Taurus Birthday Salute

"Talkin' 'bout the Bully Bull Bull!"

La Cage Aux Fools

THE FUTURIST! wants to know if these thespians have agents
or can be contacted immediately. The Utter Despair, N.J. Playhouse
needs a late Spring production. The acting chops shown in the
video below re-enacting a scene from the camp classic MOMMIE DEAREST
is absolutely mesmerizing. The dramatics soar like the Hindenburg
did as it sailed aloft over New Jersey ... before it ... well, you know.
There is a weak moment at the end of the choking scene.
Our leading actress (the one without a penis) looks into the camera.
Stay in character... stay in character.

THE FUTURIST! Asks ...

... you to observe just another April afternoon in Utter Despair, N.J.



That is not a Wilhelm Scream you hear in the video.

That is a Mrs. Patricia Barringer of 22-35 Argento Road Scream.

(address printed without permission due to address no longer existing)

See You Next Wednesday!

THE HEARTBREAK KID (1972)
Dir: Elaine May

Neurotic Insecure Character Scene? Oh, Woody!

A taste of Woody Allen's new film showing at the Cannes Film Festival.
It's called YOU WILL MEET A TALL DARK STRANGER.
THE FUTURIST! considers the below small visual sample a big treat.

How THE FUTURIST! is Spending His Vacation

"Yes, Darling, I'm Just Putting Away This Liquor."

Ah, Nick and Nora Charles and their drinking.
Solving mysteries and mixing cocktails.

What a life.

THE FUTURIST! especially likes how Nick Charles
has 5 martinis and is still lucid.
The kicker for THE FUTURIST! is the clip
where pre-school Nicky Jr encourages his Dad to drink.

Saturday Music with Bacharach

At this time in April, THE FUTURIST! is always reminded of George Roy Hill's BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID. The film holds a special place in the small dark heart of THE FUTURIST! .... yes, it's not the greatest film ever made or full of deep meaning .... but, it was one of THE Films that made THE FUTURIST! really truly love movies. It's too complicated to go into, too personal and emotional, actually, but late April and Spring bring Butch and Sundance to mind ... AND that un-Western Movie-like score by the great Burt Bacharach. Here's the bit that accompanies the sepia toned photo montage of the outlaws' excursions from the law on the East Coast of America.

Listen:


THE OLD FUN CITY
composed by Burt Bacharach

Karaoke Night

While on vacation THE FUTURIST! has relaxed, suffered from a debilitating stye in his right eye, watched movies and drank liquor. But, it's, also, always a pleasure to visit THE THIRD MAN Cinema Pub in Utter Despair for a Fritz Lang Lager and the joys and pains of Karaoke Night. Please watch and listen to the singer below who approaches the theme song to the James Bond film THUNDERBALL with great gusto and verve. If you can stand it, please stay until the very end note that he expels for a very very very very very very long time. It's amazing. THE FUTURIST! kept drinking throughout the performance ... and in the restroom ... and in the parking lot.

See You Next Wednesday!

LOCAL HERO (1983)
Dir: Bill Forsyth

Harold Lloyd - Silent Clown

April 20 is silent comedy star Harold Lloyd's birthday and THE FUTURIST! is going to honor this day by posting a 7 part YouTube presentation of Paul Merton's Silent Clowns documentary shown on the BBC in 2006. According to THE FUTURIST!'s research (not being in Great Britain) it seems British comedian Paul Merton devoted a 4 part series to silent film comedy featuring Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Laurel and Hardy and Harold Lloyd. It was such a success that Merton published a book to partner with the series. The specials brought the great cinematic comic landmarks of these geniuses to the British public who had, surprisingly, not been overly familiar with ALL of the subjects covered.

If you have about 60 minutes to spare, please watch this excellent documentary and, in parts 5, 6 & 7, you see one of THE FUTURIST!'s favorite short films starring Harold Lloyd entitled NEVER WEAKEN.

