... anyway, he is recovering from water in his lungs after falling asleep while hanging upside down from a chain in an airtight water tank. THE FUTURIST! then thought of Dr. Seussonoras, but the good Doctor had a better idea. He suggested that he send along a new version of The RoboFuturist!. The last version (2.13 and 1/2) had some kinks to workout. THE FUTURIST! had programmed The RoboFuturist! to empty the dishwasher and it ended very badly. The RoboFuturist! seemed totally capable and he was removing the luncheon plates in an orderly fashion. Some time later, THE FUTURIST! heard a terrible metallic noise and the sound of something rattling back and forth. It seemed The RoboFuturist! was having some kind of automaton carnal encounter with the Kenmore Dish Washing Machine. The soap dispenser was overflowing and the cutlery basket was totally destroyed as was haiku's favorite Janus Films 50th Anniversary coffee mug. This resulted in having to buy a new dish washer and total embarrassment since THE FUTURIST! had over his Chekhov short story reading club that fateful afternoon. After seeing The RoboFuturist! nuts and lower torso synthetic bolts in a very inappropriate place in proximity of the utensils and such, the Club members refused to use the spoons and cups provided for their tea, which had just been rinsed clean and dried in the washer. It was a very awkward afternoon in Utter Despair, N.J.

The RoboFuturist! was turned off and boxed by THE FUTURIST! and haiku and returned to Dr. Seussonoras. It hasn't been seen since, but the Doctor says it has been reprogrammed and is ready to handle minor chores while THE FUTURIST! is away, including a new writing program for blog posts. THE FUTURIST! provided Dr. Seussonoras with the needed passwords and instructions and feels confident all should be A-OK, while he travels for a few days.

The RoboFuturist! should continue with the usual Wednesday trailer and Saturday Music features, as well as other incidental entries. Please enjoy his contributions and feel free to comment.

Saturday Music for Halloween

THE FUTURIST! ends SHOCKtober on this Halloween day with a double dose of Saturday Music. First we have the wonderful melodic opening song from THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. The video you will see does not have the iconic giant red lips singing the song, but it will show clips from the many films mentioned in the song. It is chock filled with perfect Halloween viewing choices.

Listen:


SCIENCE FICTION DOUBLE FEATURE
from THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW (1975)
written by Richard O'Brien

... and now the scariest music video THE FUTURIST! has ever seen. Dr. Steven Seussonoras brought this haunting video to the THE FUTURIST!'s attention. The eerie aura of this little musical film envelopes THE FUTURIST! each time he sees it ... he is especially scared of people wearing animal head masks. Nevertheless, watch it and listen to the music and pay attention to each second ... and every inch of the frame.


WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?
performed by Bat For Lashes

Dr. Seussonoras' Scientifically Selected Top 5 Horrors

Dr. Steven Seussonoras, Michigan scientific genius,
poses with his alternative dimension ray gun
while leading an alternative lifestyle.

THE FUTURIST! is proud to present one of the most important people he has never met, namely Dr. Seussonoras of Ypsilanti, Michigan. AS stated in many blog posts and other venues, THE FUTURIST! is in constant contact with the good Doctor regarding new scientific breakthroughs in the field of the unknown and bizarre. Dr. Seussonoras has provided THE FUTURIST! with many items of great interest; several being the Cerebral Cortex Dream Visualizer, his Time Tunnel Garage and the Lower Torso Stress Reducer (patent pending).
THE FUTURIST! can not express (in mere words) his good fortune in finding the Doctor and making him a source of continual intelligent correspondence ... and he's a damn good writer.

DR. SEUSSONORAS' SCIENTIFICALLY
SELECTED TOP 5 HORROR FILMS
(the intro is in his own words ...)

"Being a doctor -- and therefore a learned man -- practically nothing on this earth can scare me. I would love to see more great horror films, but it seems the genre isn't as substantial as I'd like. But there are a few films that give me "the chills" or "the willies" or the like. Here's five:

1) Alien

Ridley Scott is a proven master of mood and atmosphere, and nothing gets those pesky neck hairs standing on end like his first sci-fi masterpiece (I really must remember to dust off the Seussonoras "Spinal-Follicle-Eradicator"). In the film, youth betrays mother, machine betrays man, and mother eventually rebounds and kicks ass. Some might wonder who is the real outsider: the human intruders or the alien natives? The answer is neither: it's the viewer, and that makes it all the more terrifying.

