Utter Despair Fashions

THE FUTURIST! is considering going into a men's clothing line with an unnamed financial source. Several photographs have been snapped and one is below for your perusal. A fashionable line of tasteful casual wear that implies comfort with great sartorial sex appeal for traveling or just lying about vacation spots (or your own home) contemplating the expanding universe, lost loves, the meaningless of Life or just general stereotypical despair and a yearning to have all just ... stop.



Above, pictured, is model Andres Velencoso wearing a neutral colored Summer ensemble. He is attending a July outdoor party waiting for his Appletini and thinking about how long he must endure this torture called Life. Yes, you can be very good looking and still be beset by thoughts of despair ... but if you are ... why not look good while doing it?

Insomnia on Warm

Dear Pagan Gods, it was too warm last night.
Utter Despair, NJ had a sudden heat wave that reached temperatures of about 80 degrees ... in APRIL! Where is the springtime? THE FUTURIST! hates the heat. He especially hates it when the sun has set and it is still warm and humid. Last night's air was full of that disgusting sense of wetness embracing your skin; it feels like the air is sweating. THE FUTURIST! cannot sleep in this type of weather. Opening a window only lets in more of the creeping mildewy air and makes the bed sheets feel like you are are lying on the tongue of a panting canine. This happened last night. THE FUTURIST! tossed and turned and cursed his Life (well, he does the latter most evenings in the dark). He could get only sporadic spells of sleep. He would wake up in 30 minute intervals with his mind racing and feeling so uncomfortable. And for some reason the theme to Valmont's Go-Go Pad from Bava's DANGER: DIABOLIK kept racing through his manic mind. It felt like the NAH NAH NAAAH chorus from the musical piece were taunting him.

Feel free to try to relate. But, also, blow a vaporizer of boiling water on yourself to actually feel the THE FUTURIST!'s late Monday/Tuesday morning experience:

Saturday Music for a Town Theme Song

Last night, it was decided that Utter Despair, N.J. needed a theme song.The theme would not have any official significance, unless it was brought before the town council ... this was merely a pipe dream by several patrons and employees at The Third Man Cinema Pub.

The idea to think of an appropriate town song was most likely a way to forget present worries and troubles among those involved in the discussion, as well as friendly social interaction fueled by liquor.

The song below seemed to have won the night. THE FUTURIST! doesn't recall how or when the decision was made. It may have been decided while he was in the restroom. He had gotten ketchup on his bow tie and needed to dab away at the stain in a mirror.

Once the song had been decided, it was played at great volume on the pub Bose sound system. There was much smiling and laughing and someone bought more alcohol for everyone. THE FUTURIST! left soon after the owner of TOP KNOT-CH (the local necktie emporium) started to dance with Miss Templeton (she works at the floral shop). It was not the dancing that made THE FUTURIST! leave ... no ... it was due to Miss Templeton throwing up due to the constant dance twirls that caused the three Manhattan cocktails and two Blue Moon beers in her stomach to mix in a Proctor Silex blending mode.

THE FUTURIST! needed some air.

Listen and pay attention to the appropriate Utter Despair lyrics:


HOPE OF DELIVERANCE
performed by Paul McCartney

The Utter Despair NJ Mall Girl

This girl ...

... is the type of young girl you would see

at The Hive Shopping Mall in Utter Despair, N.J.

She and her friends walk blindly toward you with her iPod

connected to her head oblivious of her surroundings

chattering away to her similarly hyperbolic comrades.

She is breathless, frenetic like a chipmunk with a newly

discovered acorn and dressed in clothes purchased on her

parents' credit card which no retail employee

checks for signature verification.

She laughs like a cross between Richard Widmark in

KISS OF DEATH and early 1940s Woody Woodpecker.

She uses these words in quick succession as you pass her:

"Like ...Really? .. NO! ... Cute ... You're CRAZEE!"

If you should have to eat in The Hive Food Court

(and THE FUTURIST! prays for you, if you must)

try not to sit near her.

If you do, you will not be able to masticate or digest.

Her movements may induce acid reflux or motion sickness.

These effects will be further enhanced by The Hive Food Court menu.

And try, if you can, not to sit anywhere near her

at The Hive 16 Screen Mega-Plex Theater.