THE FUTURIST! became acquainted with Harold Lloyd years and years ago by the good graces of public television. Each week they featured Lloyd short or film on a Saturday night. THE FUTURIST! found these films to be quite satisfying and showed him the power of silent film ... it was as good, if not better, in some cases, than some of the films he was watching at that time. Chaplin was a genius in characterization and pathos and acrobatics. Buster Keaton was the sad faced stoic who weathered and conquered most inanimate objects. THE FUTURIST! loves them as much as Lloyd, but Lloyd's films had air tight perfect narratives seasoned with perfectly timed gags and thrilling stunts. He represented this everyman ... normal looking (a bit of a nerd or snob) who was so easy to relate to for the viewer.

If only comedy was still this innovative and brilliant.

The Comedy Stylings of Daniel Songer

THE FUTURIST! lives, as you all know, in Utter Despair, N.J.
What THE FUTURIST! wants to know is where does Daniel Songer live?

Please observe and endure 5 minutes of his own personal Hell.
It will soon be yours.

Apocalypse Pooh

By Todd Graham (1987)

Saturday Music for Ethereal Mood Elevation

THE FUTURIST! has been hearing a lot of the new Beach House album these past few weeks. The dreamy ethereal lift it provides never becomes stale or annoyingly repetitive. It always seems new. In a day or so, THE FUTURIST! is about to go on a respite from his usual daily schedule ... with that in mind he thought of this piece from the new album Teen Dream by Beach House. It is entitled Better Times. Let us hope there will be better times.

However, THE FUTURIST! awoke this morning with his right eye swollen, puffy and irritated. It is unsightly. It must be an allergic reaction to the budding trees and flowering flora ... or a symptom of his encroaching death. Last year at this time, THE FUTURIST! started his vacation not feeling quite right and then spent 8 days with a terrible flu. Now ... one year later he begins another vacation looking like Popeye or a victim of the left jab from a welterweight boxer.

* sigh *

Listen:


BETTER TIMES
performed by Beach House

"GET OUT OF THE FUTURIST!'S HEAD!"

THE FUTURIST! rues the moment he found the Mr. Sprigg's BBQ commercial.
Mr. Sprigg's signature song for his tender, moist, slices-like-butter-from-the-bone
Barbecue menu is insidiously engaging and will not leave
the memory center of THE FUTURIST!'s cerebral cortex.
It plays on a loop in his head every moment of the day.
THE FUTURIST! could be making a sandwich ... It's There.
He could be trying to sleep ... It's There.
He could be having a haircut ... It's There.
He could be under small arm fire from a White Supremacist Militia
and grazed in the left shoulder and ... Mr. Sprigg's theme song is THERE!
If you click on the video ... you may be cursed
in the same way THE FUTURIST! has been for the last 48 hours.

Good Pagan God ... it falls off the bone!

See You Next Wednesday!

A NIGHT TO REMEMBER (1958)
Dir: Roy Ward Baker

Saturday Music for Damn Good Coffee and a Piece of Pie

If THE FUTURIST! compiled a list of his TOP 10 Television Favorite Shows, well, TWIN PEAKS would be on that list ... most likely, in the TOP 5. THE FUTURIST! was reminded the other day (April 8) by many other bloggers that David Lynch's strange hypnotic creation premiered 20 years ago this past Thursday on ABC-TV. THE FUTURIST! remembers vividly the premiere pilot film that started his obsession with the eccentric odd characters that lived in this little lumber town ... he thought that he had never seen anything so mesmerizing and inexplicable. It was a mix of soap opera, crime thriller and nightmare nestled together with a very appealing guide from the FBI named agent Dale Cooper who was very very fond of coffee. There was murder and humor and over the top acting and, at times, emotion that stabbed into the heart of THE FUTURIST!. There was, also, a dancing midget. The story seemed to ebb and flow regarding who had killed a popular pretty High School student ... and one wondered if it is explained where will the story go? Good question. IT went no where and every where. The 2nd season provided no comfort for many critics and audiences, but THE FUTURIST! loved the evil character Windom Earle who was Agent Cooper's nemesis.

