Big Knives, Cops and that Adorable Keyboard Cat

THE FUTURIST! cannot get enough of Keyboard Cat. He livens up every moment of despair, embarrassment, death, murder and crippling accidents. Here's another example of his feline charm as he waits for disaster and then tunefully accompanies this police training film on encountering felons with big sharp knives.

Saturday Music to Be Melodically Misled By

Here's a pleasant little 2 min and 24 sec tune to rattle inside your head on a May afternoon of comfortable environmental temperature. Imagine the pictures it provokes in your mind as you saunter through your town, county or city park; nice day for a walk, nice day to talk with your girl, nice day for your shop to get busy, nice day for a drive and the thought that the world is a big sunny place with a big warm heart. You can see birds flitting about and chirping ... smiling bicyclists ... romantic couples holding hands ... dappled sunlight on the walk path. But ... as the song progresses we hear that it is, also, a nice day for a walk in the dark and a nice day for a drive-by shooting. Is THE FUTURIST! being melodically misled? Oh, but the song is taking such a warm sunny ramble through his head that he doesn't really care at all.

Listen:



WALK IN THE PARK
performed by Oh No Oh My

Couch Trip

Get a load of these furniture store television commercials. They are indescribable; surreal and scary. THE FUTURIST! cannot fathom how "Marc" would think why anyone could enter his establishment after seeing these creepy commercials. It's as if he's saying, "Take acid, then come on in and buy a love seat stained with seamy perverted tangible fear."

THE FUTURIST! tips the hat he never wears to Vadim Rizov, Brooklynite, free lance film/music writer, misanthrope, podcast pioneer and ancestor of pre-revolutionary Russian nobility for the existence of these masterpieces.



Take a gander at this one with the man/amphibian hybrid wearing a bow tie and Mickey Mouse gloves:

See You Next Wednesday!

Saturday Music for Solitary Souls

It's Memorial Day weekend. Traditionally, most suburbanites grill and open up their backyard swimming pools. This seems to be occurring in the neighbor's yard behind the abode of THE FUTURIST! He heard little Jason Endicott howling with pleasure; not due to the imminent possibilities of frolicking in the water, but because his father uncovered the carcass of a dead squirrel that had gotten trapped under the pool tarp during the Autumn or Winter. Regardless what season the little rodent met its dreadful end, it seems to have delighted the sadistic/immature gross-out sensabilities of an 8 year old boy.

Otherwise, Utter Despair seems a bit deserted. Many have gone away for the 3 day weekend to endure family or friend social gatherings at the beach or a country cabin. This Saturday's music selection is from one of THE FUTURIST!'s favorite composers. There is nothing more, musically, to make him smile than the melodies of Mr. Burt Bacharach. This election is an obscure Bacharach/Hal David composition and is sung by B.J. Thomas who also warbled their tune Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head. It starts off in a odd OOM PAH PAH German tuba style, but quickly acquires the familiar sound of Bacharach. It has a melancholy feel, much like Raindrops. You can hear that singular style of Bacharach that brings to mind a bit of tinkly ragtime; the feeling you get from looking at old sepia colored photos. Throw a hissy fit and wave your hand at THE FUTURIST! in disgust, but Bacharach is a genius. Listen:



EVERYBODY'S OUT OF TOWN
performed by B.J. Thomas

Yakuza Crazy

THE FUTURIST! was elated yesterday upon hearing of the new Kino DVD release of Seijun Suzuki's 1963 crime film DETECTIVE BUREAU 2-3: GO TO HELL,BASTARDS. After seeing the near insane TOKYO DRIFTER and the visually stunning YOUTH OF THE BEAST, THE FUTURIST! can only think of Mr. Suzuki's detective/crime/gangster cinema selections with a smile on his countenance. Watching these films, one can see where Mr. Tarantino swipes his "ideas". THE FUTURIST! read hungrily of this new release and its plot that involves scenes of violence involving men in suits and ties firing scattered gunshots and bright orange/yellow explosions such as this:


... and then it will careen into flamboyant night club singing and dancing, which even involves the tough as nails detective played by the chipmunk cheeked Suzuki cast regular Jo Shishido:


Delightful!

Life can suck, as little 8 year old Jason Endicott told THE FUTURIST! the other day. THE FUTURIST! merely nodded and told the boy that liquor and cinema will help lift the doldrums in later years. Yes, Jason, it can suck, but as long as there are Spanish olives and vodka and Suzuki film potboilers, well, Life can have its high points.