Her cell phone will beep, twirp and play muffled Justin Beiber music.

This has been a Public Service Posting by THE FUTURIST!

He cares about his readers and loves them all.

*Thanks to Olli Sulopuisto

THE FUTURIST!'s fine friend in Finland

for the irritating gif.

Outwitting the Common Burglar

Needing advice on a way to secrete valuables in his Utter Despair, NJ dwelling, THE FUTURIST! asked an acquaintance on security procedures on the best way to foil the common burglar. Bud Baxter, retired Utter Despair law enforcer and heavy drinker at The Third Man Cinema Pub, was the man to see. THE FUTURIST! encountered Bud last Wednesday night as he quaffed several Fritz Lang Lagers. Bud was, also, watching old Michael Shayne, Private Eye films (starring Lloyd Nolan) in one of the private booths in the Pub. THE FUTURIST! slid into the booth just as Bud was finishing off his suds and the end of THE MAN WHO WOULDN'T DIE (1942). Bud raised his mug as a signal to the waiter for another refill and as a salute to the end of the film.

"Ah, that Mike Shayne is one tough cookie. The besht private dick in the boo-(urp) -oook," he said as he stared with bleary eyes at THE FUTURIST!. "Wha' do you want, Bow Tie Man?"

THE FUTURIST! told Bud exactly what he needed. A way to hide his valuables from intruders that might unlawfully enter his home. Utter Despair had been having a rash of break-ins in recent weeks.

Bud rubbed his right eye and sputtered, "What ya got to hide? Diamonds? Purl necklashes? Some kind of gems? ... you got gold, Fancy Pants? I bet ya got a tiara or somethin' HA HA HA!"

THE FUTURIST! denied the assertions of hoarding pirate booty and, at the same time, steadied Bud before he fell into the path of Otto the waiter as he was gliding by with a tray of Joan Crawford Shoulder Pork Rinds for Film Projection Booth 12. Bud raised his head and said, "Whatcha' want a safe or somethin'?"

THE FUTURIST! told Bud he needed to hide away his collection of AMAZING SPIDER-MAN comics from the late 1960s, his Pee-Wee Herman talking Doll (with Chairy), his grandfather's pocket watch, his Dick Tracy Big Little Books, insurance papers, birth certificate, his collection of George Segal DVDs and some cash.

"Well, let me tell ya, FUSHTURISHT ... as a retired law offisher and now a reshpected private detective, I gotta tell ya that the besht way to foil or, as we say, bamboozle the catshup burglars is to use ordinary things to hide extra-ordinary things ... you undershtand?"

THE FUTURIST! nodded and asked if he meant a safe behind a painting. He did own a beautiful painting of Jack Nicholson as J.J. Gittes in CHINATOWN done by his former aide de-camp haiku. Bud grimaced and waved his hand wildly about.

"Nah, that's dumb ... that's really dumb. You've seen too many movies. The bad guys always look for safes behind paintings ... you use somethin' more unsushpecting ... like a phony outlet."

THE FUTURIST! did not quite understand. Did Bud mean an electrical outlet?

"Yesh, a goddamn electrical plug thingee in da wall! You know? The thing you plug your vibrator into, Franklin Pangborn."

THE FUTURIST! took umbrage to Bud's comment. He didn't look a thing like Franklin Pangborn. He signaled for Otto the waiter to refill Bud's glass in hope of calming down his obvious aggression and need for alcoholic sedation. THE FUTURIST! told Bud he could not understand how he could fit his cache of priceless items into a fake wall socket.

Bud smiled as he watched the Fritz Lang Lager foam in his glass. "Don't worry, my boy. I got a solution to that very thing. I will be over tomorrow with my assistant and we will inshtall a very unobstrushive common wall outlet that will remedy your little worries with perfect precishion and expert craftman - (urp) - manship. I promise you ... no crook will ever think to look in this thing .. all he'll shee is a common ordinary socket. Count on it." Bud sipped his drink. "Oh ... we only take cash. NO Spider-Man comic books or talking dolls. HA HA HA!!"

The following day, THE FUTURIST! returned from work to find the described "unobtrusive wall outlet" that would readily handle his large collection of valuables.

Utter Despair After School Special

Many years ago this After School Special was filmed in Utter Despair, N.J.
The town was quite honored to have Beau Bridges in the community
proving his thespian skills. The Utter Despair Deli has a sandwich
named after him ... The Beau Bridges Bratwurst on a Bagel.

By the way, THE FUTURIST! wants you to know this:

"He loves you very, very much."

Ice Station Utter Despair

THE FUTURIST!'s backyard the night of 12/26/10

Expecting blizzard to intensify.

In the background you can see the searchlight

of a neighboring secret government internment compound

disguised as a normal looking suburban New Jersey home.

Someone escaped during the wintry deluge.

The next morning.

Same scene after end of blizzard.

It was so quiet.

THE FUTURIST! had to go out to clean up.

The winds were blasting at 50 mph.

Drifts were quite high.

The back door was covered in snow.

THE FUTURIST! had to get out through an upstairs window.

The huge drifts cushioned his fall.

No one was hurt.

This is THE FUTURIST!'s car.

Through the miracle of brutal Mother Nature's grace,

the back of the car was spared any cover of snow.

However, the front was a bitch to uncover.

Evidence of the depth of Winter's cruelty.

Actual trudging indentations

of THE FUTURIST!'s boot clad feet

are pictured for your awe.

This photo shows the length of THE FUTURIST!'s driveway.

It is a horrific 80 feet long macadam landing/launching

pad for his modest economy automobile.

Please peruse the snow wall in front of garage.

It was terrifying.

SIDE NOTE:

Neighbor child believed that those foot prints

were from a Tauntaun which is a species

of omnivorous reptomammals who were

indigenous to the ice planet Hoth in STAR WARS.

*direct definition from

Wikipedia

Using a household carpentry ruler,

THE FUTURIST! was able to ascertain that

the snowfall was 22 inches in depth.

He later went into the house and passed out

due to over exertion from snow removal.

He is currently easing the pain in his back

with a champagne ice bucket.

Happy Thanksgiving from Utter Despair N.J.

THE FUTURIST! hopes to try and make it to

the annual Thanksgiving Parade today in Utter Despair, NJ

As is the tradition, several residents dress in Pilgrim regalia and

chase a Man/Turkey Hybrid down the main town boulevard.

The Man/Turkey Hybrid is played each year by

a special guest star voted on by the town population.

This year it is played by Hal Veener who works at the

recycling center and does weekly pickups of paper products,

cans, glass and plastic containers.

The delight of the Man/Turkey Hybrid is that it is usually

played by someone the town dislikes at the moment.

Hal is known for tossing recycling barrels onto residents' lawns,

in the street and in their bushes. He is seen kicking them and

causing them to crack and dent. Occasionally, he will leave stray

newspapers and bottles behind in the gutter, if he

misses pitching them into the back of his truck.

He is a big annoying lazy jerk.

Why would he accept the role?

Because he receives a day off from work, four new radial tires,

a gift certificate to The Utter Despair Diner

(one free meal and dessert)

and a plaque honoring his run in the traditional parade.

Of course, this is if he outruns the "Pilgrims" ...

if he doesn't, he is trussed up and put in a stockade

in Utter Despair Park on

Black Friday, the biggest shopping day in town

and shoppers will heckle him as they search for sales.

Last year, the cranky lady from the library was

in the running ... she outran the "Pilgrims", but

passed out and hit her head on the curb.

She actually thinks she is a turkey, now.

It was sad.

But, she did win the prizes.

The run is from the border of Utter Despair and nearby Ennui, N.J.

to the other end of town at the border of Bergman Township.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh, and congrats to Sue Loo,

co-owner of Emperor Ming's Mongo Palace,

(best Chinese in New Jersey!)

for being the 1st Asian Pilgrim

in the traditional ritual this year!

Utter Despair is an equal opportunity re-enactor employer.

It's Friday and it's Time for Canine CPR Class

THE FUTURIST! heard a story about an Utter Despair resident who once tried to perform respiratory rescue on his French Bulldog, who was named Francois.

Due to the fact that Francois' breath smelled like sardines
and a pile of rotting yard compost, the story goes that the
dog owner had to be given CPR after his initial attempt to revive
his pet. It was horrible. Man and his Best Friend unconscious.
This story has been told over and over again to new neighbors
on Murder at the Vicarage Road in Utter Despair, N.J.

THE FUTURIST! isn't sure if it is true, but he did see
(with his own eyes)
a flying cat wearing jodhpurs and a small pith helmet
over on the corner of Odd and End one Friday night.
THE FUTURIST! was returning from The Third Man Cinema Tavern at the time.

Scary Spelling

THE FUTURIST! snapped this picture today

at a school near Utter Despair, N.J.

This school's outside calendar menu board

visually emphasizes the great respect

Utter Despair and it's surrounding sad towns

have for the English language.

Shocking.

Absolootly shoking.

(click on image for full shock)

Poo Trap

Utter Despair is littered with the droppings of canines owned by very inconsiderate citizens. THE FUTURIST! is going to make sure he puts the POO-TRAP on his holiday gift list for his nearest neighbors.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a Psychosis!

UTTER Despair is co-ordinating a celebration of the 25th anniversary of the release of the motion picture based on the Marvel comic book character HOWARD THE DUCK next Summer in 2011. The city council is accepting photographs and videos sent in by people who wish to portray Howard the Duck in the planned celebratory parade. Of course, most of the videos are by "little people" and some people who look like water fowl ... physically look like water fowl. Or other types of ideas ... such as:


It's pretty pathetic. The response has been quite unexpectedly large. One of the videos sent in was mistakenly re-directed and was meant for another comic book celebration. Jobs are scarce in this economy and it is wonderful to see people go out of their way to grab hold onto some form of employment ... grasp onto a dream ... people like the gentleman in the following video. He's an inspiration to everyone.

A Memorable Luncheon

After a morning of tree branch severing at his Utter Despair, N.J. estate, THE FUTURIST! enjoyed a late lunch with his friend haiku (former aide de camp and Asian of unknown origins). They drove to The Utter Despair Diner and had an appetizer of Manhattan Clam Chowder and a hearty Cuban Sandwich (for THE FUTURIST!) and a Western Omelet (for haiku) with a side of French fries. THE FUTURIST! was very hungry due to his arduous arbor labor of sawing branches and then disposing of leafy cuttings in a barrel for weekly curbside waste pick-up. So, he suggested they have a Death By Chocolate dessert. It was quite an abdominal filling delight and caused both THE FUTURIST! and haiku to become overcome by digestive fatigue. They passed out, as pictured above, and were removed by a burly Latino busboy. haiku later claimed that the busboy may have fondled him while his half-conscious body was transported outside to the parking lot. haiku pondered whether he should contact an attorney. THE FUTURIST! told him to cherish it as a fond memory and go on with his taciturn existence and to think of it as the tip they forgot to leave behind after the meal.

Run-on Sentences Can Save a Life

Lt. Latham T. Dervish

ON Memorial Day, the Utter Despair Borough Hall always erects a wreath on the front lawn in remembrance of the town's Civil War hero. His name was Latham T. Dervish and he received a medal of honor and the rank of Lieutenant after a display of sacrifice by drawing enemy fire away from his own men one hot July day in 1864. Latham's unit was trapped behind a rock outcropping in Pennslyvania. They had no escape from a Rebel unit advancing on them. Latham's men testified that they were wounded, frightened ... had little ammunition left and had only one route of escape, but would surely be seen if they did attempt to flee. At a later date, one of the men said that Latham Dervish stood up and walked out from the outcropping and ran to the left of his comrade's position which caused the Rebel unit to chase him and eventually shoot him in his act of heroic diversion.

AS his men escaped in the confusion, they met up with another Union unit who returned with them to attack the Rebels and killed each and every one. Lt. Nathan Meredith was in charge of the Union unit that was just over the hill. He provided food and medical attention to Latham Dervish's bedraggled unit. In interviewing the survivors, Lt. Meredith learned of Latham Dervish's brave attempt of diversion in drawing the enemy's attention from his compatriots. Lt. Meredith returned to to find Latham's body and found him to be still alive ... though he was shot in the chest right at heart level. It seemed a thick packet of folded writing paper in his breast pocket halted the bullet from entering his heart and saved his life.

