Today is the big day in Hollywood. Today The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences bestow their annual awards to those they feel deserved the honor in prior years, but were ignored due to the hype heaped upon another .. or maybe just feel like giving an award to someone for career achievements whether they truly deserve it in the category they are nominated in or not. Many pundits and bloggers and tweeters are feverishly transcribing their picks in what and who will win and what and who they feel SHOULD win. THE FUTURIST!, as he did last year, is going to be assisted in Oscar outcome predicting by supernatural means ... and who better than someone who was a Hollywood insider ... The Ghost of film Director James Whale.
This year the fine man and women of Seussonoras Labs (located in Ypsilanti, Michigan) used a Spectral Transmitting Cabinet and illegal use of a Verizon Cell Phone Tower to transmit The Ghost of James Whale from the Spirit World and into the abandoned Lyric movie theater in Utter Despair, NJ.
Please read on and take heed of The Ghost of James Whale's predictions. Last year he predicted 50% of the winners. He claims he could have done better but was too transfixed on the male attraction of THE HURT LOCKER.
THE GHOST OF JAMES WHALE's
2010 OSCAR PREDICTIONS
BEST PICTURE - THE KING'S SPEECH
"Undoubtedly this year it will be all things England, my dear boy. Hollywood will return to the glory days of boring emotionally stirring paper thin plotting of films of the past ... yes ... a movie all about people better than us who are just as infallible as us and who can be made even better by the little people, as long as those little people remember their place. We love royalty, don't we? So, let's put an end to This Queen's Speech and predict it shall be time again to give the gold to jolly old England."
BEST DIRECTOR - TOM HOOPER
"Oh, this Tom Hooper person reminds me of Private Daniel St. Saltpeter. He was this thin tall sprightly eyed chap who was in the trenches with me during WW I. I think he will get it. Well he did get it. Shot in the stomach while standing up to do his calisthenics one morning. This Hooper got the DGA Award, didn't he? That's a good indicator that he will win the Oscar, my dear THE FUTURIST! ... yes ... in deed. Pvt. St. Saltpeter received a DGA, as well. The Direct Groping Advance by yours truly. Oh, that is so silly of me ... so silly ... sigh ..."
BEST ACTOR - COLIN FIRTH
"Mr. Firth should have won it last year when that Bridges fellow won the Oscar playing that filthy drunken lout of a country singer. Oh, he was dirty looking. Firth was so wonderful in A SINGLE MAN ... so sad, so perfect, so well lit. And that house he lived in? It should have won Best Supported Dwelling."
BEST ACTRESS - NATALIE PORTMAN
"I'm getting bored. This is so predictable. This little pixie will get it. Oh, she's young, she's pretty, she got pregnant by a man who coached her in ballet technique ... AND she married him. It's astounding. What? Why astounding? Well, astounding that this ballet instructor wasn't gay, my dear boy. That's a pure Hollywood fairy tale. Well, actually a non-Fairy Tale, to be honest. Oh, and there is a Lezzer scene. Hollywood loves to watch 2 girls go at it in a big glitzzy movie. It's so legit for them. Usually they have to pay for it to be done for them privately."
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR and ACTRESS -
"This Bale character is so overbearing. But he does what THEY love SO much ... changes his physique, acts like a shock shelled mental case and does an accent. Again ... so predictable. And that little girl from TRUE GRIT is just such a success story for them ... she comes from no where to be so good. They want us to believe it can happen to any of us. Her clothes were so drab in that movie. I hope she adds a little color tonight. And please ... no PIGTAILS. I will do it and say it ... SHUDDER!"
BEST ANIMATED FILM - TOY STORY 3
"I have nothing to say about this ... except this is a silly category. Cartoons were supposed to be before the main attraction. I hated Walt Disney. He was a racist, anti-semite homophobe. But, he knew how to draw an attractive Prince. I would have loved to rotoscope the actor who played that Snow White Prince. I'd make sure my pencil was especially sharp that day. Oh, don't look at me that way, THE FUTURIST!"
