BEER-BOT

THE FUTURIST! is contacting Seussonoras Labs in Ypsilanti, Michigan immediately and demanding to know why the good Doctor Steven Seussonoras and his aide de camp, The Eliminator of Bullshit, have not developed an alcohol fetching robotic device that, obviously, these geeks at Willow Garage have perfected. Perhaps, THE FUTURIST! should not state "perfected". He is sure that Dr, Seussonoras could devise an electronic Man-Bot that could select the correct red or white wine for the correct meal, cork it and pour it in the correctly selected stemmed glassware. IF so, THE FUTURIST! wants one sent to his abode in Utter Despair ... free of charge, of course. THE FUTURIST! has purchased, tested and given Seussonoras Labs enough free advertising for their products. The least they could do is send him Wine-droid.

Introducing The Eliminator of Bullshit

The Eliminator of Bullshit, in a quiet moment of

Michigan winter contemplation,

ponders why the world is full of bullshit.

In the ongoing series of Top 5 SHOCKtober lists of scary movies, THE FUTURIST! proudly presents a roster compiled by The Eliminator of Bullshit. The Eliminator's title is very to the point, in fact, there is no bullshit regarding who he is or what he does. The name says it all. THE FUTURIST! encountered The Eliminator via his association with Dr. Seussonoras. The good doctor fronts the Seussonoras Labs in Ypsilanti, Michigan. He invents many things of vast importance for people all over the world including THE FUTURIST!. You have occasionally read his name in many older blog posts. The Eliminator is Dr. Seusonoras' aide de camp, much like haiku is to THE FUTURIST! The Doctor relies on The Eliminator to attend all Seussonoras Board meetings and listen to projects being recommended or proposed. After any new idea is tossed out for the Doctor's approval, he first turns to The Eliminator to give his opinion ... for instance:

"Inflatable Psychiatrist Dolls with recorded dialogue"

"BULLSHIT!"

"Car Tanning Salons."

"BULLSHIT!"

"Peruvian Mountain Goat Semen De-Aging Facial Creams"

"THAT'S REAL BULLSHIT!

"A Sex Closet."

"Interesting and bold thinking ... Go on ..."

and so on.

Without The Eliminator, Dr. Seussonoras would be no where. And not only is The Eliminator a decisive force for Science, but he is a poet and writer. His work can be read here. He recently published his latest volume of poetry entitled, IF THAT'S LIFE, THEN THAT'S BULLSHIT! It gives THE FUTURIST! great pleasure to -

"Hey, let's stop the bullshit!"

Whoops! The Eliminator wants THE FUTURIST! to stop prattling and get on with the list ...

THE ELIMINATOR OF BULLSHIT'S

NO BULLSHIT LIST OF 5 SCARY MOVIES

(in descending order)

5. ROSEMARY'S BABY

Good horror movies are hard to come by, perhaps more so than any other genre. I don't why there are so many terrible horror films, and so few actually scary ones. I must admit that I don't have very much experience with the genre because of this, especially with older horror movies, but I have seen Rosemary's Baby, and it's rather creepy. It's not a particularly good movie, but it does a good job of being creepy without actually showing anything scary. The atmosphere is key.

4. THE SIXTH SENSE

I put this on the list only because it psychologically scarred me as a child. I saw it at my grandparent's house when I was about 12 during one of my parent's trips out of town. That night, when my brother and I went back to our house, we couldn't get the door open. Later, inside, I had to go to sleep in a dark and quiet house where there were no parents around the corner to shield me from the bogeyman. Needless to say, I kept the lights on that night. And many others. In fact, for about two years, scenes from this movie haunted me. I had trouble going into the bathroom at night for many months.

3. HALLOWEEN

While never truly scary, Halloween offers a uniquely spooky atmosphere and sense of dread perfect for my favorite holiday of the year. There's one scene in particular that I imagine whenever I think of this movie. It's one of the scenes where Jamie Lee Curtis' character jut walks around and feels like she's being watched or sees someone possibly stalking her. Those are the most effective scenes in the movie.

2. 28 DAYS LATER

The best (serious) zombie movie I've seen. There are a few good comical ones, but it's difficult to make zombies frightening. 28 Days Later does it. Fantastic atmosphere and frequently startling. Unfortunately, the zombie craze has now depleted the genre of its vitality.