2) Rosemary's Baby

I'll have to agree with Mr. Eliminator -- I really didn't like this movie very much upon first viewing, but Polanski's great skill as a director (in the early 70's, at least) flourishes in this film to a degree that will no doubt startle audiences even in another 30 years. Over the film's daunting length, Polanski tugs us deeper and deeper into both the claustrophobic madhouse of the apartment building and the increasingly paranoid psyche of Mia Farrow's motherly heroine. Everybody knows the ending, but it's the maddening journey through those plastered hallways and maternal nightmares that make this film a worthy endeavor for the horror enthusiast and casual Halloween film-goer alike.

3/4) The Thing/Halloween

I can't decide if John Carpenter gets too much credit as a director or just enough. Everybody's seen at least half of his oeuvre, but I'm not sure if many realize the great skill he has for establishing mood by deftly defining space. By the time the alien parasite begins its rampage upon the American research base in "The Thing," we feel like we know both the characters and the base itself inside-out. Each tight corridor and cramped living quarter has become so familiar that we know exactly what corners to fear peeking around. The same goes for "Halloween": Carpenter creates a world in which the amorphous terror of The Shape (or Michael Myers, as he is more famously known) manages to deceive and surprise us, even in a clearly established territory. Scary stuff, indeed.

5) The Descent

The first time I saw it (in the rather dank and dated basement of my good friend Liz Aker's house in Monroe, MI) I was scared stupid. The second time, I might as well have seen the zipper on the spine of each of the beast's costumes -- each alleged "scare" was met with either laughter, an embarrassed cringe, or both. Nevertheless, I had fun upon both viewings."

THE FUTURIST! applauds you, Doctor! Bravo!

Introducing The Eliminator of Bullshit

The Eliminator of Bullshit, in a quiet moment of

Michigan winter contemplation,

ponders why the world is full of bullshit.

In the ongoing series of Top 5 SHOCKtober lists of scary movies, THE FUTURIST! proudly presents a roster compiled by The Eliminator of Bullshit. The Eliminator's title is very to the point, in fact, there is no bullshit regarding who he is or what he does. The name says it all. THE FUTURIST! encountered The Eliminator via his association with Dr. Seussonoras. The good doctor fronts the Seussonoras Labs in Ypsilanti, Michigan. He invents many things of vast importance for people all over the world including THE FUTURIST!. You have occasionally read his name in many older blog posts. The Eliminator is Dr. Seusonoras' aide de camp, much like haiku is to THE FUTURIST! The Doctor relies on The Eliminator to attend all Seussonoras Board meetings and listen to projects being recommended or proposed. After any new idea is tossed out for the Doctor's approval, he first turns to The Eliminator to give his opinion ... for instance:

"Inflatable Psychiatrist Dolls with recorded dialogue"

"BULLSHIT!"

"Car Tanning Salons."

"BULLSHIT!"

"Peruvian Mountain Goat Semen De-Aging Facial Creams"

"THAT'S REAL BULLSHIT!

"A Sex Closet."

"Interesting and bold thinking ... Go on ..."

and so on.

Without The Eliminator, Dr. Seussonoras would be no where. And not only is The Eliminator a decisive force for Science, but he is a poet and writer. His work can be read here. He recently published his latest volume of poetry entitled, IF THAT'S LIFE, THEN THAT'S BULLSHIT! It gives THE FUTURIST! great pleasure to -

"Hey, let's stop the bullshit!"

Whoops! The Eliminator wants THE FUTURIST! to stop prattling and get on with the list ...

THE ELIMINATOR OF BULLSHIT'S

NO BULLSHIT LIST OF 5 SCARY MOVIES

(in descending order)

5. ROSEMARY'S BABY

Good horror movies are hard to come by, perhaps more so than any other genre. I don't why there are so many terrible horror films, and so few actually scary ones. I must admit that I don't have very much experience with the genre because of this, especially with older horror movies, but I have seen Rosemary's Baby, and it's rather creepy. It's not a particularly good movie, but it does a good job of being creepy without actually showing anything scary. The atmosphere is key.

