Saturday Music for a Town Theme Song

Last night, it was decided that Utter Despair, N.J. needed a theme song.The theme would not have any official significance, unless it was brought before the town council ... this was merely a pipe dream by several patrons and employees at The Third Man Cinema Pub.

The idea to think of an appropriate town song was most likely a way to forget present worries and troubles among those involved in the discussion, as well as friendly social interaction fueled by liquor.

The song below seemed to have won the night. THE FUTURIST! doesn't recall how or when the decision was made. It may have been decided while he was in the restroom. He had gotten ketchup on his bow tie and needed to dab away at the stain in a mirror.

Once the song had been decided, it was played at great volume on the pub Bose sound system. There was much smiling and laughing and someone bought more alcohol for everyone. THE FUTURIST! left soon after the owner of TOP KNOT-CH (the local necktie emporium) started to dance with Miss Templeton (she works at the floral shop). It was not the dancing that made THE FUTURIST! leave ... no ... it was due to Miss Templeton throwing up due to the constant dance twirls that caused the three Manhattan cocktails and two Blue Moon beers in her stomach to mix in a Proctor Silex blending mode.

THE FUTURIST! needed some air.

Listen and pay attention to the appropriate Utter Despair lyrics:


HOPE OF DELIVERANCE
performed by Paul McCartney

The Howard Hawks Woman

* A handshake (without joy buzzer) to

Otto the waiter from The Third Man Cinema Pub

for his suggestion of posting this illuminating video

Saturday Music that Sparks Spring Fever

This morning had that certain something about it ... THE FUTURIST! is alluding to the weather, the air, the sound of birds chirping and a smell brought by the breeze of freshness. It's hard to put into words without sounding a bit daft, but THE FUTURIST! felt the stirring of Springtime. This feeling was further enforced in his thoughts when he passed by The Third Man Cinema Pub and saw that the front door was open, as was the inner door that leads from the vestibule into the Pub itself. It was quite early and The Third Man was not open for business, but THE FUTURIST! could see young Otto, the waiter and glass filler with the palindromic name washing the front windows. He could see, as well, Veronica, another employee of the pub dusting off tables.

THE FUTURIST! could hear the music posted below playing as their bodies rhythmically performed their labors to the music. It is a sure sign of Springtime if the sound of Ron Goodwin's theme from the Miss Marple movies starring Margaret Rutherford could be heard emanating from The Third Man Cinema Pub. A bit of music that is as cheery and spry as young Otto and Veronica as they prepare for a weekend's business. THE FUTURIST! saw a bit of a smile that crept along Otto's mouth as he turned to look at Veronica. Ah, Spring ... The Miss Marple theme and ... young love in the air. There is a bit of hopeful happiness even in Utter Despair, N.J.

Listen and feel the blood rush:


MURDER SHE SAYS (Miss Marple's Theme)
composed by Ron Goodwin

Outwitting the Common Burglar

Needing advice on a way to secrete valuables in his Utter Despair, NJ dwelling, THE FUTURIST! asked an acquaintance on security procedures on the best way to foil the common burglar. Bud Baxter, retired Utter Despair law enforcer and heavy drinker at The Third Man Cinema Pub, was the man to see. THE FUTURIST! encountered Bud last Wednesday night as he quaffed several Fritz Lang Lagers. Bud was, also, watching old Michael Shayne, Private Eye films (starring Lloyd Nolan) in one of the private booths in the Pub. THE FUTURIST! slid into the booth just as Bud was finishing off his suds and the end of THE MAN WHO WOULDN'T DIE (1942). Bud raised his mug as a signal to the waiter for another refill and as a salute to the end of the film.

"Ah, that Mike Shayne is one tough cookie. The besht private dick in the boo-(urp) -oook," he said as he stared with bleary eyes at THE FUTURIST!. "Wha' do you want, Bow Tie Man?"

THE FUTURIST! told Bud exactly what he needed. A way to hide his valuables from intruders that might unlawfully enter his home. Utter Despair had been having a rash of break-ins in recent weeks.

Bud rubbed his right eye and sputtered, "What ya got to hide? Diamonds? Purl necklashes? Some kind of gems? ... you got gold, Fancy Pants? I bet ya got a tiara or somethin' HA HA HA!"

THE FUTURIST! denied the assertions of hoarding pirate booty and, at the same time, steadied Bud before he fell into the path of Otto the waiter as he was gliding by with a tray of Joan Crawford Shoulder Pork Rinds for Film Projection Booth 12. Bud raised his head and said, "Whatcha' want a safe or somethin'?"