1. ALIEN

Sci-fi is one of my great loves, so of course, my top scariest movie is a sci-fi classic. Alien isn't necessarily scary, but it can be and is to many people, and I just love it too much to give it anything but the number one spot. Again, a unique atmosphere wins my heart. And, it always fascinates me to put myself into the situations that heroic individuals find themselves in and see if I could come out alive. This is one case where I doubt I'd ever set foot on Earth again.

Thank you, Eliminator. Have a Happy No Bullshit SHOCKtober!

THE FUTURIST! Asks ...

What is Ypsilanti?

1. a skin disorder
2. an alien mastermind who battles Green Lantern
3. a new type of margarine
4. the Icelandic word for Sex closet
5. a Norwegian puppy's bark

No ... it's where Seussonoras Labs is located. Seussonoras Labs supplies THE FUTURIST! with many new inventions for testing and critical analysis.

The Mysterious Package from Seussonoras Labs Inc., Ypsilanti, Michigan

Mysterious item sent to THE FUTURIST!
from Seussonoras Labs.

THE FUTURIST! is very interested in the mysterious, the odd, the unexplained and a really good bowl of chicken broth with Orzo pasta. Aiding him in his quest in searching out the bizarre is, of course, haiku, but there is, also, a young man in Ypsilanti, Michigan named Dr. Steven Seussonoras, young Great Lakes genius and noted Indie Bandologist. Seussonoras is the owner, founder and main inventor of Seussonoras Labs. He and his technical crew are constantly creating new inventions of fascinating proportions. These innovations in science and science fiction hope to advance man's ease in living and pleasure. Most of his inventions have no patent; there are all in a pending mode or have been completely rejected by the government. Oft times, The Doctor must sell to foreign agencies which have made him the target of U.S. Government harassment and phone tapping. This has put a crimp in his calls to male escort services. The government operatives listening in are doing more heavy breathing than the good Doctor.

Seussonoras Labs have provided THE FUTURIST! with many inventions and time saving devices. There has been The Toaster Glove Compartment, The Bed Spread Self-Spreader, The Bird Bath Whirlpool, The Doppelganger Radar Detector and many more. Recently, THE FUTURIST! received the product (shown above) from Dr. Seussonoras. THE FUTURIST! was baffled as to what it was and why he had received it. He immediately asked haiku if he had ordered it. haiku related he only orders from the Criterion Collection online and from not mad scientists in Michigan. So, immediately a letter was sent to Seussonoras Labs :

"Dearest Doctor ...

hakiu recently unwrapped an odd instrument of sorts sent to THE FUTURIST!'s address. It resembles a ray gun, hand-held heating coil or medieval bug zapper. What is this? (photo enclosed) Please respond. .

signed
THE FUTURIST!"

then this response came by text message from Dr. Seussonoras:

"TO THE FUTURIST! !!

Object sent was in error! That device was actually included in the original run of the Sex Closet back in '92. It turned out that my minions forgot to put instructions in the package and consumers ended up sawing their genitalia off accidentally.

I also forgot to place instructions in your package.

DEAR GOD! DON'T USE IT!

AS always, you are a bright beacon of truth in a dark tunnel of horrible lies, Futurist! I will have to speak to my PR team about this debacle."

Love,
Dr. S. Seussonoras

then back to The Doctor:

"Doctor, thank you for the warning. The device went no where near any genitalia. We were baffled by its use ... but, once switched on, we heard a whirring noise and experimented. It proved to cut roasted pork loin magnificently and even mixed a pitcher of martinis. However, our lovely neighbor Miss Angela Deppler, 2nd grade teacher and 1st class vixen, asked to borrow it for a wedding shower party this Friday. We assumed she'd use it as a mixer, but ... oh ... do you think she may think its a "stimulating" mechanism for frisky naughty girl activities, which occur at these events? Doctor ... if so ... THERE WILL BE BLOOD!!!"

THE FUTURIST!

Then back:

"FUTURIST!

"My lawyers have been contacted in case this minx that lives next door to you sues for damages. Hopefully, it was just used for Bloody Marys and mixing Cosmos ... possibly a tasty chip dip. Personally, WE prefer Paul Newman Salsa here at The Labs for our chips. Hope all is well."

Wearing no pants,
Dr. S. Seussonoras

Luckily no one was hurt.

Another mystery solved!!