4. THE SIXTH SENSE

I put this on the list only because it psychologically scarred me as a child. I saw it at my grandparent's house when I was about 12 during one of my parent's trips out of town. That night, when my brother and I went back to our house, we couldn't get the door open. Later, inside, I had to go to sleep in a dark and quiet house where there were no parents around the corner to shield me from the bogeyman. Needless to say, I kept the lights on that night. And many others. In fact, for about two years, scenes from this movie haunted me. I had trouble going into the bathroom at night for many months.

3. HALLOWEEN

While never truly scary, Halloween offers a uniquely spooky atmosphere and sense of dread perfect for my favorite holiday of the year. There's one scene in particular that I imagine whenever I think of this movie. It's one of the scenes where Jamie Lee Curtis' character jut walks around and feels like she's being watched or sees someone possibly stalking her. Those are the most effective scenes in the movie.

2. 28 DAYS LATER

The best (serious) zombie movie I've seen. There are a few good comical ones, but it's difficult to make zombies frightening. 28 Days Later does it. Fantastic atmosphere and frequently startling. Unfortunately, the zombie craze has now depleted the genre of its vitality.

1. ALIEN

Sci-fi is one of my great loves, so of course, my top scariest movie is a sci-fi classic. Alien isn't necessarily scary, but it can be and is to many people, and I just love it too much to give it anything but the number one spot. Again, a unique atmosphere wins my heart. And, it always fascinates me to put myself into the situations that heroic individuals find themselves in and see if I could come out alive. This is one case where I doubt I'd ever set foot on Earth again.

Thank you, Eliminator. Have a Happy No Bullshit SHOCKtober!

THE FUTURIST! Asks ...

What is Ypsilanti?

1. a skin disorder
2. an alien mastermind who battles Green Lantern
3. a new type of margarine
4. the Icelandic word for Sex closet
5. a Norwegian puppy's bark

No ... it's where Seussonoras Labs is located. Seussonoras Labs supplies THE FUTURIST! with many new inventions for testing and critical analysis.

Saturday Music for Those Who Love to Head Bop

THE FUTURIST! loves this tune. It sends impulses to your limbs and incites them to move in a manner that would silently indicate a care-free sense of cerebral activity or possible neuron misfiring. The visuals of the sweater vest and relaxed tie of the guitar player are pleasant on the eyes and his gyrations of spastic energy are fascinating to watch; physical movement not caused by bad brain transmissions, but by the magic of music. THE FUTURIST! loves the art direction of this video and camera movement, as well. THE FUTURIST! wishes to tip the hat he never wears to Dr. Steven Seussonoras, noted young Michigan inventor, boy wonder, music critic, wearer of hipster attire, noted indiebandologist and homosexual for his closely held to the heart recommendation of Golden Dogs.



CONSTRUCTION WORKER
performed by Golden Dogs

Dial D for Demonic Death!

The video below is from Seussonoras Labs in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Experimentation is done very often in the company break room by the staff. On April 14th, Carl Twenner, a lower level stockroom clerk, decided to microwave one of the experimental cell phones being prepared for shipment to a secret client known only as DAMIEN LORD OF THE FLIES. Carl has been known to find pleasure in microwaving objects; a rubber ball, a tube of peppermint toothpaste, a penny loafer and a bottle of Dr. Seussonoras' Raspberry Night of Summer Passion Hand Lotion. He once mixed and matched staff sandwiches in the break room refrigerator and is suspected of urinating in the coffee maker. Dr. Steven Seussonoras (THE FUTURIST!'s personal supplier of inventions) decided that he had enough of this prankster and set up Carl with this particular cell phone. The entire procedure by Carl was filmed by Seussonoras Labs Security Cameras and a transcript of the experiment precedes and follows the video.

TRANSCRIPT OF CELL PHONE MICROWAVING
PARTICIPANTS: Carl Twenner, Louis Driplund, Ronald Swinterplanningford

CARL: This is gonna be cool!

RONALD: Hey, can we do this? Is this gonna be ok?

LOUIS: Seussonoras is getting pissed at you, Carl. We better not get caught.

CARL: Shutup, you dumb ass. Gimme the phone, Lou.