BEST ART DIRECTION - THE KING'S SPEECH
"Oh, I loved how the director moved the camera so the actor was to the side of the screen and we could stare at the other side of the screen where we could see how decorated the props and such were. Very nice. Kudos. I'm bored."
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY - TRUE GRIT
"If you can make dirt and dust and gray and hundreds of shades of brown look enticing, well, then you should get the award. That's all."
BEST COSTUME DESIGN - THE KING'S SPEECH
"The suits looked so good. In fact, they reminded me of my own closet. Yes. Beautiful tailored suits. And that one dress that Bonham-Carter wore? That was in my closet, too. I'm silly. Tickle me.HA! I'm a GHOST, you fool, you can't. But ... I do so want a tickle."
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE - INSIDE JOB
"I'm only picking this because I don't like the titles of the other nominees. GASLAND sounds disgusting, RESTREPO sounds like an Italian dinner and I don't like pasta very much, WASTE LAND? Who likes a Waste Land? And that Banksy movie EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP? I never exit through the gift shop. I enter through the front and exit through the front. Though, I do like entering from the back. GOT YOU, THE FUTURIST! I GOT YOU AGAIN! HA HAHA!"
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT - POSTER GIRL
"This is a pure guess. They may think it's about a Playboy Centerfold. Hollywood loves sex."
BEST FILM EDITING - THE SOCIAL NETWORK
"This movie had a lot of attractive young men. My rule is that the best movie in this category is the one where, no matter where or when you cut, you will always see an attractive young man. Thumbs up Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter."
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM - INCENDIES
"Canada is full of British people. Tonight is the night of The British. There are some Frogs there, too, but it is The Queen's Country in most respects. And this queen visited there often. Lots of good hunting up there, if you get my drift. And I tapped a few maple trees up there, too."
BEST MAKEUP - THE WOLFMAN
"I really preferred Jack Pierce's makeup of THE WOLFMAN back in the day. This is too scary."
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE - THE KING'S SPEECH
"I heard through the spirit grapevine that there was a lot of drugs being sold on the - What? Music? Oh, of course. Well it won;t be 127 HOURS, then. Give it to Alexandre Desplat. I like his last name ... DESPLAT! That's the sound I made when I made my final dip in my pool. A little black humor to soften the sex jokes, my dear boy."
BEST ORIGINAL SONG -
WE BELONG TOGETHER from TOY STORY 3
"They gave this award a long time ago to Randy Newman. He didn't deserve it then and he doesn't deserve it now. But he'll get it. I dread hearing his croaking voice tonight. Oh dear."
BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM - THE GRUFFALO
BEST ANIMATED LIVE ACTION SHORT - NA WEWE
"I never watch these things. All I know is one is called Gruffalo which will make the voters think of Mark Ruffalo who is nominated in the Best Supporting Actor category. And the other one will make them think of getting to the restroom during commercial breaks."
BEST SOUND EDITING - INCEPTION
BEST SOUND MIXING - INCEPTION
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS - INCEPTION
"Oh, I just wish that Leonardo or Tom Hardy would incept me. That's all."
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY - THE SOCIAL NETWORK
"Again ... lots of attractive young men talking a lot. Lots of words coming from the mouths of attractive young men with the camera just on them and shooting. That's a winner."
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - THE KING'S SPEECH
"It's called THE KING'S SPEECH. It's about talking and speech impediments. It's a no brainer. Plus the British speak so well. Even with a stutter."
THE FUTURIST! thanks The Ghost of James Whale for his input in this annual ritual and will now conclude this interview. Please watch The Oscars tonight to see how his predictions work out. Any last words, Ghost of James Whale?
"Not actually. I must get back to the spirit world. I was attending a very enjoyable fete at The Ghost of George Cukor's home. It was a pool side party. It was fun, however they kept asking me to do the dead man's float in the damn pool. Tiresome. It was instigated by The Ghost of Ramon Navarro. He played Ben-Hur, you know. More like Ben-HER, to be more accurate. Ta, THE FUTURIST! Until next time!"