It was an amazing television experience that really can't be equaled.

Below is the show's intro title music which captures your attention immediately with its haunting sound and mundane looking picturesque environs. It was created by David Lynch's usual musical collaborator Angelo Badalamenti.

Listen:



TWIN PEAKS THEME
composed and performed by Angelo Badalamenti

Snack Ad Contest Friday

THE FUTURIST!'s faithful correspondent in Ireland, Dara Moroney, (of Fake Dog Films) seems to have entered a Doritos 30 second advertisement contest being held across the big pond.

Good Luck, Dara.
By the way, your Dad will go through quite a lot for his son, obviously.
And good facial expressions.

And in Utter Despair we have Human pick-up day every other Thursday.
It's not an accidental pick-up, as in your ad. It's intended.
Utter Despair Sanitation Dept. is very good at recycling organic matter.

Pixels

Overheard in NYC

See You Next Wednesday!

THE NARROW MARGIN (1952)
Dir: Richard Fleischer

Aries Birthday Salute

Harvey Sid Fischer is back with a salute to
those born under the sign of The Ram.

After hearing this ditty, THE FUTURIST!
feels like ramming his head against the wall.

Woody's Words

Excerpts from

THE CONDEMNED

originally published in

The New Yorker

November 1977

reprinted in

SIDE EFFECTS

by Woody Allen

"Cloquet hated reality, but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak."

______________________________

"Ah, God, how the mind boggles when it turns to moral or ethical considerations! Better not think too much. Rely more on the body --- the body is more dependable. It shows up for meetings, it looks good in a sports jacket and when it really comes in handy is when you want to get a rubdown."

______________________________

"A feeling of nausea swept over him as he contemplated the implications of his action. This was an existential nausea, caused by his intense awareness of the contingency of Life, and could not be relieved with an ordinary Alka-Seltzer. What was required was an Existential Alka-Seltzer --- a product sold in many Left Bank drugstores. It was an enormous pill, the size of an automobile hubcap, that, dissolved in water, took away the queasy feeling induced by too much awareness of Life. Cloquet had also found it helpful after eating Mexican food."

Alfred Hatchchick's THE PEEPS!

Last Supper Artifact

THE FUTURIST! bid on this rare archeological find at Finchbury's Gallery in Utter Despair, N.J. It is the original LAST SUPPER TV TRAY! Scientific analysis proves that Jesus had not bread and wine served, but Yankee style Turkey, mixed peas and carrots, mashed potatoes (with real giblet gravy), Apple Cobbler and a side of blasphemy! (ba-ba-ding!)

Easter Morning Memory of the Past

THE FUTURIST! awoke this Easter morning with a shocking memory of a Easter morn years and years ago. Most evenings he uses The Seussonoras Cerebral Slumber Sensor to record his dreams during the wee hours. On this Easter morning, THE FUTURIST! awoke to rewind the recorder and found this still from a past memory. THE (then) YOUNG FUTURIST! probed an electrical outlet in the kitchen and received several volts of energy from the Utter Despair Power Company. He was unconscious for quite awhile and missed out on the family Easter Egg Hunt ... but, much like Our Savior, he rose from the dead in time for the afternoon Lamb dinner. It was quite a delicious repast, however, THE YOUNG FUTURIST! noticed everything tasted metallic.

Shocking Bunny History!

INFAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF

THE RUMORED ASSOCIATION OF

THE FUEHRER and THE FUEHR-HARE!

Saturday Music from The Point!

Songwriter/singer Harry Nilsson created an album that told a fable through song called THE POINT! and it was made into an animated television film in 1971. THE FUTURIST! recalls that the lovely bouncy song embedded below was about the dog that that belonged to the boy in the fable. It, also, was used as a signature song in a 1977 commercial for the Plymouth Arrow automobile. A funny side story regarding the song and the commercial is that when the ad men asked Nilsson about licensing the song he had a strange request. Instead of money, he wanted a Mercedes. They ruminated on the deal ... probably thinking this an insult of sorts, but decided to relent and bought him a rival car company's product. Of course, they cut the song down to just "Me and my Arrow ... " lyric over and over again. They wanted THE CONSUMER to get THEIR POINT.