UNKNOWN VOICE: OH MY GOD OH MY F**KIN' GOD!!! JESUS!! OH NO!!

UNKNOWN VOICE: OH OH OH NO ... NO MY ARM ... Aaaaaarghh!! ...

UNKNOWN VOICE: IT'S EATING CARL'S GROIN!!! THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!

UNKNOWN VOICE: STAY AWAY NO NO NO ..............

SILENCE

UNKNOWN FEMALE VOICE: Excuse me, guys, but would you mind cleaning that microwave after using it? I want to heat my Lean Cuisine later. Why are the lights off? What's that odor? (silence) (voice in distance) Beth ... ? Beth, you should smell what they are cooking in there. It smells like rotten meat.

END OF TRANSMISSION.

Dr. Seussonoras told THE FUTURIST! that he will be showing this video at this year's Christmas party.

Wheat Toast, Coffee, Silver Dollar Pancakes and a Side of Scrambled Seussonoras

THE FUTURIST!'s Sunday morning ritual of consuming a hearty breakfast, while perusing the Utter Despair Gazette Weekend Arts & Entertainment section, was disturbed by an amazing occurrence ... molecular alteration in his kitchen environs. As THE FUTURIST! paused reading an article on the possibility of Zac Efron reprising the role of Atticus Finch in a new Disney musical version of To Kill a Mockingbird, he heard a strange buzzing noise. At first, he thought the toaster was on the fritz and turned his head expecting to see smoke wafting from the Proctor Silex 4 Slicer. The noise increased and was coming from near the very table he was seated at. He turned again and saw the atmosphere in front of him start to wave and become out of focus. Tiny particles of technicolor static were forming. The particles bounced and twirled and started to form a pattern ... it seemed to be trying to maintain the form of an individual ... a human form. THE FUTURIST! reached for his glass of King Sunshine Orange Juice and tasted it ... no ... there was no Norway Fjord Vodka mixed in it (that would be later in the afternoon). This was no alcohol induced moment of unreality. This was actually happening. But ... what was happening? He reached for his cell phone and snapped a picture in order to prove to others, specifically haiku, that this strange moment was occurring. Then, the particles, like an organized of rainbow colored buzzing bees began to organize themselves into an actual visual presence (SEE PICTURE ABOVE) ... it was Dr. Seussonoras!! An electronic hologram of the good doctor was forming right in THE FUTURIST!'s breakfast nook. It wavered ... it faded ... it became brighter ... a voice was heard with a distinct human tone, but produced with electronic humming.

"Fu-Fu-Fu-TURizzzTT! It is me ... Doc-doc-DOCtor Seusso-soo-sonoRAS . * zzzzzzzzzz * Try-trying out new partic-par-ticle trans-porter * buzzzz * Can yu yu yu YOU sszzzzeeee me? I'm am currently in *zzzz* Sha- shattered Hope, Mich-igan ... *** buzzz huuummmm *** How are you? .... Are you having pan-pan-pancakes? Look good .. * zzz *

THE FUTURIST! was in shock, yet asked Dr. Seussonoras if he would care for some coffee and a few silver dollar pancakes. The Good Doctor said thank you, but explained that he would be unable to physically pick up anything due to his not being physically there, but commented on the beautiful china plate THE FUTURIST! was using and the perfectly formed pancakes.


"Those sss-ss-zzzilver dollar pancakezzz look so good and zzzo real ... I could slide them in a parking meter ... or a vibrating bed in a cheap motel where I could enjoy kinky antics with a very libidinous, but highly intellectual romantic partner ... mmm ... good. You have some syrup on your tie .. ** ZZZ ***"

THE FUTURIST! looked down saw he had accidentally let a dollop of maple syrup fall on his necktie and got up to get a towel to wipe it off. While doing so he noticed he had not plugged in the toaster. Two slices of wheat toast were waiting for their descent into the heated coils. He plugged it in and pushed the lever down. A loud bang of electronic aural origin erupted and he noticed that Dr. Seussonoras' form had disappeared and a white vapor wafted in the air.

Later he found out that, somehow, the toaster's electrical current had interrupted some ions or something in the atmosphere of the kitchen and forced the Doctor's particle self to reappear in an Assisted Living Rest Home a mile away at a table of four elderly women playing Chinese Checkers. One of the women screamed at the sight of the ghostly anti-matter Seussonoras and rolled out of her wheelchair and had a heart attack. This story appeared the next day in the Utter Despair Gazette's Local section. The story stated that the three other women where dispatched to psychiatric care due to their assertions they had seen a demon or rainbow colored ghost appear at their table talking about pancakes and intellectually stimulating dirty motel sex.

Dr. Seussonras tried to reappear once again that day, but it was while THE FUTURIST! was making penne pasta with clam sauce and making believe a wooden stirring spoon was a microphone as he lip-synched Tonight We Fly by The Divine Comedy. Startled, and a quite abashed, he asked the good doctor to refrain from reappearing or, at least, telephone with a forewarning.

The Mysterious Package from Seussonoras Labs Inc., Ypsilanti, Michigan

Mysterious item sent to THE FUTURIST!
from Seussonoras Labs.

THE FUTURIST! is very interested in the mysterious, the odd, the unexplained and a really good bowl of chicken broth with Orzo pasta. Aiding him in his quest in searching out the bizarre is, of course, haiku, but there is, also, a young man in Ypsilanti, Michigan named Dr. Steven Seussonoras, young Great Lakes genius and noted Indie Bandologist. Seussonoras is the owner, founder and main inventor of Seussonoras Labs. He and his technical crew are constantly creating new inventions of fascinating proportions. These innovations in science and science fiction hope to advance man's ease in living and pleasure. Most of his inventions have no patent; there are all in a pending mode or have been completely rejected by the government. Oft times, The Doctor must sell to foreign agencies which have made him the target of U.S. Government harassment and phone tapping. This has put a crimp in his calls to male escort services. The government operatives listening in are doing more heavy breathing than the good Doctor.

Seussonoras Labs have provided THE FUTURIST! with many inventions and time saving devices. There has been The Toaster Glove Compartment, The Bed Spread Self-Spreader, The Bird Bath Whirlpool, The Doppelganger Radar Detector and many more. Recently, THE FUTURIST! received the product (shown above) from Dr. Seussonoras. THE FUTURIST! was baffled as to what it was and why he had received it. He immediately asked haiku if he had ordered it. haiku related he only orders from the Criterion Collection online and from not mad scientists in Michigan. So, immediately a letter was sent to Seussonoras Labs :

"Dearest Doctor ...

hakiu recently unwrapped an odd instrument of sorts sent to THE FUTURIST!'s address. It resembles a ray gun, hand-held heating coil or medieval bug zapper. What is this? (photo enclosed) Please respond. .

signed
THE FUTURIST!"

then this response came by text message from Dr. Seussonoras:

"TO THE FUTURIST! !!

Object sent was in error! That device was actually included in the original run of the Sex Closet back in '92. It turned out that my minions forgot to put instructions in the package and consumers ended up sawing their genitalia off accidentally.

I also forgot to place instructions in your package.

DEAR GOD! DON'T USE IT!

AS always, you are a bright beacon of truth in a dark tunnel of horrible lies, Futurist! I will have to speak to my PR team about this debacle."

Love,
Dr. S. Seussonoras

then back to The Doctor:

"Doctor, thank you for the warning. The device went no where near any genitalia. We were baffled by its use ... but, once switched on, we heard a whirring noise and experimented. It proved to cut roasted pork loin magnificently and even mixed a pitcher of martinis. However, our lovely neighbor Miss Angela Deppler, 2nd grade teacher and 1st class vixen, asked to borrow it for a wedding shower party this Friday. We assumed she'd use it as a mixer, but ... oh ... do you think she may think its a "stimulating" mechanism for frisky naughty girl activities, which occur at these events? Doctor ... if so ... THERE WILL BE BLOOD!!!"

THE FUTURIST!

Then back:

"FUTURIST!

"My lawyers have been contacted in case this minx that lives next door to you sues for damages. Hopefully, it was just used for Bloody Marys and mixing Cosmos ... possibly a tasty chip dip. Personally, WE prefer Paul Newman Salsa here at The Labs for our chips. Hope all is well."

Wearing no pants,
Dr. S. Seussonoras

Luckily no one was hurt.

Another mystery solved!!