THE FUTURIST! told Bud he needed to hide away his collection of AMAZING SPIDER-MAN comics from the late 1960s, his Pee-Wee Herman talking Doll (with Chairy), his grandfather's pocket watch, his Dick Tracy Big Little Books, insurance papers, birth certificate, his collection of George Segal DVDs and some cash.

"Well, let me tell ya, FUSHTURISHT ... as a retired law offisher and now a reshpected private detective, I gotta tell ya that the besht way to foil or, as we say, bamboozle the catshup burglars is to use ordinary things to hide extra-ordinary things ... you undershtand?"

THE FUTURIST! nodded and asked if he meant a safe behind a painting. He did own a beautiful painting of Jack Nicholson as J.J. Gittes in CHINATOWN done by his former aide de-camp haiku. Bud grimaced and waved his hand wildly about.

"Nah, that's dumb ... that's really dumb. You've seen too many movies. The bad guys always look for safes behind paintings ... you use somethin' more unsushpecting ... like a phony outlet."

THE FUTURIST! did not quite understand. Did Bud mean an electrical outlet?

"Yesh, a goddamn electrical plug thingee in da wall! You know? The thing you plug your vibrator into, Franklin Pangborn."

THE FUTURIST! took umbrage to Bud's comment. He didn't look a thing like Franklin Pangborn. He signaled for Otto the waiter to refill Bud's glass in hope of calming down his obvious aggression and need for alcoholic sedation. THE FUTURIST! told Bud he could not understand how he could fit his cache of priceless items into a fake wall socket.

Bud smiled as he watched the Fritz Lang Lager foam in his glass. "Don't worry, my boy. I got a solution to that very thing. I will be over tomorrow with my assistant and we will inshtall a very unobstrushive common wall outlet that will remedy your little worries with perfect precishion and expert craftman - (urp) - manship. I promise you ... no crook will ever think to look in this thing .. all he'll shee is a common ordinary socket. Count on it." Bud sipped his drink. "Oh ... we only take cash. NO Spider-Man comic books or talking dolls. HA HA HA!!"

The following day, THE FUTURIST! returned from work to find the described "unobtrusive wall outlet" that would readily handle his large collection of valuables.

Saturday Music for Ominous Karaoke

THE FUTURIST! doesn't dance. Unless he is truly inebriated.
THE FUTURIST! doesn't sing. Unless he is truly inebriated.
Of course, the dancing and singing, in the inebriated status, can't be truly defined as dancing and singing in the true definition of dancing and singing. It would be a form of warbling and physical gyration that represented the "idea" of dancing and singing induced by manic joy. But, isn't that still fun?

THE FUTURIST! has expressed musical joy,
as related in this post of almost a year ago
(CLICK HERE!)

Though, not entirely under the influence of two 3 olive martinis, THE FUTURIST! recalls his being dared to perform karaoke at The Third Man Cinema Pub. Attendance that evening was somewhat light, most likely due to it being Charles Grodin Night. Not everyone is a fan of the dry comedic actor, sadly.

Late that evening, THE FUTURIST! took to the small stage dressed in his favorite charcoal gray suit, white shirt, pin-striped pink tie and saddle shoes. Fleming Clamdish, THE FUTURIST!'s friend had just performed a rendition of YOUR SONG by Elton John. THE FUTURIST! prodded by his aide de camp haiku and Clamdish selected the song below first performed by The Go-Gos. The version you will hear below is performed in a more sinister, less energetic manner than the feisty hyper energetic 80s females and their cherubic lead singer. This cover version is perfect for a non-singing voice laced with sadness and regret. Oh, and there is a nice cello musical injection included. Always a plus. (By the way, look at that singer's hair. Imagine losing your house key in that hedge-like brush top? You would be searching for hours)

This version fit THE FUTURIST! perfectly ... as perfect as a nattily tightened bow tie, pin stripe suspenders and argyle sweater vest. Imagine, if you will, THE FUTURIST! standing stage center with the blue tinged aura of The Third Man Cinema Pub spotlight bathing his thin inert frame as you ...

Listen:


OUR LIPS ARE SEALED
performed by Fun Boy Three

It's Friday and it's Time for Canine CPR Class

THE FUTURIST! heard a story about an Utter Despair resident who once tried to perform respiratory rescue on his French Bulldog, who was named Francois.

Due to the fact that Francois' breath smelled like sardines
and a pile of rotting yard compost, the story goes that the
dog owner had to be given CPR after his initial attempt to revive
his pet. It was horrible. Man and his Best Friend unconscious.
This story has been told over and over again to new neighbors
on Murder at the Vicarage Road in Utter Despair, N.J.