THE FUTURIST! finds this song to be very happy and likes the refrain.

Listen:


ME AND MY ARROW
written and performed by Harry Nilsson

Good Friday/Bad Toy

Memories of The Utter Despair Sunday School

Good Friday brings back the awful memories of THE FUTURIST!'s young days of religious orientation at The Utter Despair Episcopal Church. THE YOUNG FUTURIST! attended church each Sunday with family, as is the custom of good moral upbringing by one's elders. Eventually, this led to THE YOUNG FUTURIST!'s Holy Confirmation, a pre-teen version of baptism without the H2O immersion, though this story of the past will relate in a way to a soaking of sorts.

The ritual included a group of well-dressed boys who paraded from the bowels of the church basement, down the church aisle and then stood at the altar for the lengthy recital of religious mumbo jumbo read by the parish pastor and then a not so serious form of the Catholic Communion ritual. The ritual involved all the boys kneeling before a be-robed minister who said some Bible stage reading and offered a bland cracker and then another odd male in a dress allowed one sip of Gallo Bros. wine to each participant. THE YOUNG FUTURIST! remembers the room reeking of floral scents and cologne and perfume from the over-dressed audience.

The worst part of this whole process was right before the ceremony. THE YOUNG FUTURIST! stood in the waiting line of boys waiting to ascend the basement staircase. While he waited, he chatted briefly with a young friend who was ahead of him in the line. Behind THE YOUNG FUTURIST! was some snickering boys who, he sensed, were up to no good ... they had a small paper cup of water from a water cooler that they were dousing their fingers in and flicking beads of moisture at each other. Suddenly, THE YOUNG FUTURIST! felt a tug at his white dress shirt collar and then the sensation of liquid water falling its way down his back. One of the hooligans had decided to pour the water down his back. THE YOUNG FUTURIST!'s friend saw it happen, but said nothing ... he had witnessed the entire act of sadism. The wetness permeated THE YOUNG FUTURIST!'s shirt back and the only thing hiding the obvious stain of water was his JC PENNEY Young Gentleman's sport coat. Stress and despair hit THE YOUNG FUTURIST! in radiating waves combined with anger and embarrassment. Why did they do this? Why did his friend not warn him or defend him? Why was he doing this insane ritual? Why? THE FUTURIST! went through the entire ceremony with a wet back and heard giggles throughout. The church pastor told the boys to quiet down and made a stern face, but smiled afterwards with that "such wonderful young lads in their golden youth" look.

THE YOUNG FUTURIST! sat down in the pew with his parents after the ritual and felt his shirt stick to his sport coat and whimpered. They stood to sing psalms ... they heard more Bible verses and lessons. They left. THE YOUNG FUTURIST! told his parents what had happened and they were angered and dismayed. They especially were upset it was one of the Church Deacon's sons who had perpetrated this dastardly deed. They understood THE YOUNG FUTURIST!'s refusal to attend church anymore. Some of the meanest people he had ever met were at church. It was the last time he attended a religious institution on Sunday for his own betterment of his soul.

Now, you may ask is the significance of the picture above?

It is from the only thing THE FUTURIST! remembers fondly from church.

It is a book he found secreted in a Sunday School book shelf.

It was called J. CHRIST: GOD'S PRIVATE EYE.

THE FUTURIST! remembers these wonderful hard boiled lines:

"I'LL SHOOT FIRST AND RAISE YOU FROM THE DEAD LATER, SMART GUY!"

"EAT OF MY FLESH, DRINK OF MY BLOOD AND TASTE THIS KNUCKLE SANDWICH!"

"LISTEN, DOLL, LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT CHANGING THAT WATER INTO WINE ...
LET'S TALK ABOUT CHANGING IT INTO A MANHATTAN WITH A TWIST"

Management Asks You to Please Bear with Us