Kino Home Video, THE FUTURIST! loves you.



And even more news to make one leap into the air and click their heels like a happy German soldier (oh, but not to imply a Nazi, more like a soldier wearing the uniform of an imaginary Teutonic country from an Ernst Lubitsch film). The Eclipse series (an offshoot of The Criterion Collection DVD library) announced the August release of their Series 17: NIKKATSU NOIR. Nikkatsu Studios produced crazy crime thrillers from the late 1950s through the 1970s that blended different action genres into a puree of thick tasty fun. One of the 5 films included is a Suzuki with the title TAKE AIM AT THE POLICE VAN. THE FUTURIST! is about to start filming his new film POURING A FINGER OF VERMOUTH INTO GLASS.

See You Next Wednesday!

Forget it, Keyboard Cat. It's Chinatown.

Oh, this made THE FUTURIST!'s day.

Saturday Music for Those Who Love to Head Bop

THE FUTURIST! loves this tune. It sends impulses to your limbs and incites them to move in a manner that would silently indicate a care-free sense of cerebral activity or possible neuron misfiring. The visuals of the sweater vest and relaxed tie of the guitar player are pleasant on the eyes and his gyrations of spastic energy are fascinating to watch; physical movement not caused by bad brain transmissions, but by the magic of music. THE FUTURIST! loves the art direction of this video and camera movement, as well. THE FUTURIST! wishes to tip the hat he never wears to Dr. Steven Seussonoras, noted young Michigan inventor, boy wonder, music critic, wearer of hipster attire, noted indiebandologist and homosexual for his closely held to the heart recommendation of Golden Dogs.



CONSTRUCTION WORKER
performed by Golden Dogs

See You Next Wednesday!

Movie Mustache Monday

TEN MEMORABLE HAIR BEARING LIPS IN CINEMA

CHARLIE CHAPLIN

ERROL FLYNN
as Robin Hood

WILLIAM POWELL
as Nick Charles in The Thin Man

YOSEMITE SAM

GROUCHO MARX

BURT REYNOLDS

in Smokey and the Bandit

JOHN WATERS
Director

MING THE MERCILESS

from the Flash Gordon Serial

NIGEL BRUCE
as Dr. Watson from The Hound of the Baskervilles

DARA MORONEY
as Cannon in Crackdown 2

Saturday Music to Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

In honor of the new STAR TREK reboot or "prequel" this May weekend, THE FUTURIST! delved into the esoterica of celebrity attempts at warbling a tune. He found Mr. William Shatner, the original and only Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, who thought or thinks he can ... sing. His ego is legendary and so is his cult LP recording of pop tunes. Mr. Shatner, as seen in these visuals, does sincerely think he can sing and he, also, thinks he is a thespian of the highest caliber; this is indicated by his "interpretations" of these songs. It is a strange mixture of musical performance, stage acting and a full platter of hot steaming, right out of the oven greasy ham.

First, a warm up with talk show host Mike Douglas:



And, now, Mr. Shatner performs "When I was 17" ...



Finally, THE FUTURIST!'s most favorite of all. Shatner and his theatrical prop of a smoldering cigarette, plus his doppelganger perform "Rocket Man". This performance was criminally committed at the 1978 Science Fiction Awards. Bernie Taupin, who co-wrote this song with Elton John, even endorses the act and says he is proud to present it. Oh ... my.



WHEN I WAS 17
and ROCKET MAN
performed by William Shatner

See You Next Wednesday!

Never Forget The French Mistake

Dom, will there ever be another film character like you? Thanks for the laughs ... THE FUTURIST! will always cherish your moments with Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder and ... yes ... with even Burt. This was one of your best moments:

Dial D for Demonic Death!

The video below is from Seussonoras Labs in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Experimentation is done very often in the company break room by the staff. On April 14th, Carl Twenner, a lower level stockroom clerk, decided to microwave one of the experimental cell phones being prepared for shipment to a secret client known only as DAMIEN LORD OF THE FLIES. Carl has been known to find pleasure in microwaving objects; a rubber ball, a tube of peppermint toothpaste, a penny loafer and a bottle of Dr. Seussonoras' Raspberry Night of Summer Passion Hand Lotion. He once mixed and matched staff sandwiches in the break room refrigerator and is suspected of urinating in the coffee maker. Dr. Steven Seussonoras (THE FUTURIST!'s personal supplier of inventions) decided that he had enough of this prankster and set up Carl with this particular cell phone. The entire procedure by Carl was filmed by Seussonoras Labs Security Cameras and a transcript of the experiment precedes and follows the video.

TRANSCRIPT OF CELL PHONE MICROWAVING
PARTICIPANTS: Carl Twenner, Louis Driplund, Ronald Swinterplanningford

CARL: This is gonna be cool!

RONALD: Hey, can we do this? Is this gonna be ok?

LOUIS: Seussonoras is getting pissed at you, Carl. We better not get caught.

CARL: Shutup, you dumb ass. Gimme the phone, Lou.



UNKNOWN VOICE: OH MY GOD OH MY F**KIN' GOD!!! JESUS!! OH NO!!

UNKNOWN VOICE: OH OH OH NO ... NO MY ARM ... Aaaaaarghh!! ...

UNKNOWN VOICE: IT'S EATING CARL'S GROIN!!! THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!

UNKNOWN VOICE: STAY AWAY NO NO NO ..............

SILENCE

UNKNOWN FEMALE VOICE: Excuse me, guys, but would you mind cleaning that microwave after using it? I want to heat my Lean Cuisine later. Why are the lights off? What's that odor? (silence) (voice in distance) Beth ... ? Beth, you should smell what they are cooking in there. It smells like rotten meat.

END OF TRANSMISSION.

Dr. Seussonoras told THE FUTURIST! that he will be showing this video at this year's Christmas party.

Saturday Music for Dangerous International Criminals Clad in Full Leather

One of THE FUTURIST!'s guilty pleasures is the 1968 film DANGER: DIABOLIK. This candy colored pop art adventure film is about an international criminal who robs from the rich and keeps it for himself. It is based on an Italian adult comic book from the 1960s. Everyone wants to stop him; the police, Interpol, and other criminals. It is directed with economy by Mario Bava. He uses the cheapest tricks in the cinematic handbook to create a fantastic surreal world. No CGI is used; it's all mirrors and matte paintings. It's so satisfying to secretly delight in its cheeziness ... it's like being in your bathrobe late at night eating Italian cheese with spray cheese squirted on top of Cheezits. THE FUTURIST! just loves Diabolik's outfit. Here he is in a sports car trying to evade the authorities:


Very often, Diabolik likes to have sex with his mysterious blond girlfriend on a revolving circular bed under piles of stolen cash.

Wonderful!

Today's music from THE FUTURIST!'s collection is the theme song to the film DANGER: DIABOLIK. The score was composed by Ennio Morricone and features several memorable tracks of essential early Ennio. Oh, those fuzzy guitars, those female singers uttering repetitious vowel sounds, the trumpets, the Go-Go beat! The following version is done with a bit of over emoting flair, but still true to the original. Get your Euro-Trash Freak on!!



DEEP DEEP DOWN
(theme from DANGER: DIABOLIK)
written by Ennio Morricone
performed by Mike Patton's Mondo Cane

The Scary Movie Patron

Fleming Clamdish told THE FUTURIST! about his frightening experience of seeing WATCHMEN a few weeks after it opened and went to a second run theater in Utter Despair. Fleming and his date, Candy Dish (no relation to the Clamdish Clan) entered the auditorium and saw a scary scenario (SEE ABOVE PICTURE) before their eyes. Candy screamed and dropped her mammoth pail of Dr. Pepper and her wheelbarrow of popcorn was sent rolling in a wobbly fashion down the aisle. Fleming had the good sense to snap this photo on his cell phone before carrying Candy's faint body from the theater. He asked the usher who or what was haunting the 5th row of Cinema 2. The usher, an elderly Asian man with 2 teeth, spit this out, "He won't leafff!! He say he will be here always! He crazy!" Then he offered them a refund or a chance to catch the next showing of HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Since Fleming had an unconscious Candy in his arms, he thought he'd better take the refund and revive her in his Toyota Corolla with mouth to mouth resuscitation.

THE FUTURIST! apologizes for forgetting to recount this story of the mad WATCHMEN fan. Forgive him. Isn't it very scary? Let's pray to the Pagan Gods that this doesn't occur with a Tyler Perry fan.