THE FUTURIST! isn't sure if it is true, but he did see
(with his own eyes)
a flying cat wearing jodhpurs and a small pith helmet
over on the corner of Odd and End one Friday night.
THE FUTURIST! was returning from The Third Man Cinema Tavern at the time.

Karaoke Night

While on vacation THE FUTURIST! has relaxed, suffered from a debilitating stye in his right eye, watched movies and drank liquor. But, it's, also, always a pleasure to visit THE THIRD MAN Cinema Pub in Utter Despair for a Fritz Lang Lager and the joys and pains of Karaoke Night. Please watch and listen to the singer below who approaches the theme song to the James Bond film THUNDERBALL with great gusto and verve. If you can stand it, please stay until the very end note that he expels for a very very very very very very long time. It's amazing. THE FUTURIST! kept drinking throughout the performance ... and in the restroom ... and in the parking lot.

Samstag Musik für deutsche Karaoke

Last week, on New Year's Eve, THE FUTURIST! was invited to German Cinema Night at THE THIRD MAN Cinema Tavern in Utter Despair. It was a packed house as the proprietor of the movie themed drinking establishment welcomed his year end guests who were seeking a place other than their homes to welcome in 2010. THE FUTURIST! would have happily stayed home, but he was cajoled by Fleming Clamdish to accompany him and some friends. There was a $20 cover charge and the host at the door stamped a white 'M' on your back, in case you went outside for a moment or two and then went back inside. THE FUTURIST! felt a bit melancholy, because haiku was leaving the area to live in Brooklyn, NY and this was his last night in Utter Despair. Later on, haiku arrived and joined the festivities. BERLIN ALEXANDERPLATZ was being played silently on several wide screen TV screens as the guests milled about eating funnel cake and having a drink. THE FUTURIST! took the opportunity to have a few Fritz Lang Lagers to celebrate and ease his underlying sadness. He, also, noticed that Miss Angela Deppler (2nd Grade Teacher and 1st Class Vixen and his alluring next door neighbor) was there with her current chiseled facial featured boyfriend.

The evening culminated in the eventual clock striking 12:01 am as the New Year arrived. After this annual orgasmic moment of humans appearing ecstatic for another day to arrive, THE THIRD MAN tavern owner started the Karaoke portion of the night. There was, in honor of the German Cinema Night theme, some Marlene Dietrich songs, The Andrew Sisters singing "Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen" and that Nazi boy singing in the beer garden from Bob Fosse's CABARET. The most eccentric moment arrived when a tune from HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL arrived on the screen complete with German lyrics to sing along with ... and THE FUTURIST! (lifted by Fritz Lang Lager) watched as Miss Angela Deppler and her date took to the stage and performed the catchy sappy number. Oh, it was appalling, yet ... THE FUTURIST! felt elated. Miss Angela Deppler and her date (later to be identified as a JC Penney Catalogue dress shirt model) performed the Disney corporate soul sucking song expertly with perfect pronunciation of the German lyrics. IT felt like a musical moment from a bad film ... which it was in actuality, but, also, in reality coming to life before the patrons' eyes. The joy was evident in their eyes and body movements as they swirled about shrugging their cares away. Many people applauded and laughed as the number went on and haiku whispered to THE FUTURIST! that Zac Efron sure could sing, but he was a soulless glamour boy in ME AND ORSON WELLES. Fleming Clamdish corrected haiku and said that Efron's singing voice was dubbed in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. Their argument was interrupted by the zither like snoring of The Amazing Frollo as he slept through the entire magic moment.

The night ended and THE FUTURIST! and his friends walked out into the cold January air with the sight and sound of momentary happiness still in their heads. THE FUTURIST! thought that Life was much like that bad Disney film ... mostly excruciating, but occasionally there could be 3 to 4 minutes of a volcanic eruption of unbridled senseless bliss to interrupt the usual lava spill of ennui.

P.S. Fleming Clamdish made a comment that if THE FUTURIST! was cast in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL, he would play the father (seen at 2:48) who appears at the side of the stage to show his awe and surprise that his athlete son can actually find his true self through song and dance. Though, if he were THE FUTURIST!'s son, he would not be a basketball star, but the star of the Advanced English Class and school newspaper film critic. THE FUTURIST! would, also, be very jealous his offspring was so damn happy.

Listen and practice your German:


BREAKING FREE
from the film HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL (2006)
performed by Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens