In honor of the new STAR TREK reboot or "prequel" this May weekend, THE FUTURIST! delved into the esoterica of celebrity attempts at warbling a tune. He found Mr. William Shatner, the original and only Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, who thought or thinks he can ... sing. His ego is legendary and so is his cult LP recording of pop tunes. Mr. Shatner, as seen in these visuals, does sincerely think he can sing and he, also, thinks he is a thespian of the highest caliber; this is indicated by his "interpretations" of these songs. It is a strange mixture of musical performance, stage acting and a full platter of hot steaming, right out of the oven greasy ham.
First, a warm up with talk show host Mike Douglas:
And, now, Mr. Shatner performs "When I was 17" ...
Finally, THE FUTURIST!'s most favorite of all. Shatner and his theatrical prop of a smoldering cigarette, plus his doppelganger perform "Rocket Man". This performance was criminally committed at the 1978 Science Fiction Awards. Bernie Taupin, who co-wrote this song with Elton John, even endorses the act and says he is proud to present it. Oh ... my.
WHEN I WAS 17 and ROCKET MAN performed by William Shatner
Dom, will there ever be another film character like you? Thanks for the laughs ... THE FUTURIST! will always cherish your moments with Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder and ... yes ... with even Burt. This was one of your best moments:
The video below is from Seussonoras Labs in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Experimentation is done very often in the company break room by the staff. On April 14th, Carl Twenner, a lower level stockroom clerk, decided to microwave one of the experimental cell phones being prepared for shipment to a secret client known only as DAMIEN LORD OF THE FLIES. Carl has been known to find pleasure in microwaving objects; a rubber ball, a tube of peppermint toothpaste, a penny loafer and a bottle of Dr. Seussonoras' Raspberry Night of Summer Passion Hand Lotion. He once mixed and matched staff sandwiches in the break room refrigerator and is suspected of urinating in the coffee maker. Dr. Steven Seussonoras (THE FUTURIST!'s personal supplier of inventions) decided that he had enough of this prankster and set up Carl with this particular cell phone. The entire procedure by Carl was filmed by Seussonoras Labs Security Cameras and a transcript of the experiment precedes and follows the video.
TRANSCRIPT OF CELL PHONE MICROWAVING PARTICIPANTS: Carl Twenner, Louis Driplund, Ronald Swinterplanningford
CARL: This is gonna be cool!
RONALD: Hey, can we do this? Is this gonna be ok?
LOUIS: Seussonoras is getting pissed at you, Carl. We better not get caught.
CARL: Shutup, you dumb ass. Gimme the phone, Lou.
UNKNOWN VOICE: OH MY GOD OH MY F**KIN' GOD!!! JESUS!! OH NO!!
UNKNOWN VOICE: OH OH OH NO ... NO MY ARM ... Aaaaaarghh!! ...
UNKNOWN FEMALE VOICE: Excuse me, guys, but would you mind cleaning that microwave after using it? I want to heat my Lean Cuisine later. Why are the lights off? What's that odor? (silence) (voice in distance) Beth ... ? Beth, you should smell what they are cooking in there. It smells like rotten meat.
END OF TRANSMISSION.
Dr. Seussonoras told THE FUTURIST! that he will be showing this video at this year's Christmas party.
One of THE FUTURIST!'s guilty pleasures is the 1968 film DANGER: DIABOLIK. This candy colored pop art adventure film is about an international criminal who robs from the rich and keeps it for himself. It is based on an Italian adult comic book from the 1960s. Everyone wants to stop him; the police, Interpol, and other criminals. It is directed with economy by Mario Bava. He uses the cheapest tricks in the cinematic handbook to create a fantastic surreal world. No CGI is used; it's all mirrors and matte paintings. It's so satisfying to secretly delight in its cheeziness ... it's like being in your bathrobe late at night eating Italian cheese with spray cheese squirted on top of Cheezits. THE FUTURIST! just loves Diabolik's outfit. Here he is in a sports car trying to evade the authorities:
Very often, Diabolik likes to have sex with his mysterious blond girlfriend on a revolving circular bed under piles of stolen cash.
Wonderful!
Today's music from THE FUTURIST!'s collection is the theme song to the film DANGER: DIABOLIK. The score was composed by Ennio Morricone and features several memorable tracks of essential early Ennio. Oh, those fuzzy guitars, those female singers uttering repetitious vowel sounds, the trumpets, the Go-Go beat! The following version is done with a bit of over emoting flair, but still true to the original. Get your Euro-Trash Freak on!!
DEEP DEEP DOWN (theme from DANGER: DIABOLIK) written by Ennio Morricone performed by Mike Patton's Mondo Cane
Fleming Clamdish told THE FUTURIST! about his frightening experience of seeing WATCHMEN a few weeks after it opened and went to a second run theater in Utter Despair. Fleming and his date, Candy Dish (no relation to the Clamdish Clan) entered the auditorium and saw a scary scenario (SEE ABOVE PICTURE) before their eyes. Candy screamed and dropped her mammoth pail of Dr. Pepper and her wheelbarrow of popcorn was sent rolling in a wobbly fashion down the aisle. Fleming had the good sense to snap this photo on his cell phone before carrying Candy's faint body from the theater. He asked the usher who or what was haunting the 5th row of Cinema 2. The usher, an elderly Asian man with 2 teeth, spit this out, "He won't leafff!! He say he will be here always! He crazy!" Then he offered them a refund or a chance to catch the next showing of HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Since Fleming had an unconscious Candy in his arms, he thought he'd better take the refund and revive her in his Toyota Corolla with mouth to mouth resuscitation.
THE FUTURIST! apologizes for forgetting to recount this story of the mad WATCHMEN fan. Forgive him. Isn't it very scary? Let's pray to the Pagan Gods that this doesn't occur with a Tyler Perry fan.
CHARLIE CHAPLIN
ERROL FLYNN
WILLIAM POWELL
YOSEMITE SAM
GROUCHO MARX
BURT REYNOLDS
JOHN WATERS
MING THE MERCILESS
NIGEL BRUCE
DARA MORONEY
