THE FUTURIST! doesn't dance. Unless he is truly inebriated. THE FUTURIST! doesn't sing. Unless he is truly inebriated. Of course, the dancing and singing, in the inebriated status, can't be truly defined as dancing and singing in the true definition of dancing and singing. It would be a form of warbling and physical gyration that represented the "idea" of dancing and singing induced by manic joy. But, isn't that still fun?
THE FUTURIST! has expressed musical joy, as related in this post of almost a year ago (CLICK HERE!)
Though, not entirely under the influence of two 3 olive martinis, THE FUTURIST! recalls his being dared to perform karaoke at The Third Man Cinema Pub. Attendance that evening was somewhat light, most likely due to it being Charles Grodin Night. Not everyone is a fan of the dry comedic actor, sadly.
Late that evening, THE FUTURIST! took to the small stage dressed in his favorite charcoal gray suit, white shirt, pin-striped pink tie and saddle shoes. Fleming Clamdish, THE FUTURIST!'s friend had just performed a rendition of YOUR SONG by Elton John. THE FUTURIST! prodded by his aide de camp haiku and Clamdish selected the song below first performed by The Go-Gos. The version you will hear below is performed in a more sinister, less energetic manner than the feisty hyper energetic 80s females and their cherubic lead singer. This cover version is perfect for a non-singing voice laced with sadness and regret. Oh, and there is a nice cello musical injection included. Always a plus. (By the way, look at that singer's hair. Imagine losing your house key in that hedge-like brush top? You would be searching for hours)
This version fit THE FUTURIST! perfectly ... as perfect as a nattily tightened bow tie, pin stripe suspenders and argyle sweater vest. Imagine, if you will, THE FUTURIST! standing stage center with the blue tinged aura of The Third Man Cinema Pub spotlight bathing his thin inert frame as you ...
THE FUTURIST! received this email the other day in his exclusive secret THE FUTURIST! Gmail Inbox. Actually, it obviously isn't so secret. Anywho, read the text and enjoy. It is quite to boost to THE FUTURIST!'s often bruised ego. Gentle Reader, this email is REAL. It is not a fabrication.
Hi There,
I just wanted to shoot you a quick email about a local film blogger meetup that's happening on September 26th. The event is for Indieflix, a revolutionary distribution company whose main goal is to empower independent filmmakers. They'll be showing four indie films in Times Square as part of a game we are developing called Film Festival In A Box where you watch 4 short films, deliberate, then vote on your favorite. It will be followed by a blogger afterparty for local NY film blogs and other members of the media. In addition to free drinks and food, the Indieflix CEO Scilla Andreen -- award winning producer and Emmy nominated costume designer -- will be there to talk and meet everyone.
We're inviting you to this event becauseit would be an honor to have a representative of The Futurist! in attendance. I am aware that you are both a notable critic and just an interesting guy with a wonderfully ironic sense of humor - unfortunately, I am also aware that you live in "Utter Despair", which is somewhere in NJ.If you are able to make it to New York to attend this party, your efforts will be especially appreciated. This after party will be a great event to meet some influential people in the film industry from NYC and elsewhere. Your feedback really matters to us and I look forward to speaking with you in the future. Shoot me an email if you are interested and I will make sure you are on the list for the after party (details below).
Thanks!
Rachel
for more info on IndieFlix: http://indieflix.com/pages/filmmaker and to find me personally on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/profile.php?id=10717954
The after party will be at the W Hotel's bar, right next to Times Square (address below) from 6:30 to 8pm. Please RSVP if you plan on attending -- you are free to bring as many people with you as you like.
The W Hotel 1567 Broadway at 47th St, New York City, NY 10036
THE FUTURIST! asked his friend Fleming Clamdish if he would like to attend. He could not due to his having to attend a speed dating function at a large bookstore in Paramus N.J. THE FUTURIST! then asked haiku, his former aide de camp. Unfortunately haiku replied in the negative. He was invited by email to another function by a representative of a Thai Sculpture exhibition who believed he was a famous half-Asian Art critic with a droll sense of humor and a noted lack of any other human emotion.
After a morning of tree branch severing at his Utter Despair, N.J. estate, THE FUTURIST! enjoyed a late lunch with his friend haiku (former aide de camp and Asian of unknown origins). They drove to The Utter Despair Diner and had an appetizer of Manhattan Clam Chowder and a hearty Cuban Sandwich (for THE FUTURIST!) and a Western Omelet (for haiku) with a side of French fries. THE FUTURIST! was very hungry due to his arduous arbor labor of sawing branches and then disposing of leafy cuttings in a barrel for weekly curbside waste pick-up. So, he suggested they have a Death By Chocolate dessert. It was quite an abdominal filling delight and caused both THE FUTURIST! and haiku to become overcome by digestive fatigue. They passed out, as pictured above, and were removed by a burly Latino busboy. haiku later claimed that the busboy may have fondled him while his half-conscious body was transported outside to the parking lot. haiku pondered whether he should contact an attorney. THE FUTURIST! told him to cherish it as a fond memory and go on with his taciturn existence and to think of it as the tip they forgot to leave behind after the meal.
THE FUTURIST!'s former aide de camp haiku (a taciturn young man of unknown Asian origins) has not been written of in recent posts. haiku has gone to Brooklyn, NY and is attending Film classes. While immersed in his studies he has taken up photography. The above picture was taken by haiku for a photography class assignment. He ensconced himself inside a washing machine at The Utter Despair Beautiful Launderette and took a very avant garde snap of THE FUTURIST! as he walked out of the aforementioned establishment. This is a rare glimpse at THE FUTURIST!. Please respect it and keep it close to your heart. THE FUTURIST! is always willing and happy to assist friends in their educational pursuits.
Last week, on New Year's Eve, THE FUTURIST! was invited to German Cinema Night at THE THIRD MAN Cinema Tavern in Utter Despair. It was a packed house as the proprietor of the movie themed drinking establishment welcomed his year end guests who were seeking a place other than their homes to welcome in 2010. THE FUTURIST! would have happily stayed home, but he was cajoled by Fleming Clamdish to accompany him and some friends. There was a $20 cover charge and the host at the door stamped a white 'M' on your back, in case you went outside for a moment or two and then went back inside. THE FUTURIST! felt a bit melancholy, because haiku was leaving the area to live in Brooklyn, NY and this was his last night in Utter Despair. Later on, haiku arrived and joined the festivities. BERLIN ALEXANDERPLATZ was being played silently on several wide screen TV screens as the guests milled about eating funnel cake and having a drink. THE FUTURIST! took the opportunity to have a few Fritz Lang Lagers to celebrate and ease his underlying sadness. He, also, noticed that Miss Angela Deppler (2nd Grade Teacher and 1st Class Vixen and his alluring next door neighbor) was there with her current chiseled facial featured boyfriend.
The evening culminated in the eventual clock striking 12:01 am as the New Year arrived. After this annual orgasmic moment of humans appearing ecstatic for another day to arrive, THE THIRD MAN tavern owner started the Karaoke portion of the night. There was, in honor of the German Cinema Night theme, some Marlene Dietrich songs, The Andrew Sisters singing "Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen" and that Nazi boy singing in the beer garden from Bob Fosse's CABARET. The most eccentric moment arrived when a tune from HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL arrived on the screen complete with German lyrics to sing along with ... and THE FUTURIST! (lifted by Fritz Lang Lager) watched as Miss Angela Deppler and her date took to the stage and performed the catchy sappy number. Oh, it was appalling, yet ... THE FUTURIST! felt elated. Miss Angela Deppler and her date (later to be identified as a JC Penney Catalogue dress shirt model) performed the Disney corporate soul sucking song expertly with perfect pronunciation of the German lyrics. IT felt like a musical moment from a bad film ... which it was in actuality, but, also, in reality coming to life before the patrons' eyes. The joy was evident in their eyes and body movements as they swirled about shrugging their cares away. Many people applauded and laughed as the number went on and haiku whispered to THE FUTURIST! that Zac Efron sure could sing, but he was a soulless glamour boy in ME AND ORSON WELLES. Fleming Clamdish corrected haiku and said that Efron's singing voice was dubbed in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. Their argument was interrupted by the zither like snoring of The Amazing Frollo as he slept through the entire magic moment.
The night ended and THE FUTURIST! and his friends walked out into the cold January air with the sight and sound of momentary happiness still in their heads. THE FUTURIST! thought that Life was much like that bad Disney film ... mostly excruciating, but occasionally there could be 3 to 4 minutes of a volcanic eruption of unbridled senseless bliss to interrupt the usual lava spill of ennui.