AS stated, Latham Dervish was awarded with a medal for his sacrifice and reached a higher rank. However, it was learned later that he had told the unit cook that he wanted to die and had decided to run into enemy fire because he was too frightened to shoot himself. The packet of folded paper was his suicide note that consisted of over 40 pages detailing his woes, nightmares, stomach ailments due to canned army beans, problems finding a woman to date, his mother complex, feelings of inadequacy, problems with impotence and his rag weed allergies (which were further enhanced by his bivouacking in the field).

Latham had always received bad marks in his essay work at Utter Despair public school due to his habit of run-on sentences and flowery verbiage. It seemed though his bad writing style had saved his neurotic self hating life.

Latham Dervish was given his own unit after he recuperated. He was killed four months later at the battle of Skunk Grass Hill after he had climbed into his own troop cannon and was accidentally fired into an oncoming regiment of Confederate soldiers. Obviously, another suicide attempt which proved to be successful this time. But even this time he was further honored ... his dead body was propelled into the commanding officer of the Rebel army and they surrendered ... and he was awarded another medal and posthumously awarded the rank of Colonel.

Chicken Run

Sighted today on Osmosis Road in Utter Despair. A group of joggers who were either being joined by a man/woman dressed as a yellow chicken, being pursued by a man/woman dressed as a yellow chicken OR they were running from their lives due to a giant mutant, murderous man/chicken hybrid, bred at the strange laboratory up at Lovecraft Hills. (no one in Utter Despair knows what they do up at that place.) Thanks to Fleming Clamdish for the photo. He told THE FUTURIST! he will be having steak tonight.

THE FUTURIST!'s BEAUTIFUL LAUNDERETTE

THE FUTURIST!'s former aide de camp haiku (a taciturn young man of unknown Asian origins) has not been written of in recent posts. haiku has gone to Brooklyn, NY and is attending Film classes. While immersed in his studies he has taken up photography. The above picture was taken by haiku for a photography class assignment. He ensconced himself inside a washing machine at The Utter Despair Beautiful Launderette and took a very avant garde snap of THE FUTURIST! as he walked out of the aforementioned establishment. This is a rare glimpse at THE FUTURIST!. Please respect it and keep it close to your heart. THE FUTURIST! is always willing and happy to assist friends in their educational pursuits.

3:10 To Utter Despair

THE FUTURIST! recently purchased a new camera.
Today, he took a walk and captured a few shots of Utter Despair.

Please observe:



This is a view of the train tracks leading out of Utter Despair, N.J. It is quite a scenic stop for commuters and, for travelers, thankfully, the train goes through very rapidly.

________________________________________



Near the train tracks is a factory that collects the tears of homeless children and turns the moisture into some sort of wrinkle reducing facial cream sold on Home Shopping Networks. The children are well compensated with Happy Meals and carbonated beverages.

_________________________________________



This is a view from the train track platform to the highway. If you click on the photo with your mouse, you can magnify the shot and see that the train will take you to SUFFERN, New York.
You can go from Utter Despair to Suffern. Get it?
* rimshot *
In the distance you can see a Liquor Store that is usually robbed each month.

.45 Caliber Chi Restorer

THE FUTURIST! feels a bit better today after an afternoon at the Utter Despair Anthony Mann Shooting Range ... it's amazing what a magazine of bullets can do for the soul.

THE FUTURIST! Asks ...

... you to observe just another April afternoon in Utter Despair, N.J.



That is not a Wilhelm Scream you hear in the video.

That is a Mrs. Patricia Barringer of 22-35 Argento Road Scream.

(address printed without permission due to address no longer existing)

Karaoke Night

While on vacation THE FUTURIST! has relaxed, suffered from a debilitating stye in his right eye, watched movies and drank liquor. But, it's, also, always a pleasure to visit THE THIRD MAN Cinema Pub in Utter Despair for a Fritz Lang Lager and the joys and pains of Karaoke Night. Please watch and listen to the singer below who approaches the theme song to the James Bond film THUNDERBALL with great gusto and verve. If you can stand it, please stay until the very end note that he expels for a very very very very very very long time. It's amazing. THE FUTURIST! kept drinking throughout the performance ... and in the restroom ... and in the parking lot.