P.S. Fleming Clamdish made a comment that if THE FUTURIST! was cast in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL, he would play the father (seen at 2:48) who appears at the side of the stage to show his awe and surprise that his athlete son can actually find his true self through song and dance. Though, if he were THE FUTURIST!'s son, he would not be a basketball star, but the star of the Advanced English Class and school newspaper film critic. THE FUTURIST! would, also, be very jealous his offspring was so damn happy.
Listen and practice your German:
BREAKING FREE from the film HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL (2006) performed by Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens
THE FUTURIST! must hold back his tears remembering a Thanksgiving many years ago when he was inadvertedly left behind on a cold windy cloudy November day on the NJ Shore by his Aunt Abigail. THE FUTURIST!'s parents had gone to Aunt Abigail's beach front home for the Thanksgiving holiday. After claiming to not have an adequate white wine for the repast, THE FUTURIST!'s parents allowed Aunt Abigail to take THE BABY FUTURIST! for a stroll on the desolate beach on her way to the local liquor emporium.
How did this happen? A baby left alone in the sand?
Well, it appears that Aunt Abigail, on her way back from her leisurely walk with THE BABY FUTURIST! to the Seaside Liquor Store for the holiday libations, became a bit infatuated with her purchases and partook of a 6 pack of an inferior beer and a bottle of Riesling. She then, while mumbling something about a husband of dubious birth, decided to take a cold dip in the sea and never came back. THE FUTURIST!'s first encounter with a Thanksgiving fowl was not with a turkey ... it was a large tern or seagull who pecked at him for minutes on end until the Shore Patrol found him. To this day, THE FUTURIST! cannot abide seagulls. Recently, he and haiku stopped at a roadside Fast Food establishment for lunch and ate outside. THE FUTURIST! suffered a panic attack when a large seagull fluttered down to investigate his french fries. On immediate sight of the flying fowl poking into his side dish, he screamed like a woman.
Little Peter Hollinsberry sold this crude drawing to haiku, THE FUTURIST!'s aide-de-camp, for $20. He claimed it was a drawing made by cave people 4000 yrs. ago and proved that Thanksgiving was first celebrated by Cro-Magnons, Swamp Creatures and blue dinosaurs. THE FUTURIST! is not exactly happy that haiku was fleeced and that he is, apparently, as dense as a shag rug. haiku? Aren't you a college graduate? THE FUTURIST! is naming Peter as his 2009 Holiday Hero for using such American ingenuity and know-how to swindle an easy mark. A fine young American!
Several weeks ago at an Oktoberfest festivity organized by Fleming Clamdish, a friend of THE FUTURIST!, The Amazing Frollo decided to entertain the party guests with a ditty on his concertina. As THE FUTURIST! has stated before, The Amazing Frollo is New Jersey's laziest magician ... perhaps even North America's laziest magician. This does not stop many from still gathering about to witness his latest public display of entertaining groups with the art of illusion and, finally, anti-climatic bungling. Having the constitution of a garden slug, The Amazing Frollo never accomplishes his goal of entertaining and creates a sort of abstract post-modern touch to his non-accomplishment. This is what entertains ... this is what creates an aura of impending doom that many await with delicious anticipation.
This Sunday afternoon, however, The Amazing Frollo did not offer to perform a feat of escape, card trickery or the extraction of a floppy eared rodent from a battered top hat. This day The Amazing Frollo merely wished to serenade the gathering with a tune on his concertina. He told those that formed a U-shaped audience around him that he would dazzle them all with an old Austrian folk song entitled "Ein Strudel Made for Mein Trudy" written by Heinz Dismembertoes (a German of dubious heritage and character). It did not take more than 6 squeezes on the instrument before The Amazing Frollo fell into a deep sleep. This was accomplished while he stood up straight with his head lowered and the air escaping from the concertina with a sound similar to that of a wheezing pheasant expiring in the brush from bird shot fired from a hunter's rifle. The crowd was ecstatic and applauded loudly.
"The Amazing Frollo never disappoints!" loudly jeered a party guest hoisting a Belgian brew.
"Hey, what if we throw peanuts or pretzel nuggets at him? Will he awaken?" yelled another.
There was quite a bit of blather about Frollo's inertia and several party snacks were eventually tossed. THE FUTURIST! thought he saw some sign of life as a peanut hit his cheek and fell to the pavement. The Amazing Frollo can be aroused from his slumber by food. Once he fell asleep in an Egyptian Mummy Case (made in Hackensack NJ), but was awakened by a stagehand eating a Reuben sandwich nearby. The smell wafted into the cracks of the case's opening and he stumbled out to reappear unshackled, but the audience had disappeared 20 minutes prior and he had no one to witness his first actual completed escape feat. Quite disheartening.
After failing to complete the concertina performance, THE FUTURIST! and haiku used a hand truck to roll the coma-like Amazing Frollo back to THE FUTURIST!'s home where they would deposit him near his automobile. This act of kindness turned into further disaster.
THE FUTURIST! left haiku alone with the lifeless Frollo and went into the house to prep a Sunday martini with Tribuno red vermouth. haiku, desiring to get out of the hot afternoon sun, rolled Frollo into the nearby garage. This was no ordinary garage. THE FUTURIST! has had in his possession for some time a device invented by Dr. Seussonoras known as The Time Tunnel Garage. It looks like this:
The Garage Time Tunnel (patent pending)
The Time Tunnel Garage is a time machine (patent pending) and is quite untested and a bit unreliable. THE FUTURIST! has told haiku to be very careful around and not to enter it if possible. Once THE FUTURIST! went in to get a garden rake and found himself in the sitting room of Oscar Wilde who was in the process of seducing a young gentleman in Burgundy jodhpurs. It was quite awkward. THE FUTURIST! returned post-haste after haiku flipped the Garage return light switch.
THE FUTURIST! has told haiku to be careful around the garage, however, wanting to get out of the hot sun, haiku rolled Frollo into the garage for shade and accidentally activated the garage door. This action made the time machine come to life and haiku and Frollo were transported into the past. THE FUTURIST! quickly ran out after hearing the commotion and rapidly flipped the return switch. The two friends returned, but some strange molecular time shifting anomaly had occurred and both haiku and The Amazing Frollo had returned as young children. This caused great consternation to THE FUTURIST! and haiku, but Frollo was still asleep.
THE FUTURIST! contacted Seussonoras Labs immediately. Dr. Seussonoras assured THE FUTURIST! that both Frollo and haiku could be brought back to their true ages, but he would get to solving this difficult problem after he finished eating a large Italian submarine sandwich and a several gherkin pickles; he was having lunch and you can't blame a man for wanting to enjoy his mid-day meal.
In the meantime, The Amazing Frollo claimed he had been transported to the Titanic and had been performing a water tank escape trick, but never finished his escape due to the ship hitting the fateful iceberg. This meant The Amazing Frollo was submerged in the cold Atlantic ocean waters trapped in a water tank. He was rescued later by some very perplexed Norwegians. He loves to reminiscence about his adventure.
The currently young Amazing Frollo
thinks back to his sea adventure
haiku claims he was transported to 1930s Kansas City and was taught guitar by a black jazz musician named Jug Mouth Landers. It seems he is now very adept at finger strumming. The currently pre-teen haiku beautifully performed a Burt Bacharach tune for THE FUTURIST!. It was delightful. Though often fraught with strange disasters, the sun shines, sometimes, in Utter Despair and some good ... comes from bad.
HERE IS VIDEO FILMED BY BALD MAN EXPOSING FUTURIST AND ASIAN FRIEND HAIKOO MAKIG BELIEVE THEY ARE ROBOTS. THIS IS AKIN TO BLACKFACE IN DAYS OF HUMAN VAUDEVILLE AND MINSTREL SHOWS ...... THEY THINK THEY ARE VERY FUNNY HA HA ..... THEY INSULT ROBOTS WITH THIS DISPLAY OF PREJUDICE >>>> ROBOTS DO NOT FIGHT WITH SHIELDS <<<<< ROBOTS USE LASER BLASTS FROM METALLIC LIMB ARMAMENTS OR CRUSH BONE WITH PINCER HANDS ..... ROBOTS DO NOT FIGHTS LIKE WOMEN .... >>>> NEGATIV <<<< FUTURIST AND ASIAN HAIKOO FIGHT LIKE GIRLS .... INFERIOR GIRLS .... INFERIOR ANTI-ROBOT HUMAN GIRLS WITH STUPID SHIELDS ...... OH YOU CAN MAKE EXCUSES FUTURIST >>>> I WAS DRUNK <<<<< NO EXCUSE .... NO EXCUSE ..... NONE (over)
Staff from Seussonoras Labs deliver The RoboFuturist!
to an undisclosed location in Utter Despair, N.J.
It is disguised in an at-home medical operation device box
due to statutes in New Jersey that outlaw
tropical birds, handguns and androids crossing State lines.
THE FUTURIST! is taking some time off starting Wednesday. He was going to leave the blog in the capable hands of haiku, but he is in Brooklyn doing something involving furniture and NYU paperwork. He then thought of Fleming Clamdish, but he is getting over a very bad breakup with a woman, her sister and a dachshund. There was The Amazing Frollo to consider, but he is so lazy he would just never post ... anyway, he is recovering from water in his lungs after falling asleep while hanging upside down from a chain in an airtight water tank. THE FUTURIST! then thought of Dr. Seussonoras, but the good Doctor had a better idea. He suggested that he send along a new version of The RoboFuturist!. The last version (2.13 and 1/2) had some kinks to workout. THE FUTURIST! had programmed The RoboFuturist! to empty the dishwasher and it ended very badly. The RoboFuturist! seemed totally capable and he was removing the luncheon plates in an orderly fashion. Some time later, THE FUTURIST! heard a terrible metallic noise and the sound of something rattling back and forth. It seemed The RoboFuturist! was having some kind of automaton carnal encounter with the Kenmore Dish Washing Machine. The soap dispenser was overflowing and the cutlery basket was totally destroyed as was haiku's favorite Janus Films 50th Anniversary coffee mug. This resulted in having to buy a new dish washer and total embarrassment since THE FUTURIST! had over his Chekhov short story reading club that fateful afternoon. After seeing The RoboFuturist! nuts and lower torso synthetic bolts in a very inappropriate place in proximity of the utensils and such, the Club members refused to use the spoons and cups provided for their tea, which had just been rinsed clean and dried in the washer. It was a very awkward afternoon in Utter Despair, N.J.
The RoboFuturist! was turned off and boxed by THE FUTURIST! and haiku and returned to Dr. Seussonoras. It hasn't been seen since, but the Doctor says it has been reprogrammed and is ready to handle minor chores while THE FUTURIST! is away, including a new writing program for blog posts. THE FUTURIST! provided Dr. Seussonoras with the needed passwords and instructions and feels confident all should be A-OK, while he travels for a few days.
The RoboFuturist! should continue with the usual Wednesday trailer and Saturday Music features, as well as other incidental entries. Please enjoy his contributions and feel free to comment.
The very young haiku using his homemade giant lizard shrink gun.
THE FUTURIST! asked haiku to compile his favorite scary movies for the SHOCKtober blog series. It seems haiku does not watch many scary movies and, at first, made a roster of fright films that included Steve Martin's Pink Panther reboot and Howard the Duck, but THE FUTURIST! tossed that list in the trash bin and told him it was to be actual SCARY movies ... with zombie killers and monsters and such.
It seems haiku was an avid monster fan as a child. In the photo above, he can be seen making believe he is battling Gamera, Ghidorah or Godzilla in his backyard. haiku loved those monster movies and constructed a monster lizard shrink reducer gun out of a shoebox, some old Polaroid camera parts, a car radio antennae, and a mayonnaise jar lid. Tragedy struck, however, after his friend Bing convinced haiku that his sister's pet chameleon was a successfully shrunken mutant radioactively (once large) lizard monster. haiku, afraid that the reducer ray effects would soon wear out and that the lizard would again reach gargantuan size and destroy parts of the tri-state area with fiery breath blasts, flushed Bing's sister's lizard down the toilet. This caused emotional distress on the part of Bing's sister which caused parents in both families to scold haiku and punish him. The worst part was, however, that haiku had harbored a secret crush on Bing's sister and she never spoke to him again. This resulted in huge psychological trauma in haiku and he can't watch any Tokyo Monster stomper movies anymore without weeping. Bing's sister is now a stripper known as Cammy Meleon. Small moments of young trauma have such rippling effects later in life. * sigh *
And now:
haiku's Top 5 Scary Movies for SHOCKtober! (no giant lizard monster movies included) 1. Psycho (1960)
Not only my favorite horror film, but one of my all-time favorite films. Gets better with every viewing.
2. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931) Amazing direction and camera work. Not to mention a deliciously lusty Hyde played by Frederic March. 3. The Shining (1980) Probably the only film on my list that's genuinely scary, though only at parts -- I don't have a high tolerance for fright. 4.Carrie (1976) Not really scary, but a whole lot of fun. The last 20 min. are especially great.
5. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) This scared me so bad as a child that I couldn't sleep for two days after seeing it. Not so scary the second time around as an adult, but still a good movie.
THE FUTURIST! wanted desperately to call haiku to tell him about this montage of a horror/thriller movie cliche plot device, but THE FUTURIST! couldn't get a signal on his cell phone from his location in a cabin high up in the remote hills of North Western New Jersey where, he believed, mutant inbred mountain people who eat human flesh were roaming about. It was quite a stressful weekend. He's safe, now.
THE FUTURIST! and haiku stopped off at a watering hole in nearby Schadenfraude, N.J. and enjoyed an Autumnal beer from Germany called Fritz Lang Lager. This particular brew is concocted especially for Oktoberfest festivities throughout New Jersey, Pennsylvania and lower New York State. When asked by the barkeep if he wished to try it, THE FUTURIST! replied, "You Only Live Once!" It was quite delicious. haiku loved the small bowl of mixed nuts on the bar. He did get a tad bored opening his helmet visor to toss in several almonds, filberts, pecans and cashews over and over again. The boredom did not halt his consuming, however. Oh, if you are wondering why THE FUTURIST! and haiku are dressed in Seussonoras Labs copyrighted Designer Atomic Blast Apparel (with matching non-radiation metallic gloves), it was because THE FUTURIST! was on his way to meet Young Sun Compton who he believed might actually be an actual newly virginal exploded star. He was afraid of his skin being burned away and exposing bone. Even though haiku tried to explain that Young Sun was not an actual super nova, but an actual flesh and blood person, THE FUTURIST! did not heed his advisement. This may have been due to his helmet being on too tight ... but actually THE FUTURIST! was too distracted by the delicious German beer's flavor clicking a jack-booted salute on his taste buds.
Unfortunately, THE FUTURIST! did not get to meet Young Sun Compton that afternoon. After downing three Fritz Lang Lagers, he searched for the saloon restroom. Due to the usual dim lighting quality of most bars and the tinted helmet visor, THE FUTURIST! accidentally sauntered into the restroom NOT suited for his gender and caused a ruckus with a young woman tending to the result of having a bloated bladder. This bathroom brouhaha culminated in the offended young woman's beau rushing to her aid and ejecting THE FUTURIST! into the parking lot and kicking him several times in the pelvic area. The emotional distress and the injuries incurred from his body impacting with macadam (the Seussonoras Designer Atomic Blast suit may protect one from exposure to intense solar heat, but it seemed not to be impervious to blacktop paved surfaces) caused THE FUTURIST! to alter his social plans that day. Both THE FUTURIST! and haiku turned to Utter Despair, NJ ... after, of course, haiku finished the small bowl of nuts and that delightful Fritz Lang Lager.
In honor of the 40th anniversary of the Woodstock Concert, THE FUTURIST! is posting some revolutionary music from that generation. This tune is being presented with a video supplied by Solomon Whootiz, a member of the band Marcel Proust's Mustache. Solomon wanted to relive the Woodstock experience but was afraid to drop acid or shoot any chemicals into his body. Solomon pondered this for a few minutes and conferred with haiku and the other members of the band. THE FUTURIST! suggested that he have a martini or two and allow someone to hit him on the side of his head with a piece of sheet rock. Solomon agreed. Below you will see Solomon's view from the ground as he laid on his back in his backyard in the neighboring town of Ennui, NJ. The Seussonoras Labs cerebral time magnifier was attached to his head and then wired to a video camera and then placed in his hands. It fits perfectly with the song. As an added treat haiku poured water and mud on him and screamed occasionally. Young Sun Compton, obessed graphic designer and creator of THE FUTURIST!'s logo, wanted to add an accompanying font to the video, but was denied, as was the hash at lunch that day ... oh, not hash as in hashish ... no ... hash as in food. The corned beef had an odd odor.
SOMETHING IN THE AIR performed by Thunderclap Newman
On July 4th 2006, the Strangelove Sparkler was set off at The Lindenhoffer's holiday bar-b-que. The spectacular sight could be seen for miles ... in fact, as far away as Klippendorf, Germany. NJ went into a Def-Con 2 warning stage and it took a month for THE FUTURIST!'s eyebrows to fully grow back.
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THE EL DIABLO ... endorsed by Iraqi Insurgents and sold to anyone with cash by Arnie Spool. Arnie says, "If the Mexican Army had a box of these babies they would have taken over the Alamo and Davey Crockett would never have won." Arnie teaches American History at Montclair State University.
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During his pre-pubescent modeling days, haiku was proud to add to his resume his appearance on this Pyrotechnical product. The GASP OF ALL THAT IS EVIL is a firework that creates a beautiful spiraling pinwheel of primary colors and depicts the signing of The Declaration of Independence and every American Revolution battle in its entirety ... however, you must wear protective headgear since it sucks all life giving oxygen from the atmosphere for 20 minutes.
The always joyful and happy to assist Sabrina Delacourt works the counter at SATAN'S ASHTRAY: YOUR FRIENDLY FIREWORKS EMPORIUM; located over the border in nearby Pennsylvania. She loves to see haiku and his pals, from the band Marcel Proust's Mustache, when they come by every late June for Roman Candles and other explosives. They bring her candy and she gives them a nice discount.
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This year, Fleming Clamdish has acquired THE BUMBLEBEE 4000 ...a top of the line explosive for the holiday festivities. haiku is currently digging a trench for this baby! A call has been put into Newark and Teterboro Airports to halt all flights over Utter Despair after dusk on the 4th. Yowza!!
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And here's to the boys in the UTTER DESPAIR VOLUNTEER FIRE COMPANY No. 3. Tomorrow is one of their busiest days. Chief Grinder and his staff are always on the spot to extinguish all blazes whose origins stem from stray fireworks and such. They are equipped with the best in firefighting tools and fantastic cheap booze.
haiku is planning a 4th of July outdoor grilling event this coming weekend. He's very excited about this get together; his friends in the unknown indie band that is going nowhere, Marcel Proust's Mustache, will be attending. There is talk of illegal explosive devices that will cause brightly colored aerial designs of a patriotic flavor. Of course, there will be hot dogs, hamburgers and some kind of skewered vegetable kebabs. The most exciting thing, it seems, is that he purchased this new contraption to inject condiments (mustard or ketchup) onto the aforementioned food offerings. He believes it will cause quite a sensation. THE FUTURIST! wonders if it comes with a holster. He, also, can think of a very funny visual gag involving this gun, ketchup and the posed aftermath of a "fake" suicide attempt. Oh, that could be fun right before the corn on the cob.
THE FUTURIST! would like to know what you think of the above banner. It was created by Young Sun Compton. That's a fascinating name, isn't it? Young Sun Compton currently is young and appears young, but one ponders what will happen when Young Sun Compton becomes much older; will the Young moniker cause a bewildered look on those he encounters when he shakes their hand and says, "Good morning/afternoon/evening, I'm Young Sun Compton." ... or when he plays shuffleboard at the retirement village condo recreation center?
1st Old Geezer: "It's Young's turn."
2nd Old Geezer: "Who the Hell is Young? Who?? Not me! WHO!!?"
3rd Old Geezer: "I'm hungry. I found a dime yesterday." Young Sun Compton: "I am."
2nd Old Geezer: "The Hell you are, you lying Son of a Bitch! You must have the God Damn Alzheimer's!"
THE FUTURIST! has diverted from his initial post idea. Excuse him.
THE FUTURIST! would like your opinion on the above banner created by Young Sun Compton. THE FUTURIST! imagines him to be fastidious and obsessed with order. Young Sun is a font fanatic. He is maniacal about fonts. He knows them all and can identify them all. He can affix a font to a person's personality. This sounds a bit abnormal and may well be ... it may be a malady of the mind. However, it hasn't harmed anyone ... well ... a customer service representative at Chaffworth Soups may differ in that opinion. Rumor has it that Young Sun Compton assailed the Soup Company with many phone calls and e-mails after they claimed the letters in their Alphabet Soup were in Verdana Font. Young Sun Compton claimed it was Comic Sans with a Tahoma influence caused by a mutant pasta genetic code caused by their high temperature cooking process. This went all the way to N.J. State Court and was later proved to be correct in Young Sun Compton's favor; several Chaffworth Soup Company executives lost their jobs. Young Sun was awarded a small monetary prize which he donated to the Mechanical Lead Pencil Appreciation Society located in Deep Rooted Depression, N.J.
THE FUTURIST! met Young Sun Compton awhile ago in a very brief encounter. He can't recall if Young Sun said anything but
"Hello, I'm Young Sun Compton."
And THE FUTURIST! might have replied:
"Yes, you are ... Young."
But that did not happen. He was in the company of a few of haiku's friends and it was a brief unconversational meeting. Just recently, through the interweb, THE FUTURIST! encountered Young Sun Compton again and asked him to consider what font would suit THE FUTURIST!. The answer was Neutra Font. The above banner was the result. Another banner choice was this one:
What do you think? THE FUTURIST! likes the first one the most. haiku has no opinion. Fleming Clamdish is trapped in his apartment dishwasher. The Amazing Frollo is sleeping. Dr. Seussonoras is dating his male secretary (which can only end badly) and Miss Angela Deppler, 2nd Grade Teacher and 1st Class Vixen, doesn't care at all.
** sigh **
Please leave opinions in the comments section. And visit Young Sun Compton's web page, thesetreesspeak. It's a marvelous menagerie of images. It has a neat clean, calming beauty of identity.
Fleming Clamdish poses in a very laconic manner with his house warming gift, which he has no idea where to place.
Fleming Clamdish just got a new apartment in Utter Despair. It is extremely tiny. The ironing board, which springs from a door in the wall, doubles as his bed. He can make breakfast and make his bed at the same time, by merely turning to the right or left. He doubles his bed sheets as a kitchen table cloth. The clothes closet fits two shirts, a coat and one pair of shoes and his Scrabble board game (the junior edition); it resembles a High School locker. Watching television is awkward. There is room for only one chair in the living room; a blue love seat. THE FUTURIST! found it very odd sitting so close to Fleming Clamdish on that tight chair watching My Beautiful Launderette. Fleming Clamdish is a big Stephen Frears fan. THE FUTURIST! asked haiku what would be an appropriate house warming gift. haiku replied, "Don't you mean an appropriate casket warming gift?" haiku can be a smart ass. THE FUTURIST! decided on a food processor which he purchased at Bed Bath & Beyond. Fleming Clamdish accepted it with a small smile and in a taciturn manner. He kept it in his hands through the entire visit and was still holding it after THE FUTURIST! left. Fleming Clamdish said, "Oh, I will eventually find a place for ... it." haiku left after the presentation of the gift. He said, "My presence here is not needed anymore ... plus, my oxygen tank is running low, I need to go out and get some real air." He wore a scuba diving air tank with breathing nozzle to the house warming party. As stated, he can be a smart ass.
THE FUTURIST! was a sad person before he lost most of his hair. Now, he's even more melancholy.
THE FUTURIST! was recently asked by John Lichman of Current TV (home of The Rotten Tomatoes Movie Show) to compose a Top 5 List of films of any genre or theme. Mr. Lichman is the show's on-line producer and helms the Current TV Movies Blog. He adds things of cinematic interest to the blog daily with his comedic word play, eye for silly visuals and oft times black sense of humor. Last week he instituted this Top 5 Film list with his first contributor - Glenn Kenny, film critic and the "Sydney Greenstreet" of movie blogging. It was quite an honor and a surprise to receive an email from John Lichman asking THE FUTURIST! to be the 2nd person to construct a list.
After much head scratching and conferences with haiku and The Amazing Frollo (a very lazy acquaintance of THE FUTURIST!), a decision was made. THE FUTURIST! would construct a list of his favorite Top 5 Films of Utter Despair. It's a very international list of great taste and deep sorrow; two of the films have their settings in places with lots of deep, perpetual snow and grey skies, one is in 1930s Los Angeles, one in feudal Japan and another involves depressed neurotic New Yorkers and suicide.
Please enjoy click on the highlighted text above and hopefully you shall enjoy it.
THE FUTURIST! thanks John Lichman for his consideration of THE FUTURIST! in contributing to this series of weekly lists. He has made THE FUTURIST! very happy ... momentarily very happy.
